THE END OF RETAIL THERAPY AND FALSE COMFORT ZONES
64Ahhhh, the good ole days,
I remember those. We would shop daily for – well – anything we fancied. Discontent with merely our needs being met – retail therapy gives the illusion of fulfillment. Until I read a gripping and compelling fellow Hubber's tale this morning, I didn't really "get it".
As an unencumbered single, I worked either double full-time hours or two jobs. "We're either making it or spending it" was my belief so I saved plenty. With a child, there are more expenses with less time to work.
When my daughter was about 4, after selling my home on agreement of sale, it finally ballooned and I was like a kid in a candy store with a gold Amex card. I didn’t think it was retail therapy. Other than the joy of being a mother, the rest of my life was a mess but hey – just as in the good ole days, we’d shop for that ‘new hat’ and feel better.
Who was this guy?
Before Christmas, I came up with what I thought was a BRILLIANT plan. I’d guarantee her safety and whereabouts by telling her to check out all the toys to decide on “just one” she wanted. Then, I’d merrily skip off to play hidden Santa. For a couple of months, the plan was working and the “one” she chose on each spree, seemed relatively inconsequential since Santa was happily buying a couple dozen daily! By the time Christmas arrived, it took a whole day to unwrap all she was blessed to receive and I was as gleeful as she, just watching her delight.
My child’s birthday is the day after mine near the end of January. It was a great excuse to celebrate for a couple of weeks – one prior for me, one after for her. That year, mom was even better than Santa to her – some sort of perverse competition for recognition I suppose.
Re-visiting Kauai
Then, it seemed logical to revisit and close out a 10 x 10 storage unit I still had in Hawaii. Other than a 99 cent colander I refused to replace, remembering what was in it eluded me. It was a wonderful trip. We went back to all the places we frequented when she was younger. I love Kauai!
As soon as I opened the door to the storage unit however, a deep unwitting moan escaped. Year’s worth of lonely night retail therapy glared at me. I’d already begun to realize a parent isn’t supposed to spoil a child like that – that’s the grandparents’ job. It was too late. There it all was – an entire room packed to the rafters with things I thought my daughter might enjoy in the years to come.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
- The Montessori Method
Montessori method creates an environment that "fosters the fulfillment of their highest potential - spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual..."
A couple months later, I remember a question on the Montessori application: “What type of toy does your child enjoy the most?” Argh – there were too many to differentiate so I delegated the question to her. She looked up for just a second and realized without any doubt, “New ones!” she replied. "Out of the mouths of Babes", I thought. As an only parent, I had my work cut out for me now.
It was a tough year. I was hit hard with the I.R.S. levying every nickel from some trumped up penalty charges - even after making reasonable payment arrangements. The network marketing company I’d been working for went bankrupt owing a year’s worth of salary and on and on. Our needs were still being met (even if I had to occasionally convince myself that all I needed were cigarettes and coffee). Yet I still didn’t “get it”.
Over the next dozen years, no matter how hard I struggled to regain my financial footing, one disaster after another befell us. Moreover, please don’t misunderstand. I never took a dime of your money with welfare, nor did my parents help or anyone else for that matter. My daughter always had a roof over her head, food, clothing, and even “extras” with gymnastic lessons for years. It was just that I couldn’t get a grip on or attain that once “enviable”, carefree, retail therapy mode. Every dime was weighed against the time it took to earn it. I had to be efficient, appreciative, and careful.
I’d see glimmers of hope once-in-awhile. Being able to purchase and renovate homes for a profit, obtaining another little piece of heaven with acreage in the mountains. Never-the-less, each blessing seemed to precede a huge, illogical “injustice”. The optimist in me would tenaciously hang onto hope, repeating, “There will always be light at the end of the tunnel”. My realist quick to remind that until now, that light was usually a train coming full speed ahead.
So many being "SLAMMED"!
- Rosy employment statistics mask state of U.S. job market - The New York Times
On Friday, the government will release the latest employment report, which will help clarify whether the economy is slipping into a recession...
Bankruptcy Stats
The disasters kept getting worse – stronger – more challenging. When my daughter was a teenager I even thought the last few, losing absolutely everything including my credit, were good. She had to work and learned the value of a dollar herself.
It didn’t prevent my manifesting resentful cancer but that too was overcome – this time completely surrendering my life to God. Did I forget to mention? Every time I was slammed I’d get closer to God and pray for a sign – pray for what to do, which way to go. Cherishing the truly important things in life became increasingly more prevalent: love, compassion, helping others, encouraging whoever I could…
In the last year, I’ve looked around at all the injustices. Watching all the greedy insurance execs and financiers bankrupting people, making them lose everything, I thought, “Why should everyone suffer because of their greed?” It hasn’t helped to be in a position of having nothing myself. That’s only made it worse because I do feel compassion, knowing what they’re going through and unable to help financially at all.
After 22 years without even a call, my cousin "gave her away".
A couple weeks ago, I had the privilege of visiting with my brother who is climbing back up himself. He too has gone through so much the only solace and peace is in prayer and gratitude. I was explaining how my daughter had uninvited me to her wedding because her “new family” has been playing Santa for a couple years, making my focus and emphasis on love seem of little value.
What he said was worth repeating, “If you still have any ego left, you haven’t been slammed hard enough yet.”
Despite years of rough edges being polished through adversity and Joel Osteen's words echoing in my brain "We are Victors not Victims!" - had I hoped for a shoulder to cry on?
Mindfield - a story that could change your life too
- THE DAY I BECAME THE AD
I had a heart attack the other day - unexpected - at 57. Tim Russert died from it. I lived to tell about it. Here is my story. What nearly killed me can make YOU stronger.
Grab a few moments a day of pure HOPE
- http://www.joelosteen.com/Pages/Index.aspx
...we all face challenges, difficulties, and times when things don’t go as planned. God doesn’t send these storms, but He uses these struggles to help us grow and develop. Every adversity is an opportunity...
One of the reasons I used to love Kauai so much was that with every natural disaster, we’d all be there helping each other clean up – as though God planned a picnic gathering. There would be a tsunami warning and with only one road to escape, we’d find ourselves letting dozens enter ahead into the traffic. Who was to judge if our life was more important than theirs?
This morning I read "THE DAY I BECAME THE AD" by Mindfield. Her struggle to hang onto the “stuff” or die made me finally “get it”. Freeing ourselves from attachment to things is the ultimate blessing. Getting off the treadmill to focus on love, life, and true joy isn’t bad at all.
I share my ignorance, mistakes and “thick headedness” with you hoping that if you’re still stuck in that illusion of stressed out “comfort”, or hiding from what’s important with ‘retail therapy’, you just might decide to make a more rewarding choice.
God has a way of building character through adversity, but why wait to be slammed? Bet there’s a person very close to you now who could use a hug, or a caring pair of ears, instead of that useless gadget or thousandth dress. Life is worth living and personally, I’m grateful for each moment.
Love, peace, and health be with you!
Gratitude Log 21 days to more abundance & Struggles to Peace
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Comments
Sounds like you learned a hard lesson the hard way. We want the best for our children, of course. Especially when we are raising them without the benefit of a stable, committed life partner. Call it guilt, call it whatever you want. It's replacing what's really important with what's absolutely NOT important.
Very sorry to read that your daughter turned her back on you when you could not or would not continue force-feeding her "things." God help her if she ends up living that "for richer, for POORER" part of the marriage vows.
Well, at least YOU saw the light! BTW, I love Joel Osteen too! MM
Thank you for commenting fellow single parent. Your words are very true and I hope many single parents (parents period) everywhere read your point(s) before making the same mistakes I did. I rearranged my life to spend time with my daughter - more than most kids get to enjoy from 2 parents. But the retail therapy sure wasn't "within reason" or only for her needs. Nor did I expect anything at all in return - her love and delight were enough.
In hindsight, I think one of the most important elements missing in a single parent home is there isn't a second adult view to show the child respect. Sure, it's tough not to have an example of a good adult relationship. But I believe it's almost impossible for a child to learn to respect a parent without another there to admonish if they don't.
And one thing I have learned in life - few deserve more respect than single parents!
Thank you for your input Mighty Mom. From what I've seen for decades, it isn't just single parents who replace what's valuable with "stuff" - and too few seem truly committed. The worse is when there's a divorce and one will attempt to "buy" the kids with things while the other is busy trying to turn the kids against the other natural, biological parent. Poor kids these days... And many parents have burried themselves in the delusion of retail therapy as all that's needed to pretend their marriage is OK
Appreciate your sentiments of sympathy as well. After what I did when she was tiny, there was very little "force feeding" involved. I especially knew we were both in trouble when I finally, after years of only giving or buying for her, purchased a pair of sneakers for myself (I'd been using her thrown away ones which were way too small). She actually got P.O.d because I'd bought something for myself as if she had more of a right to my money than I did. That was when she was a teenager though - they go through that rebellious stuff, it's inevitable.
Another contributing factor to it all was that I consciously raised her to be very independent. My thought was that if I died, I wanted her to be able to take care of herself in an orphanage - there was no family to go to. And the other side of the coin - because there is a HUGE bright side - she is independent, just graduated Suma Cum Laude and is going on for her PhD; she's very loving and considerate when she wants to be and did find an absolutely incredible guy to marry!
As an only parent with nowhere else for her to turn, I'd discipline but get over it in a heartbeat. Didn't want her to feel "abandoned" by holding a grudge. Unfortunately, she doesn't agree with that and seems to relish holding onto resentment - that's what happened for her marriage ceremony. I got p.o.d at her taking so much of even my future hope of money/inheritance (since I have 0 for retirement). I let go within 48 hours, she "wrote me off" and not attending the wedding was "revenge". It was a "test" we both failed at miserably.
In the meantime, my cousin is now enjoying stepping in as an unearned "parent" for an extremely successful child - not a dime to pay in worry or decades of being there for her, doing without himself if she needed something, not a dime given of his own money but getting accolades for it all. I know God has a plan but the injustice hurts like hell. "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"...
I'm hoping the light I've seen blinds me to the inevitably bad karmic debts due. Perhaps that is my blessing in it all - I'm forced to let go of worrying or trying to protect her. Sometimes there are things we just have to learn ourselves - the hard way. Joel Osteen is awesome isn't he!!!
You have certainly lived in some interesting places that have made you the cosmopolitan woman you are today. I love that quote when your daughter was asked what her favorite toys were. New Ones! Also, that saying of yours that the light at the end of the tunnel might be a freight train is very funny.
I knew you had had Lupus—but cancer, too?! I can't imagine, having never been sick. I don't think I would do well seriously ill, as you have been. Your article here is very thought provoking on many levels. Thank you for sharing a very personal journey. I believe that you doing so will have positive effect. I am going to go read the Mindfield article, too.
The Calvinists believe God chooses us 100% of the time and that if he chooses you he is successful in getting you where he wants you to be 100% of the time. The thing is, He will whisper if that works. If not He will shout. It's like when the cops say, "You can come quietly, or we'll take you by force—your call, pal."
Thank you for 'listening' and leaving your supportive comment James - words could never express my gratitude fully. I very much hope sharing my story does help others - that is my full intention. As deeply as it hurts, anything I can do to prevent others from feeling this much pain, is worth the added tears of going public. We never know when it will be too late to share our lessons...
"Out of the mouths of Babes" indeed! If everyone were to get really honest with themselves, that would be the answer to all I'm sure. "What kind of car do you like?" "A new one!"... I give my dad credit for the train - his jokes were profound on many levels as well > Why be tunnel visioned when seeking the light? (is the way I used to hear that one)
Haven't ever looked into the Calvinists - and will indeed do that. For decades "Footprints" has been my saving grace vision. Don't think I would have lasted a day as an only parent, nor to overcome diseases without trusting His guidance and "cranking up the faith" when adversity felt overwhelming. Your words make me smile though - I just might see myself in God's hands while acting out a mini tantrum next time my buttons are pushed and I'm tempted to go into "react" LOL
WoW! SEMPro- this is awesome! I can so relate. Not only to the struggles of being a single parent, yet also having been raised by a single parent! My mother worked her arse off to raise my brother and myself after my parents split. Sometimes, she had 3 jobs prior to hitting it big in the corporate world. Needless to say we spent a lot of time with our grandparents when I was young, which was great as well. Even though she ensured to provide us with the latest of all she could, I was very disgruntled because I just wanted time with my mom. She and I will never forget a moment when she was trying to explain that she needed to be away working so much so that we could have nice things... my reply was " I would rather live in a tent, and be with you, than having the latest"! I believe I was about 12 yrs. at the time... I carry my same thoughts raising my son, life is just too damn short to be materialistic for the cost of it takes away from us!
I think a we as a collective are seeing the affects of therapy shopping, greed, self gratification through materialism. Seems to have tossed the world into a nose dive for a slap in th face reality check! I think those whom can thwart off the ego drive are the ones who will survive harmoniously!
I had my hay-day as well in my 20's, it was fun for a while. Yet, living in Vail, Colorado for a great amount of time, when though it attracts the wealth and glam of the world, there is the local community feel of everyone taking care of each other in hardship. I connected with some of the most beautiful people in my life there. The "for-fathers" to say whom were there from the beginning and they have enriched my life forever! So, I understand your connection to Kauai as well.
I can relate to so much of what you have shared! I just love reading your hubs! They are always full of great meaning and wisdom! :)
Wow to you Jodi - I feel as though you just embraced my soul! Eternal gratitude!
I'm sorry for the anguish of your own first hand experience of being given "stuff" over time! Before my daughter was one, I did some serious soul searching to weigh the pros and cons between keeping the dream of my home in the tropics and continuing to work in the job I LOVED, and giving all that up to be a full time mom. The sitters would watch soaps and the future moment I saw became the deciding factor - why raise a child you wouldn't know?
Years later I pulled her out of gymnastics despite her "going for the gold" with as much ambition as I'd had because the other parents used the gym as a full time sitter. It wasn't good enough to just let them spend 35 hours a week after school, they added a program in the evenings+wknds and both working parents would stop work long enough to come pick up their kid, throw some dinner down their throat and pack them off to bed. I was becoming the "bad parent" who refused to succumb to "farming" out my kid to fatten their pocketbook. You are so right - what's happening is a huge over-due slap in the face reality check it seems.
A dream I forfeited was to create a co-op sanctuary. They say if you have the dream, you have the power to create it. It's not about me though, so it remains a dream. Perhaps I will go for it after all so those of us who can relate to that true connection, can live the now in harmony - hmmm - maybe I'm ready to make it a little about me and what I want :)
Thank you dear Lady - stay on the harmonious path - I'll join you and your son camping any day! You have soothed my sorrow and made sharing this totally worth it! Much love, Sylvia
Amen! SemPro, you have said it like a pro! I can relate to so many of the experiences that you've mentioned. I was a single mother for over 10 years, raising my daughter on a meagre budget, while putting myself through university. I didn't want to let life pass me by, so I turned to the easily accessible credit that's available in North America.
I was born in a third world country where access to credit was not the norm. My parents built their home block by block without a mortgage; I went to college that was operated by the government, so no tutition. My dad had a credit card which he used only when we travelled abroad. So imagine the culture shock, when I arrived in Canada as an International student and could almost immediately get a credit card. I was in Credit card heaven, not thinking about how I was going to repay. As long as I made the minimum payment I'd be fine I thought.
I was not going to let my daughter feel less of a person than the other kids, so I spoiled her some. Even though I was somewhat frugal, this is from my upbringing, I was spending more that I was earning and that does catch up with you. So yes I learned my lesson with retail theraphy and I'm the better for it.
My daughter is going away in September to graduate school and I've tried to teach her the lessons of retail theraphy, I hope she has listened.
Thanks for sharing your life experience. I continue to learn from you. May God bless you.
By the way, Atlanta was awesome and HOT. I LOVED my 2 days in the city.
Ahhh DynamicS - my fellow Canadian/world traveler. Thank you so much for adding your story - well said. Until we live elsewhere, taking the privileges of this great continent for granted might be all we know until faced with how unaware we were - profound point. Whatever happened with your own extravagance, I'm delighted it was there to enable you to attend university and raise your daughter!
Unfortunately, she too may have to learn the hard way. They know so much more than we do at that age you know :)
Atlanta is TOO hot! People spend more time indoors here than in Canada! I've lived in warmer parts because I love the outdoors - need to move back home or elsewhere soon... I was in TO the end of May and it was as though everyone downtown shared a wonderful, special event together - SPRING! :) There is much that I miss about that city but procrastinating the move comes from preferring the country setting no matter where in the world it is.
Thank you for stopping by and sharing DynamicS - we learn from each other and may God continue to bless us both...
I never do much retail therapy. Buy most my stuff online, find the rest for free. ;)
Hey Hack - welcome to hp! I called the packed to the rafters storage unit "retail therapy" but it was all mail order - not many places to shop on Kauai at that time - same thing. I'll be looking for your tales of "free" stuff unless that's dumpster diving. Can't imagine throwing a kid in a dumpster Christmas eve would be much better than what I did :)
Finally got to a computer!!
I am not a single parent, but then Retail Therapy knows no different and cares even less who it affects or when, but, I believe it is safe to say that every one of us, male, female, young or old has been, or is a believer in the Retail Therapy as a cure for what roubles us. I myself am no longer a victim of this syndrome thank God!! I came to the realization that it only made most of my troubles worse in the long run and then I always ended up with a whole lot of "stuff" that I had to get rid of because it served no purpose in my life other than being "mine".
This little word which we become so attached to as children, has an indelible effect on our behavior in later years. Most of us believe that we outgrow the "mine" syndrome and we spend long and agonizing hours teaching ourselves(deluding ourselves?), by trying to teach our children to share, into believing that it doesn't have to be "MINE"
We are quick to stop them from monopolizing the toys and always push them into sharing with their playmates, but the fact remains that this desire to possess things and "own " them never really goes away. We are only here for a few short years in the grand scheme of things, yet we are audacious enough to "own the land, or the car or boat or well I think you get the picture, when in actuall fact we are here as caretakers of God's magnificent design and we arte failing miserably at that job. Retail Therapy is a very small part of the reality, and is in my view a manifestation of our failure in this. I do believe that those of us who are at the cusp of realization that it does us no good, or are beyond the need for this crutch, are closer to realizing that as we are like a bird, passing through the space, but having little effect upon it. At least that is the way it should be.
Our children, God Bless Them, are going to go forth, regardless of what we tell them and make the same mistakes we did, all on their own, which is as it should be. Most of us can look back upon our lives and find a couple of things we would do differently given the chance, but then, maybe that is why we are not given the chance!
I believe that you are doing a much needed clearing of the mind for yourself, while at the same time offering some great insight and advice to others who may be in the clutches of the Retail Therapy trying to get out.
Once again, kudos on shedding light on a horrendous problem, while still maintaining your sanity. Even after knowing you all these years, you leve me in awe!
Thanks for sharing and remember the old saying:
"Nolim illegitimus converundum" (Never let the bastards get you down)!!!!!!
Aloha my friend - thank you for getting to a computer and adding your own very fine wisdom! Your light is shed with even a greater perspective for the betterment of us all.
Does this mean though, that you won't drive cross country to help me move my library of books? :) but...but...
Very, very much appreciate your support and encouragement to post this blog at all. I do hope it helps others break the temptation to try to fill any void with useless stuff rather than love that fulfills. Te quiero mi amigo.
SEM Pro, that was a roller-coaster of a read! I'm glad you found some peace now, even if you had to travel a rocky road to get there. This whole issue of debt in Westernised countries is difficult and frightening. Not only have individuals been encouraged to borrow vast sums, but so have corporations, and now, finally governments. People are waking up from a long sleep, and finding that they've mortgaged their futures whilst dreaming of the ultimate consumer fantasy. Too late, they're discovering that there's really no such thing as a free lunch.
Very, very well said Amanda! Started to write with this title and purpose to show exactly that - with links proving the incidious nature of it all. Then since our lives often parallel the grander picture, decided to stay in the first person. It's safer to wait until we've worked through all this stuff emotionally but with a little help from encouraging friends, even the comments have been a roller coaster for me showing the continued journey to acceptance.
Thank you for your tremendous perception and recognition of the final arrival to peace. Now, the challenge is to help prevent it from becoming a literal plague, or one by one, healing the already wounded.
God does work through us, winding down avenues that we don't even know exist I'd like to share your story with friends of mine who still are in retail therapy. Their kids toy rooms so stuffed that doors cannot be opened. Designer purses on Daycare wages.
I find great gifts in my life that God does give me, daily, all for free :)
WONDERFUL comment Jane - thank you so much for stopping by and please feel free to share an outcome they may not realize is coming. When my daughter was a young teenager, the designer names were just becoming the "have to have" trend. $23 for running shoes, $76 with the name etc. - amazing how we can become slaves to advertising, drifting away from the more important, meaningful aspects of life.
God does work mysteriously at times. Had I not been so stubborn, waiting to be slammed over and over, or "got it" earlier, there was plenty my daughter and I loved doing - shopping didn't have to be a priority. "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality is disasterous and detrimental to teach our kids. No wonder stress and disease have risen so dramatically - as we believe the drug ads to cover up the symptoms and ignore the causes.
Appreciate your perspective!
SEM Pro, this is a wonderful article. Until you "hit bottom" financially you don't know what you're really missing. I used to shop all the time and now I only go if I absolutely can't avoid it - even to the grocery store! Life is so full and rich without all that buying, buying, buying. Feeling gratitude to God for what I do have is so deeply satisfying that I don't miss all that other stuff.
Three cheers for you for sharing such a great story and personal transformation. If only everyone could experience it, we'd have a very different world.
Oh Madame X - you phrased it so beautifully! Life is indeed fuller and deeply satisfying without burying ourselves or trying to fill any void with useless "stuff". I too am grateful now for all I have and realize my needs are easily met.
Perhaps I'm still in somewhat of a transition though - not to be hypocritical. As others collected useless knick knacks, my passion was collecting books - reference ones mostly to offer in a reference library wherever I "settle". Now, preparing to move, I cannot face unloading them all - especially now that I'm finally doing what I love with writing...
My solution is to start a co-op sanctuary since I no longer feel the need to "own" anything. Please wish me luck on finding like minded others and a location - my books need a home! :) Thank you so much for stopping by and adding your tremendous outlook and clearly, more satisfying lifestyle!
SEM Pro - I have the same weakness, owning books! (I only admit this secretly and in the dark - so don't tell anyone :)
Bad news Madame X - have been doing my best to keep the darkness away :( lol
Reading all those books keep the light inside shining brightly too - more bad news for you :)
Thanks, I needed a chuckle - the books can be heavy!
fellow single parent says:
5 months ago
As single parents we often try to overcompensate in some not so healthy ways. We seem to forget that as parents it is our job to teach values and develop their charactor. Somewhere between 2 and 3 years old we should we should start children thinking of what we expect of them not the other way around as we will provide for their NEEDS and not what they think they want. They need love, food, shelter, and lots of time. I'm not saying they should not have a few playthings just keep things witin reason.