Surviving the Death of a Spouse
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"If you're going through Hell, keep going." -- Winston Churchill
Linda Palucci, widow of Eugene Palucci, did just that when she lost her husband to a brain tumor and cancer on March 21, 1992 after a long, desperate struggle. She went through Hell, yes, but she kept going.
After her long, stress-filled ordeal trying to cope with Gene's illness and death, she felt it was important to continue writing down her thoughts to help work her way through the aftermath. She later felt that her experience could, perhaps, help others cope with their grief after the death of a spouse. That's why she decided to publish the story of Gene's suffering and her own very personal struggle throughout his illness and after his death.
Linda tells her story openly and vividly through her tears, often taking from the diary she kept throughout that horrific time. Chipmunka Publishing Co. of the United Kingdom, an organization dedicated to mental health issues and "improving the way the world thinks about mental health," published Linda's story recently in an ebook titled, "Out of the Slippery Pit."
"I sat there with tears I could not restrain, running down my cheeks," Linda relates in her ebook. "It has been almost one year. When do you begin to feel like a person again?"
She tells of joining a group for widows and widowers called THEOS, an acronym for They Help Each Other Spiritually, noting, "It's helpful to associate with those who have survived widowhood for various lengths of time."
"I believe only someone who has experienced the death of a spouse can really understand the pain and confusion," Linda wrote. "Maybe only children, as I am, can adjust simply because we start out alone. We had only ourselves to depend on when we were young. I don't know if this is true or not, just a personal theory. Or, it makes us feel more alone."
Gene Palucci was a personal friend, and a neighbor, when we both lived in Darien, Conn. The only son of Eugene and Margaret Palucci, he was a native of adjacent Stamford where he grew up with his sisters, Audrey and Geri.
He was a likable, happy-go-lucky guy with a good disposition and a great sense of humor. He and Linda raised four boys, Russ, Scott, Chris and Greg and a girl, Cheryl, in Darien. Later they moved to nearby Bridgeport.
A quintessential family man, Gene was a Little League baseball manager for more than 10 years as well as a Boy Scout leader. Despite his other numerous activities, he served as a volunteer firefighter with the Noroton Fire Department, one of three volunteer departments in the town of Darien, which lies between the cities of Stamford and Norwalk.
A U.S. Navy veteran, Gene learned to drive large rigs when he was in the service. Linda says he joined the U.S. Navy because he loved the water, but he was stationed in Tennessee. He told Linda the only time he saw any ships were in the Hudson River when he drove over the George Washington Bridge. As a civilian after his discharge from the Navy, he drove a variety of trucks, moonlighting often as a limousine driver, taking travelers to the LaGuardia and John F. Kennedy airports in New York.
Linda, who was born in 1940, daughter of Larry and Ruth Northrup, lives in Trumbull, Conn., near Bridgeport, where she works part-time in a gift shop at the Beardsley Zoo She began her work career as a long distance telephone operator. Since Gene's death, Linda has had to face her own physical challenges. She is a cancer survivor, but first had to undergo a laryngectomy.
In discussing her ebook, Linda said, "This is my story of the death and first year of widowhood. It is all true. I wrote it to try and make sense of what was happening. It still hurts; that is the best way to describe it. It Hurts! A pain in my stomach like someone punched me, took my breath away. I really did not think I could go on alone. You never know, you just never know."
She also talks of how her world changed when, in the doctor's office with Gene, they learned the reason for Gene's headaches and double vision.
"It's a brain tumor, inoperable," the doctor declared.
She said her happy life fell into "The Slippery Pit."
"When we lose our spouse," she said, "we are not ourselves any more. After 32 years, nowhere near enough time, I would be alone again. I could not even grasp it. My mind could not accept it."
In her ebook, Linda tells of meeting three other "gals" at THEOS and of going to a few singles' dances. She describes her experience at that first dance as "rough."
"I sat there wondering what am I doing here? The men were not appealing, and the music was too loud. I felt dead inside."
"Rosemary, the proprietor, asked why I was not dancing. I burst out, 'I can't feel the music!' This was true; the music was gone. Nothing seemed important."
"In the beginning a widow can sit at home and cry," Linda said. "After a while, 'they' say she must get back into the world, pick up the pieces and make a new life; like the Phoenix from the ashes of before."
Linda Palucci's ebook is available in paperback, too here
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Comments
Thanks, Bob. Linda''s ebook, I think, will help a lot of people struggling with the illness and aftermath of a spouse's illness and death. She really tells it like it is!
William,
Very touching story!! She sounds like such an insirational woman!
Im sure this book, which may not be as popular as the Harry Potter books, but i am damn sure it will be of great help for those in need! as much as Harry Potter is entertaining!
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, compu-smart, for you nice comments. Linda is certainly an inspirational woman. And her ebook is truly inspirational. I hope anyone who is going through the difficulties of losing a spouse will read the full ebook because I know it will be a great help. I lost my wife to cancer in October of 2004, and I can assure you that Linda's sad but inspiring story is right on the mark -- and extraordinarily frank.
I would say 'I would have like Gene to have passed my way."
I have had many deaths in our family but in fifty years no spouse. Thank God. I do not know how I would feel if that tragedy happened to me.
A Magic hub.
thank you
Thank you, MrMarmalade, for your very nice comment. Gene, indeed, was an admirable guy. A good husband and father, a hard worker, a veteran, a firefighter and a good friend. Losing a loved one is always traumatic, but Linda's willingness to bare her soul will undoubtedly benefit many others who find themselves in that unfortunate situation.
She is so right that you cannot understand living through the death of a spouse until you've experienced. My husband was my soulmate. He died in an accident at age 27, and left a 10 month old son who still wonders to this day what it would have been like to know his dad.
Thank you for this hub. I'm sure her book will help so many people. I wish I had had it 22 years ago.
Life and death. We all share them both. How sad that only in the latter are we ever truly equal.
The death of a spouse is always heart-wrenching, dafla, but at a young age it must be almost unbearable. For young children, the loss of a parent has to be extremely traumatic. I can only hope that Linda's story reaches those who need solace at such a trying time.
It's something all of us must face at one time or another, ColdWarBaby, but, in the meantime, let's hope we can all live in peace and harmony -- and equality.
Losing a spouse must be like walking in a hallway and having the next step being an incomprehensible experience into a standedness in outer space.
Great article. Best wishes to everyone that has lost a spouse.
That's about the way it is, Patty. It's devastating, and time may heal all wounds, but the scars never go away. I would have like to quote more of Linda's ebook in this hub, but that wasn't possible. I only hope that anyone facing the loss of a spouse, or anyone who has ever lost a spouse, will take a little time to read what she wrote. It's very, very real.
Losing a spouse is terrible, and I speak from personal experience. I lost my first Husband from Bowel Cancer. We had been together about 8 years, married for the last three of them. The abdominal pains he had been experiencing in his final weeks were attributed to Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Diverticulitis by the Doctors, and as the colonoscopy was not possible when attempted because of the pain it caused my Husband we left things as they were for several more weeks. I was only 31 and he was 48. When I did finally have to call an ambulance to rush him to hospital one Sunday, they quickly operated and found he was riddled with inoperable bowel Cancer. I had to hide this from him for two days until he was strong enugh to be told that he may only have between 6 weeks and 6 months to live. His first response when told by the Doctor was, "well, when your time's up, it's up", to which the Doctor said, "I hope if I am ever given news like this myself I take it as well as you have done". Two weeks later my Husband was a living skeleton, asking the nurses to help him die and incoherant because of all the morphine he was on. We finally got him home for two final days, and then he died at home with me holding his hand. This was incredibly traumatic, and not helped by the fact his family treated me appallingly after he died. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy, and if I could have taken the pain and disease from him and on to myself I would have. My heart goes out to those going through simliar expereinces, or those who have already been through what I went through in one form or another.
Like your first husband, Cindy, my wife was incredibly brave and uncomplaining. She was first diagnosed with breast cancer, but after a mastectomy and many chemo-therapy sessions, it turned out to be small-cell lung cancer. Linda's account of her experience, in her ebook, not only relates what happened with her husband, Gene, but also Linda's feelings throughout his illness and her efforts to cope with the aftermath. I very much appreciate your comments.
I am so sorry to hear you have been through this too.
Hi William,
I think the hardest part of losing my spouse was in grasping the reality that yes, he was gone. Unlike Linda, i did not join a group, probably because I had enough family and friends watching out for me.
I had no idea you also lost your spouse, and for that I am truly sorry. I share your grief. God bless, William, and know you are not alone.
I didn't join a group either, Trish, although the hospice offered me an opportunity to do so. Nevertheless, I know, however, that such groups do a wonderful job helping survivors to adjust. Thank you very much for your comment and for your kind condolences.
You're right William. I have friends who did just that and it helped a great deal. If you ever want to talk further about your loss, feel free to email me. I'm a good listener :)
That's very kind of you, Trish. It'll be four years ago tomorrow, but I think I'm coping "as well as can be expected." I'm only hoping our hubs on this topic will help others who are facing the issue right now.
Just keep hanging in there William. Everyone handles grief in their own way. You'll find your way and honestly, in time you'll find your peace.
I do believe people are finding comfort in our words. Thanks so much for stopping by.
I, too, have experienced that numbness of being told, it is brain cancer in the worst possible place. We were told this on 04/23/08. But the next day, the doctors said, no wait, it is colon, liver, lung and brain cancer. He had zero symptoms, until it reached his brain. He had a MRI on 03/10/08 of his head that showed NOTHING and then on 04/24/08 it showed up? The doctors would not give us a time frame and saddly he died on 05/23/08. He had just turned 58 a few days before. It was such a shock and so many things that have happened to me since then. I believe in God, but I just don't understand why He has given me so many trials since then.
I am truly sorry for your loss, Ona. It's a difficult time, indeed, and I hope Linda's experience gives you some solace. There are often many trials we must face, some more than others. Each of us must find our own way of coping, but, somehow, most of us survive. Some find solace in grief support groups, others with friends, clergy or counselors. You are not alone. We're all in this together.
To lose a spouse, relative or close friend can be traumatic. When we trust in the Lord and understand our relationship with Him and our lost ones, we can be comforted. When we feel the futility of grieving hopelessly and endlessly, we know that life goes on and must accept the consequence and snap out of it. We should thank the Lord that we had enjoyed the closeness of the departed for a certain period, but life continues on just as the sun rises and sets. Trust in God that He still has something in life for us to go on living, maybe a son or daughter or a grandchild to look forward to. Grieving takes time, but it will pass. Look forward to the future when you will meet him or her in the future life. God bless.
Like Linda, people of faith find comfort in their religious beliefs, although it's never easy for anyone to lose a spouse, family member or close friend. Your comment is very much appreciated, einron. Linda's book, by the way, has recently been published in paperback by chipmunka publishing. For those interested in obtaining the paperback, here is the URL: http://chipmunkapublishing.co.uk/shop/index.php?cu
You help in a way so thank you. My Husband Jim ,of almost 38 years found in March 2007 he had a Stage Four Glioblastoma Brain Tumor. Third in his family in under ten years. He fought bravely for almost two years.We lost him Jan.24th 2009. After Surgery and Lifetime radiation I found out about Dr.H Friedman at Duke Brain Institute.He offered hope with a then non-FDA approved drug " Avastin ". So we lived life with gusto....several times with no cancer on his MRI.We talked, loved ,fished, cried and held on.My sadness is devastating but I think what if we had never found each other at all? Priceless he was to me and our 36 year old son .Peace to you all
It surely is devastating, Kathy, to lose a spouse, but somehow we survive. I am pleased that Linda's story may have been of some help to you, and to others. It takes time to work out the aftermath, and one never fully understands the nature of life and death, but we go on -- as we must. My sincere condolences for your loss. And peace to you and your son as well.
William, thanks for visiting my hub about coping with loss. I fully understand Linda's feeling that only someone who has gone through it can understand it. I felt that way about losing my son. Others around me tried to help, but they had no idea what I was feeling and the words to express it didn't come very easily in the beginning. What Linda has done by writing the ebook is a valuable resource for others like her and it probably helped her in dealing with it as well.
Linda Palucci's ebook is very touching, KCC Big Country. As I've said to Linda, I could never be so open and unreserved in explaining my feelings throughout my late wife's ordeal in fighting breast cancer and lung cancer. I didn't join any grief support groups myself, but I understanding they can be very helpful. No one ever wants to suffer alone.
I joined a local grief support group but I didn't find it very helpful since a couple of particular people there wanted to insist at every single meeting that THEIR loss was much worse than anyone else there. I really didn't wish to compete for who had been hurt the worst. Because this gentleman had lost two grandchildren, a son, and a wife of 50 years he felt qualified to tell us which loss was the worst. I got the most help from reading anything I could get my hands on and visiting a website that had message boards for each type of loss so that I could talk to others just like me and do it anonymously and in the privacy of my own room.
I found that reading a good book -- or several -- helps ease the pain, KCC. Everyone, I'm sure, struggles in different ways to cope. The gentleman you refer to was obviously having an extremely difficult time coping with his loss.
Bob says:
12 months ago
Nice read Bill