Domestic violence, domestic abuse, spousal abuse - the costs are so high to the victims who may not survive, to the children who may never learn a better way to be and so perpetuate this ill, and to the fabric of a society, of which we are all a part, made sick with this disease - yet so many choose to stay in abusive, violent relationships.

Women and men will cling to a bad relationship in spite of everything and everyone that tells them they must escape. They will defend an abusive or violent partner in the very face of damage and in spite of the danger.

They don't seem to be able to recognize the signs of escalating abuse. They accept the ever-tightening control - Oh, that's just his way. He likes to know where I am. No, we won't be coming; he doesn't enjoy that sort of thing. They ignore the growing isolation from family and friends - He doesn't like me to spend too much time away with my girl friends. He doesn't get along with my folks. They don't really like him very much. You know how Mom gets in the middle of things. They make excuses for the physical violence - He was drinking: he didn’t really mean it. She said she was sorry. No, it’ll never happen again: he promised.

As you can see if you compare the numbers from the 2008 picture above with those in the following excerpt from the Darien Library website, posted in 2009, reports of domestic violence are on the rise.

"...and it shall be proclaimed in Darien on Thursday, October 1st at 11 a.m. Join the Darien Domestic Violence Task Force, town officials, and members of the community for the reading of the Proclamation which will take place right here, in the Library's Courtyard.

You may have already noticed the purple ribbons around town. They may look pretty, but they are there to serve as reminders that our town is not immune to the crimes of domestic violence. Each ribbon represents a domestic abuse/violence call to Darien Police - 91 calls in the fiscal year 2008/2009. 91 ribbons. The Darien Domestic Violence Task Force put the ribbons up on Saturday and they'll remain throughout the month. The Library will feature a couple of events during the month in recognition of Awareness Month."

Written by Barbara T. on September 30, 2009, this documents the efforts of one group to raise awareness of domestic violence.

Raising awareness, education, speaking out or "breaking the silence" - all are first steps in stopping and preventing domestic violence. These steps make it possible for those trapped in the vicious cycle of abuse to reach out for help and support.

...but why do they stay? Why do they ignore all the warnings and the efforts to help them escape? Why on earth do they go back?

If you have been on the receiving end of abuse or violence, you might wonder how you could have stayed so long - after the fog has begun to clear. It takes time for this process to take hold, though.

Women and men in violent or abusive relationships are not in their right minds. They are not crazy, but neither are they thinking clearly. They have been sold a bill of goods by the abuser, and have become complicit in their own abuse. Some would say they have developed, or may have already had, a "victim mentality". Some would call them "co-dependents".

Fear is probably the biggest factor in the choice to remain in an abusive or violent relationship - fear of retaliation, fear of economic hardship, fear of being alone, fear that you really are not worthy of anything better.

• If I try to leave he'll stop me or come after me and drag me back. It'll just make everything worse. If you stay, he will eventually kill you - spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and then, physically - or you will kill him. Your children will grow up believing that's just how it is. Nothing is worth staying - the life you save could be your own. It can always get worse if you stay, but it will eventually get better once you leave.
• I can't survive without him. I can't support myself. I have no money. Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Yes, you can...there are agencies that can help you relocate, find a job, get an education, get a better job. There are networks dedicated to helping abused women escape. As well, there are networks and agencies that will help support you until you get back on your feet. It will take some research and some reaching out, but help is available. It won't be easy, especially if you have children. It can be very frightening being on your own, but it is far better than the alternative of giving up and going back. Even if things are good at first, the abuser will eventually fall back into old ways, and the situation will disintegrate and quickly become even more dangerous than when you left.
• I don't deserve anything better. I'm too stupid/ugly/worthless for anyone else to ever want me. This is part of the insidious nature of abuse. After a time we begin to believe what we are told. Your own brain begins to play those hateful "tapes" every time you dare to think otherwise, every time you read something that raises your hopes. I have heard intelligent well-sourced, well-educated women defend their abusers with phrases like, "Oh, it's not so bad." "He always apologizes and brings me (a gift)." "He doesn't really mean it, he just gets upset easily/has a bad temper/has trouble expressing his feelings." He really does love me, in his own way." They have learned to accept whatever their partner dishes out because though they don't like it, they have convinced themselves that this is what they truly deserve out of life - pain, fear, violence, abuse.
  

Whatever you call these victims, and however harrowing it is to hear their stories, there is hope. There are safe havens for them, and there are agencies who are willing and able to help, and you can assist them to find it.

If you or someone you know is at risk, here are some steps you can take:

• Contact the Victim Services Unit of your local constabulary. If your local police do not have such a thing, go online or to the library and look for shelters in your area. Sometimes the local police have not been properly trained to deal with victims of domestic violence. Sometimes, though, despite their best efforts, their hands are tied because the victims are too afraid or despairing to take the necessary steps.
  
• Call a friend or neighbor. Call someone who is willing to listen, and help. Listening to someone pour out their experience of abuse can be difficult to bear. Supporting someone through an abusive relationship can be immensely draining. It is difficult at times to get past wanting to shake some sense into them. Consider though, how very difficult it is to even admit something like this has happened. Be careful though, that your support does not become a crutch for them to remain in the situation. In that case, then you are becoming part of the problem. Your support may be enabling them to remain in the situation. If such is the case, or if you suspect it is becoming so, encourage them to seek professional help in addition as talking to you. They may be unwilling at first, but reassure them that you will still be there for them. Set an example by seeking support for your own well-being - because this can affect your emotional balance as well.
  
• Leave at once. There is nothing to be gained by staying and much to be lost, including lives. If you are able to plan and pack, do so - but leave. If you are waiting for any reason except an opportunity - stop waiting. Call a cab if you have the money. Call a friend or neighbor if you do not. There is nothing in your home that is worth a life, or worse, that is worth the life of a child.
  

There is help and love and support out there if you will reach out your hand for it. There is a safe haven from violence and abuse, even for you. No matter how desperate, or unworthy, or undeserving you feel, there is a shelter from the storm.