Before I had children with a man I was married to, I never felt trapped in any relationship. If I became unhappy, I just picked up and left. Irreconcilable differences were not a problem. I would just walk away. Of course, the codependent little girl in me kept trying it again with the same idiots, but I would still walk away again. And again.

Then I got together with my husband. We had one son already, and while we were broken up, I had another child with someone else. Her father was never involved, however, so my husband was the only father she has ever known. He made me promise never to tell her. I kept that promise, for awhile. I did tell her a few months ago when I left him. I didn't want anyone else explaining that to her. And besides, he had broken his promise to cherish me a long time ago.

With a third child on the way came an almost burning need to feel secure so that I knew my child would be provided for. I wanted to get married again. It all happened so fast that it is really a blur right now, looking back. I mean, the ceremony was small. My friends didn't like him, and his friends didn't like me. His friends were all weird anyway (HELLOOOOOOOO, red flag!). It was me and him, my parents, his parents, one of my sisters and his brother. There was a small party with others later on that day. We went to Disney World, but it wasn't that memorable a trip. At least not for me.

My husband never really made an effort to make me feel special. If anything, he treated me like I was supposed to lift HIM up and make HIM feel special, because he was ENTITLED to it. I don't know what makes this man feel that he is so much more important than anyone else, but he SURE seems to feel that way.

At one point in our relationship, he was doing drugs, and would not even think of quitting. When I would complain, he would just put on a show in front of everyone about how unreasonable I was. After his father died, he turned into a belligerent drunken idiot, drinking 4-6 beers every day. Sometimes he would skip a day or two, but he was always belligerent, even sober.

About two and a half years ago, I had had enough. I started going to Al-Anon, because I was at my wit's end. I went in there with the attitude that if they couldn't help me fix my husband, I was leaving him. Well, it took some real self-reflection on my part to understand that he didn't have a problem with his drinking. I did. I was the one with the problem. I was trying to control him. I was trying to control another person, and in doing so, I had lost control of myself. I looked like a ranting shrew because I had let his narcissism get under my skin. This narcissist was ruining my life. But I had allowed it. I had no one to blame but myself. And the most empowering thing was the realization that I no longer had to accept unacceptable behavior.

I tried to learn the Al-Anon ways. I bought the books, I tried to use the slogans (ie "Live and Let Live," "Keep It Simple," "Easy Does It," etc.). And sometimes that would help me to calm down. I ended up having TWO sponsors because I needed so much to fix this horrible mess my marriage had become. But every time I tried to change my behavior, he would come along and act like a jerk and knock my whole plan out of kilter. He turned everything around on me. No matter what I said, he tried to make me the guilty party. When I would threaten to leave, he would morph momentarily into the man I fell in love with, just long enough to make me feel bad for getting so angry at him. He was such a drain on my every resource that I finally started to fall apart physically. I even had to have major surgery last year, shortly before I left him, due to poor diet and high stress. In my haste to get married and feel "secure," I rushed into a marriage with a man who had no consideration for me whatsoever. I would cry to him that he wasn't helping me, and he would do some minimal thing to help and expect grand kudos for it. The minute I thanked him, he would stop helping, as he had gotten recognition for that minute thing he did. He never helped me financially. In fact, he was always draining me of every penny. He was also constantly accusing me of cheating on him. If I was gone to the grocery store for ten minutes too long, in his mind, it was because I was having an affair,. I saw his father treat his mother the same way. My cell phone was always ringing when I was away from him with calls from him wanting to know where I was, where I was going, when I was coming back, etc. I was beginning to think maybe HE was the one doing the cheating, since I was getting accused of it every day.

I felt very trapped. We lived in a house that belonged to his grandmother. They stuck her in a nursing home because she had alzheimer's, and that is when my husband took control of the house. Actually, his MOTHER had power of attorney over the house. So not only was I trapped living in this house with a man who didn't do anything for me, I had to follow all of their rules (ie no dogs, can't park in the grass, etc.). The trapped feeling was suffocating me to the point of depression.

I started taking anti-depressants and attending sessions with an LCSW and a life coach. I had also been to counseling with him at the local women's center, which surprisingly enough seemed to backfire on me, as I appeared to be the ranting shrew, once again, because I was so sick of being kept up all night and harrassed that I was downright indignant. When I had originally gone in there for help, I had even fallen asleep on their couch after being up all night.

Except for that counselor (although I really don't know what her opinion was because I stopped going with him to counseling when he started using it against me--acting different in front of the counselor and playing like he was the victim in our relationship while I ranted and tried to get him to act like he had been acting!), EVERYONE else I went to, including a psychiatrist and a multitude of counselors prior to the LCSW and the life coach, said I should leave him. It took me ten years in an on and off relationship with that man to realize that it isn't worth it. It is not worth my children seeing fighting and seeing Mommy cry and seeing Daddy drunk and yelling at Mommy in the middle of the night to the point that they are yelling, "STOP FIGHTING!!!'

I just saw no way out. I had no money. I was dependent on the man. The only things other than my personal credit cards (we kept everything separate, which made him mad, but I could see from the beginning that he was irresponsible with money and I didn't want to have overdrawn accounts because of his lack of common sense) that I paid were clothes and shoes for the kids, gas in my car, my cell phones, the life insurance, my student loans, my auto insurance and groceries. Groceries was a pretty hefty bill. My student loans were pretty hefty, too.

Then, with the help of my life coach and many other people I had gathered into a support group, many of whom had been friends of mine before I married him that backed away until I voiced a need to leave him, I planned an escape. But I didn't plan anything until it was obvious that he was never going to change, and I was sure that even if he DID stop drinking, I would not be happy with the way he treated me.

I shoved money into a safety deposit box for two years. It took a lot to get used to doing without some of the money I made, but my sanity depended on it. He would hound me for money, but I stuck to my guns, and I am so glad I did now.

Finally, I left him. It took more courage than I ever thought I could have. And we are still married, but I am no longer stuck in that house that is not mine. This house is a rental, but it is MY rental, and if I want to park on the grass or get a dog, I WILL.

One thing I learned from having a life coach is how to make the best of what you have to work with. You have more resources and a larger support group and more strength deep inside of you than you ever thought possible. You just have to find the way that is right for you.

I love that song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," because the lyrics seem to fit my whole life, really. And the author of those lyrics is right, there are a lot more ways than you think. No matter what the circumstances. Never lose hope.