Suzuki's 2008 1300 And 1800 Deformed Emetogenic Mutants

If anyone had doubts that Suzuki stylists get paid in hallucinogens, the 2008 model line proves it once and for all. These motorcycles aren't just ugly: they're repulsive! These aren't motorcycles, they're props from Alien! Posters of these bikes will be put up in E.R.s everywhere to induce vomiting!

Let's start with the hideously repugnant model before we graduate to the "I wanna pull my eyes out of their sockets" one. The 2008 Suzuki Boulevard M109R is what happened when Dr. Emory Erickson, the creator of the Star Trek Transporter, cross circuited his transport buffers between a Suzuki C109R and a Hayabusa, resulting in a half human, half insect cross that even the hungriest spider wouldn't eat.

What is this thing? Even Suzuki's own PR materials can't make heads or tails of it.

When it comes to wrapping that performance package in cruiser styling, a picture is worth a thousand words. Check out its sleek, flowing lines and GSX-R inspired styling touches, and you'll realize that the Boulevard M109R is in a class of its own.

This is just like Ferrari announcing that the new Enzo II is inspired by the Peterbilt Model 389 Unibilt Cab Sleeper! A cruiser is one thing and a sports bike is another, you braindead nincompoops! Are you that desperate to sell a bike that you're throwing all the spaghetti against the wall and hoping some will actually stick? Who is going to buy a 703 lb (dry) sportsbike? Dr. Valentino Bigfoot?

There is one thing I do like about the M109R. It has a radical 240/40R18 on the back, so if we stripped off absolutely everything except the basic drivetrain, the frame and the rear wheel, we'd have a killer starting point for a monster metric chopper. Other than that, it's nothing but a huge pile of metallic hype.

Now, it's time to pull my eyes out. The 2008 Suzuki GSX1300BK is actually formally referred to as the B-King by Suzuki itself, and it shares many similarities with the omnipresent burger emporium's fare: It is completely tasteless, has no real value, and just one look at it will make you sick.

The idea of giving a naked Hayabusa to the 16 year old mama's boys who will wrap themselves around a tree at 170 mph by nightfall is not all that bad. After all, we must do everything possible to promote survival of the fittest and with Hayabusa riders being in the highest echelon of the Darwin Awards, this can add a whole new dimension to the "stupid teenagers being dragged to the morgue in a bucket" brigade. But there is absolutely no excuse for the styling! What is that dual tone scoop-shelf thing on the side of the tank? That phallic muffler sticking out the rider's butt? That B-movie space helmet headlight? Could they possibly have made this aberration any more emetogenic? (Look that up in your Funk & Wagnall's!)

I dare... no, I double dare, any rabid, blind, and thoroughly demented Suzuki fanboi to defend the looks of either one of these deformed mutants.

Bring it on, boys!