One thing I have noticed about being married to a narcissist is that I have become a little paranoid where he is concerned. My knee jerk reaction to every word exiting his mouth is that it must be a lie, because he said it. I have caught this man in so many lies, from hoarding money while I struggled to feed the children, to posting ads on pornographic websites behind my back, to letting my child play video games I did not approve of (and then telling the child to lie to me), to "borrowing" money from his parents to make it look like he had no money...every penny he got was "spoken for."

He manipulated every situation, then he accused me of being the manipulative one. He accused me of cheating on him all the time, also......I don't really want to go there....He was AWFULLY familiar with the woman nextdoor (he would run down the street to get her dogs back when they got out, and he was the one she selected to watch her house when she went in for breast reduction surgery. Funny, he never mentioned the whole thing to me until I asked why he was bringing her garbage cans up to her house one morning...). At night, he would walk around in the backyard in the dark and through the neighborhood. He unscrewed all of the lightbulbs on the exterior of the house. For hours, I wouldn't know where he was. Hmmm...

He bad-mouthed me to all of the neighbors and all of his family and friends. He tried to do the same to my family and friends, but luckily they are loyal to me. He would tell me, however, that they had said this or that terrible thing about me to try and make me dislike them, since he couldn't get them to dislike me.

One day, I found a pair of dark green women's thong underwear in his office. He tried to convince me that they were mine. They were not mine. One of my "friends," whose children are friends with my children had come over at one point. He told me she had come onto him. She did appear to be trying to get him alone, but I didn't think he would actually do anything with her. A couple of weeks ago, she said that she remembered me asking her if those underwear were hers. I never asked her about those underwear.

I don't really care at this point. My kids are close enough friends with her kids that I am not going to be petty about it. I just know who my true friends are now. He can play his little games with someone else. I have to remain the healthy parent for these children. He rarely wants to see them anymore, anyway. And when he does, he gets mad if it is for more than a few hours. He will only take the oldest one for any extended period of time.

Funny, since I left him, he claims he stopped drinking. He acts like he is Father of the Year. When I try to discuss a situation with him regarding one of the children, he "lays down the law" about the matter. I like to offer opinions, too, but there is no reason to get nasty about it.

I asked him to help me to teach the kindergartner how to tie his shoes, but he refused. I asked him if he thought that our eleven year old was old enough to stay home alone yet. He said it was probably okay just for short excursions. So we started doing that. But then that made it so that my husband could pick up and deliver the two younger children, whereas before, he "didn't have room" in his pickup truck. Now, all of a sudden, according to him, it is no longer safe to leave the eleven year old home anymore (supposedly due to recent home invasions...although I have not heard of any).

When we exchange the children, he ignores me. I am beginning to return the favor. This is his way of "devaluing" me, since I rejected his attempts at reconciliation. I can hardly wait until the children are over 18 so that I can be done with him completely. At that point, I may wave nicely in passing, but that is all he will ever vamp from me again!

I thought I wanted to find someone else after leaving him. But I am afraid that I will end up with another narcissist. I think I will just go it alone for awhile. If I do meet the right person, it will not be a compulsive jump into the relationship. I will not allow myself to be swept off my feet ever again. Call me paranoid....then walk a mile in my shoes.....