Caveat emptor is Latin for buyer beware, and many retailers would be wise to take note of how many wary customers they are driving away. Anytime, but particularly in these penny-pinching times, good customer service makes a difference. Below are three stories of shopping experiences that I never intend to repeat-- one in an Apple Genius Bar, one in Bed Bath and Beyond, the other in Barnes and Noble. I grant you that these are both big corporations with many stores and many employees, each of which differ regardless of the overarching corporate policies. Also, that I might be more demanding of good manners than some, and perhaps less so than others. At any rate, I hope that you can chuckle over my tales of woe, agree, disagree, defend, or commiserate as you see fit. So with that being said, and without further adieu, let the rants begin!

My laptop computer recently needed a minor repair, and since it's a Mac, I took it to the Genius Bar inside the Apple store in Emeryville, CA. My designated "genius" said that I would need to leave my computer for at least two weeks while they got around to fixing it. The conversation went something like this: Me "Will it take two weeks to fix?" Genius "No, but we have a backlog of repairs. The actual repair will only take about two hours." Me "Oh, then why don't you call me when you can fix it, and I'll bring it in for two hours." Genius "Um, we can't do that." Me "Look, pal, I'm offering you money to fix my computer, but I can't leave it here for more than one day." Genius "Um, we can't do that." Lecturing the poor T-shirt-wearing keyboard-jockey would have been pointless because this is a systemic Apple customer service issue. But I'm not going to leave my computer to collect dust for 2+ weeks. My computer is essentially my office and Apple should understand that. After all, my mechanic has a system in place to get my car back quickly. Ironically, I don't use my car nearly as much as I use my computer! So much for Apple's half-baked repair service. Tom Smith agrees with me that "the Genius Bar is inefficient and unfriendly to the customer." Do you want to know what it takes to become a genius of the genius bar? Not much, according to the Gizmodo bloggers.

Barnes & (not so) Noble Booksellers have been the subject of many complaints lately. Plenty of them can be found at Blog Critics Magazine, Complaints Board, Complaints.com, the Better Business Bureau, and on assorted online forums. There are records of all sorts of complaints-- everything from terrible customer service, to undisclosed charges, to failing to give credit for returned books. My personal gripe is with the membership pressure-sales.

I am tired of not being able to make a purchase at a Barnes and Noble store without receiving a sales pitch for a membership. The employee behind the register asks if I have a membership, then if I would like one, and then refuses to drop the subject. When I answer “no” to both questions, I am subjected to a reiteration of the benefits, often delivered in a tone and manner that seem to say “what’s wrong with you?” I have had to adamantly refuse the membership offer as many as four times during a single transaction. And don’t forget the little note on the receipt that says how much a member would have saved. Now, in addition to the membership pitch, I am being asked for my E-mail address so that BN can send me “coupons”. The cumulative result is that trying to buy a book at BN has become an irritating experience for those of us who don’t want to be members or hand over our e-mail addresses.

For example, this afternoon I went through the usual song and dance at a BN store. Ignoring the employee’s parting shot, “A member would have saved 20% on this type of book,” I bought my book and headed for the door. If I wanted to save money, I could have saved almost 50% by buying the book from Amazon.com. Instead of paying $18.40 online, I deliberately chose to pay $34 for the sake of buying the book in person and supporting local retail, and found myself being treated not as a customer, but rather as a target.

The experience then proceeded to get worse. On the way out, I noticed a couple of magazines that I wanted to read, so I went back and bought those from a different employee and had to go through whole routine again. But this time when he asked for my e-mail address and I said "No, I don't accept unsolicited e-mails" he promptly snapped "They wouldn't be unsolicited if you gave it to me", which was impertinent and rude. Between friends, such a conversation might have been acceptable, but this is not the way I want to be spoken to while I am trying to buy something in a store. I asked the young man if he had to sign up a certain number people a day, and he said he wouldn't tell me because I wouldn't give him my e-mail address. Which I also thought was rather impertinent. (After all, if BN employees will persist in asking me personal questions, such as my e-mail address, they should be prepared to answer a few of their own.)

Anyway, enough is enough! I know that BN stores and hence employees are under pressure to sign up new members, but I am tired of being on the receiving end of their sales pitches. Moreover, I am tired of their abrasive and sometimes beligerant manners when I repeatedly refuse. BN’s policy of sacrificing respectful behavior for the new member roll-call is unacceptable to me and to many in my acquaintance. On those grounds, I am returning the book that I bought at BN today. I will re-purchase that book from a different bookseller, I will share this story, and my days of shopping at BN stores and bn.com are at an end. “No thank you” means “no thank you.”

In the past year, I have had to return three defective items to Bed Bath and Beyond, and on none of those occasions have I received an apology. Most recently, I had to make a special trip back to the store, stand in line, walk across the store to collect a replacement, stand in line again, be summoned to a register by a clerk who then left, replace eight AA batteries and check a product myself to see if it worked. Then I discovered that the clerk who had called me to the counter had vanished, and was informed that the register I was left standing at was not actually open and that my clerk was not coming back. It was unacceptably unpleasant. Ironically, when a young floor manager finally asked if anything “else” could be done for me, I was at a loss as to how to answer. After all, to that point, nothing had been done for me at all. I had done it all myself. When I return defective items to other stores, something that needs to be done with alarming frequency lately, someone usually takes the trouble to apologize for my inconvenience, then collects and checks a replacement item for me, but never at my local Bed Bath and Beyond. I receive more scripted “Hellos” and “How are yous” than I need, but would prefer to have some more genuine help, particularly when faced with the already irritating task of returning defective merchandise. BB&B’s prices are undeniably low, but I happily pay more elsewhere for real service (not just lip service) and more products not made in China. This most recent experience has served as the final straw in two respects. First, I intend to take a very long break from shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond. Second, I will no longer purchase products made in China due to the high fail rate. I understand that times are hard for many these days, and that retail shops in particular are feeling the economic pain, but with so much defective merchandise on the shelves, I urge you take make returns a bit more pleasant. Go and get a replacement for the customer, check that it works, and try adding “we are sorry for your inconvenience” to the customer service script.

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