If you took a random poll asking people what caused stress, you'd probably get these kind of answers;

• other people
• work
• unreasonable demands
• impossible situations
• Poor health
• And so on.

In fact the Stress and Health at Work (SHAW) study did just that in 2007. They asked;

"What situations/activities do you find stressful?"

The responses were;

• Rush hour travel - 45%
• Work - 34%
• Managing work/home balance - 31%
• Children's future - 31%
• Financial Planning - 29%
• Paying Household Bills - 26%

The traditional view of stress goes back to the work of Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe from the 1960's. They listed a scale of 43 life events that based on their research they believed caused stress. Here's the list with the points they ascribed to each event;

Death of a spouse 100

Divorce 73

Marital separation 65

Imprisonment 63

Death of a close family member 63

Personal injury or illness 53

Marriage 50

Dismissal from work 47

Marital reconciliation 45

Retirement 45

Change in health of family member 44

Pregnancy 40

Sexual difficulties 39

Gain a new family member 39

Business readjustment 39

Change in financial state 38

Change in frequency of arguments 35

Major mortgage 32

Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30

Change in responsibilities at work 29

Child leaving home 29

Trouble with in-laws 29

Outstanding personal achievement 28

Spouse starts or stops work 26

Begin or end school 26

Change in living conditions 25

Revision of personal habits 24

Trouble with boss 23

Change in working hours or conditions 20

Change in residence 20

Change in schools 20

Change in recreation 19

Change in church activities 19

Change in social activities 18

Minor mortgage or loan 17

Change in sleeping habits 16

Change in number of family reunions 15

Change in eating habits 15

Vacation 13 Christmas 12

Minor violation of law 11

I dislike this scale, which has been the basis of most assessments of stress since it was first produced. I don't believe any event inevitably creates stress and that is the implicit assumption many who use this scale hold. And I think people can create stress in their lives without these events.

Stress does not lie in an event, but in the perception and interpretation of an event. The event itself is neutral. Your response depends upon you.

I often say that you can be happy or you can be right, but you can't be both? Which you choose determines whether you will find an event stressful or not.

Stress is caused by the tearing of your deepest desires, to live harmoniously with all, to treat people well, to be recognized as worthy without contorting to fit someone else's mould, to be free and to have all you desire.

Let's say you are going through your life with these universal goals underpinning everything that you do. So from time to time, you'll get an event crop up that clashes two of these desires together.

Say for example, your kids desperately want yo to attend their school play. They beg you, nag you and, not so gently, remind you that you missed last years. And you want to be a good parent. You want to be encouraging and show your interest in their development.

However on exactly the same day your Boss is pressurizing you to pitch a potentially huge Client, with the unstated threat that your career will be harmed unless you do your bit. There's no way to make both events so what do you do?

Or your wife is pregnant with complications and terrified about attending a scan to assess a possible problem with the fetus. She's moved across country to be with you and has no-one else to support her.

But at the same time your widowed Father is moving into a Home 100 miles away. You feel bad that you can't look after him as his hearing is poor and he gets a little confused and so promised you'd be there all day until he was settled in. He's a proud and somewhat stubborn man and won't accept help from anyone but you. What do you do?

It's events like this of varying intensity that cause us to feel stressed. The conflict between two opposing desires. You see, life provides a continual stream of fresh situations that demand you make decisions about them.

In each situation you must decide and make a stand. Where do your priorities lie? What is more important to you? How will you express your decision to those affected? And can you stay true to your decision even if it upsets others, even in the face of emotional blackmail?

The discomfort and damage that stress does is due to a protracted decision making process. Eventually you are going to have to make a decision, aren't you? The stress that you experience comes from the back and forth before you actually make the decision. The natural human response to a difficult situation is to try to avoid or escape from it.

So we avoid making the decision and focus instead on how terrible it is that we are in this situation. How unfair the world is. How mean our Boss is. How needy other people are. And on and on endlessly. But analyze any stressful situation and notice how it eventually resolved, occasionally the Gods will smile on you and rescue you from the dilemma, typically though you had to make a decision. Maybe after making the decision, you to and fro ed between the two options in Decision makers remorse.

But the relief from a stressful situation comes when you make a decision and commit wholeheartedly to it. In this there is power, the power of certainty of who you are and what you are about. You see, life is really only a moment by moment exploration of how you stand relative to all subjects in your life.

Once you decide what your life here is really about for you. And you get to a state that you're comfortable with yourself. A state that has gone beyond doubt, fear and insecurity. Once you can say this is who I am, regardless of what anyone else thinks of me. Then you will each a state beyond stress.

If By Rudyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

The real cause of stress is not stressful situations, but indecision. Lack of a vision and a passion to pursue that goes beyond the mundane here and now. A failure to commit to something greater than you, that you believe wholeheartedly in. A weakness in the development of a personal identity. And relying on others for emotional support and validation.

Wen you find something deeper, a greater vision and passion, you will transcend stress. Stress is not an exceeding of your ability to cope. It is a lack of belief in your potential to cope.

You absolutely can do this. You just have to want to find the way to do it enough to explore the solution. And if you would like to join in with others exploring the same issues head over to www.livewithoutconflict.com and sign up to be notified of our updates and join in the conversation.