"Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When happily ever after fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly..."

Well, there is a lot more to that song, but the fact is, that portion just kind of sums it up, for me anyway. I started out being told by my mother from a very young age that one day, I would meet the man God had picked out just for me. She told me that I would know who he was right away, and that I would spend the rest of my life with him. I want to say that I remember something about living happily ever after, but I can't remember what else she said. That was a long time ago.

When I met my first husband, I was sure he was THE one. I was with my uncle at a neighbor's house when I was 13, and I was sitting on the couch. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door, and in walks this gorgeous man with long, flowing dark hair. I know my heart at least skipped a beat, if it didn't stop altogether.

He sat down on a different couch. I was unsure how to approach this without just jumping on top of him and yelling, "YOU are the one, let's go, take me home, I'm ready!!!" I decided instead to saunter as daintily as possible over to the bird cage across the room to get a closer look at his face. Afraid to turn around, I dropped the pen I had in my hand and bent down to pick it up. I stayed in the down position and looked back at him through my legs. Oh my God, he was looking back at me.

Awkward!

Well, he read the newspaper and made a phone call or two, then he left. The woman who lived in the house gave me his phone number, and I started calling him. Eventually, he was sneaking into my backyard in the middle of the night so we could kiss for long periods of time (it didn't go any further until years later, right before we got married when I was 16). Now, when we met, I was 13 and he was 19. Nowadays, they put guys like him in jail for that kind of thing, but we're talking 1983. I don't know what the rules were back then, but I am sure we were breaking all of them. I know he felt it, too. He just fought it better than I did. Of course, he rebelled against anything that restricted him, so that may have been part of it...and part of the attraction...

At one point, I had given up on him. I had been living with an aunt and uncle near the town we were both from, but he was very noncommittal, so I went to live with my parents across the state. Unhappy with the abusive situation I was living in there, I started running away. I did some things during the weeks I was on the run that I would just not have done in a different situation. But I did learn a lot during those times. And I met a lot of people...

At one point, my parents called the guy I had been so crazy about, and he came over to try and help find me. They knew he was the one thing that would lure me home. Although my dad was an ex-Marine who always stayed one step behind me in our hometown, this was new territory, and I had found help from the inner city kids. They kept me pretty well hidden and fed.

But when I heard HE had come over, there just wasn't a fast enough ride home. He was gone by the time I got there, but my father actually agreed to let me date him. So he came right back over and we went on a date. Of course, I went home with him by the end of that very first date and went back to live with my aunt and uncle so that I could be closer to him. Things got a little out of hand there, so I ended up getting married to him after nearly being placed in a foster home.

All the excitement was over, and I was living with this man that I thought was going to be the "be all and the end all." Well, in a way, I guess he was. The one thing that ended with the end of that marriage was my innocence.

I can honestly say now, looking back, that I made some really stupid mistakes. I thought like a foolish child back then, and right up until the narcissistic injury that snapped me to my senses when I was 24. He chose someone older than me, who would be more able to give him what he needed. And she did. They got married and had two kids. Oh well, so much for that dream. Guess I deserved that one, though. I made some really stupid mistakes during that marriage. So did he, but I was the woman....Women aren't allowed to make the same stupid mistakes men do and get away with it, I guess. Coming from an extremely abusive household gave me some pretty twisted ideas of what was okay and what wasn't. Even though I knew that some of the things I was doing were wrong, I was not so aware of what the outcome of those things might be.

I was devastated for years over that one. But, truth be told, I can now say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would have gone crazy if I had stayed with him. He was always gawking at and flirting with other women. I needed someone to fawn all over ME. I had just left an extremely abusive father, and I needed love. I was looking for warm blood to seep from a cold stone.

He also had a severe addiction to crack cocaine, and he was an alcoholic. The funny thing is that when he was drunk was the only time he could tell me that he loved me. So I had no problem with his drinking.

This is also why I had no problem with the way my current husband was drinking during our marriage. At first. Once I saw that it only caused HIM to be MORE belligerent than he already was, that idea I had about drinking being a good thing kind of flew out the window...All I can say now about that is THANK GOD FOR AL-ANON!!!!!

What I realized with the end of my innocence is this:

A person is responsible for their own behavior. We can't control another person, no matter how much we want to or try to. We can explain how we feel and offer ultimatums, but we should not expect changes out of anyone but ourselves.

But we don't have to accept unacceptable behavior for the sake of being accepted ourselves. In fact, doing so makes us lose what little self-esteem we have left (I lost a lot of self-esteem just from abuse in childhood!). Axle Rose wasn't kidding when he said, "Welcome to the Jungle, Baby."

It can be a hard and cruel world, if we walk into it with the expectation that we need to be accepted by others. Everyone has a right to be thinking differently about different issues. But we can always find someone who will accept us for who we are and what we believe. We don't have to be right. We don't have to agree. We can just agree to disagree rather than argue.

And we can love ourselves for who we are and what we represent, because in doing that, we will draw to us the people who will give us the respect we deserve and crave. It's only a jungle when you try to fight to have your opinion heard. When people are ready for your particular message, they gravitate toward you in synchronicity.

Everything happens for a reason. Even though I thought that the man I married at 16 belonged to me and belonged in my life, I was not able to keep control over him or that situation. It simply wasn't meant to be. But as that door closed, others opened wide. It is unfortunate for a person to wallow in self pity and try to swim upstream, like the salmon.

We should always follow intuition and be open to new experiences. If there is anything I have learned as I have matured, it's that thoughts are things, there are also such things as self-fulfilling prophecies, and go with the flow.

Truly we have no choice. God is in control. When we let go of the reins, we are amazed at the final destination.