Unfortunately many people have been faced with the excruciating decision of whether or not to continue a strained family relationship- it could be a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a son or a daughter. These relationships, when stressed or tense, are the worst to endure. If you have to cut the ties, the term tough love comes to mind, but I believe it's more about peace of mind.

The interesting aspect about families is people can tolerate more bad than good, yet it can still be considered a satisfying relationship for both members. In this instance, families can be the ones who drive you nuts, and also be there by your side until the end. Family members are the ones who've seen us at our best and worst, and the love is consistently there. But not always...

For those who put up with really bad and continuously worse, they've definitely contemplated (or followed through) releasing that family member out of their lives for good or for now at least. Doing this can create feelings of guilt, failure, emptiness, doubt, and many other feelings, not unlike what's experienced when a family member dies.

No matter how strained the relationship is, it's still a difficult decision to make. Evaluating the relationship when you are in a calm state of mind, minus alcohol, drugs, and acute stress, is the best route.

• Most importantly, what's the history? If you are fed up with this family member, chances are this has been grating on your nerves and psyche for a long time. I'm a big fan of Dr.Phil because he tells it like it is. One of his great pieces of advice and something I learned in my psychology studies is "The best prediction of future behavior, is past behavior". Having an extensive history is what hurts the most when breaking up with a family member, but having history makes it easier to make an informed decision; it's not like you don't know the person very well. Maybe things used to be good, but now irreparable.
• What's the future? Is the relationship getting worse, without breaks fom the strain and stress? If it's a parent, would you allow this treatment by them to your children (their grandkids)? You have to consider the future.
• How do they feel about you? Ideally, family should be based on unconditional love. If you're not feeling the love, then what are you feeling? I don't remember where I learned this, but it's always helped me guage my relationships; whatever you feel like around a person, is probably how they feel about you. If you feel awful around someone, then they usually feel that way about you. Picking up on subtle cues may signal to you this person would like to break ties with you.
• Are there any boundaries? Most people don't have clear boundaries with family members, and this can mean disastor. Somehow people equate no (or lack of) boundaries with love, but it is agreed among specialists that having boundaires creates a sense of love within children, and childhood is where some of the mayhem started between family members. If you're still in the indecisive phase, setting boundaries now can help you decide whether this person respects you. Deciding what straw will break the camel's back can make you feel more comfortable about a split.
• How close are you? In distance and relationship; In distance, we can put up with more, and still get back to our normal lives after the drama. Although distance can enable a relationship to go stale, and yet no ties are cut- it just drifts apart. If the strained relationship is with a close family member then they usually mean more to us and therefore, hurting us in some way takes a bigger toll. In this case, the hurt and pain is not worth keeping the relationship. It is more difficult, of course, to break close family ties, but those are the ones that damage us the most.
• Is it final? Ideally, major issues between family members could be discussed and resolved. Finality is something you have the power to decide. As children, we learn powerlessness against family members because we're too young to have a say. Maybe you were a product of divorce and now you have that same relenting feeling of powerlessness when deciding to cut ties. Sometimes a decision can be semi-final, as in the ties are cut right now, but may be later mended.

• The relationship is physically or mentally abusive. Don't downplay the effects of mental abuse, especially long-term and with family members who mean more to you than the average person.
• It causes enough stress it effects important aspects/areas of your life, like work or home life.
• The relationship is one-sided when there is no valid reason why there can't be effort from the other person.
• The relationship is only about borrowing money or similar. The person uses you for material things.
• The family member is taking you down with them. Don't get invlolved in risky business and eventual (legal) trouble, even if they are family.
• You have doubtful feelings. Having doubt isn't a sign the relationship should continue. Doubt is part of the grieving process, part of letting go.