TRUST - What it IS and what it isn't.
73Magic symbol for Trust
TRUST
The basic principles of Trust. Most people don't really know what these 4 components are and I am going to tell you. The illusion of trust is easily shattered, but if you have an honest to goodness real guide to go by, there can be no more illusion; there can be no more doubt.
It is really this simple - Here are the four components of trust and what it Means:
- Competent - Is the person your are putting your trust in competent? What does *competent* mean? It means that the person does what they say they are going to do most of the time. Of course, life being life, shit happens, but aside from accidents and unforeseen events--this person does what they say they are going to and THEY DON'T FORGET. (Unless they really have a mental problem which lends toward forgetting-don't be schmoozed.) If this person is Constantly forgetting - pick up the dry cleaning, bring home the milk, says they'll be home in an hour and comes home 4 hours late - the list is, of course ENDLESS. This is NOT a competent person and this is a breach of trust.
- Consistency - Is the person you are trusting consistent? What does consistent mean? It's simple. Do their words and their actions MATCH UP? If they do not match up; they are not consistent. If they say one thing and do another; this is a breach of trust.
- Honesty - No Bullshit. Is this person your are trusting Honest? Or do they lie to you? It doesn't matter at all WHY they lie, if they are lieing to you - this is a breach of trust.
- Benevolance - Is this person you trust benevelant towards you? What does that mean? It means that YOUR well-being is a Huge consideration for them. Are they KIND to you? If your well-being is not a consideration to them, this is a breach of trust (and re-read 1,2 and 3).
These are the 4 main components of trust. They are essential. They are non- negotiable.
In fact, why would you want to negotiate them? Are these not the very things that YOU do if You wish to earn someones trust? Because trust must be earned. It doesn't just *happen* like lust or winter; Trust has to be earned and it also has to be maintained.
Harsh? Maybe - No one among us is Perfect. So, if you (or they) screw up on occasion, that is human! What do you do when you screw up? OWN IT. Don't try and pretend it didn't happen or make a bunch of dumb excuses, just own it! Say you are sorry, maybe explain and MEAN IT. Then, get over it.
So...what trust is NOT is the lack of the above components. Pretty simple.
One other note here before I sign off on this - When you are getting to know someone and probably trying to earn trust - Do Not Emotionally Barf on them! Not only is it *way too much information* - it is also very dangerous to you.
Don't give people the emotional ammunition to hurt you. If there are things in your past that have nothing to do with your relationship with this person; then don't barf it on them.
Discourse on Feelings....
Somehow this hub has turned into a bit of a fun discourse on the topic of :
FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS.
Please feel free to jump in any time - just play nice!~ :}
Trust
Before I read this Hub...
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Comments
Awesome explanation of what 'trust' is and how to learn how to do it correctly. I often go on gut feeling but I guess the components you describe so well are included in my gut feeling without even knowing it. Thanks for the clear and concise explaination. This is truly 'green' :)
Thank you so much palmer and queenbe :}
It seems SO important to me to be able to define trust...among other things...
I'm doing FEAR next :}
Actually, I think I should take the time to put together all my hubs of this type and I can be the Dr. Ruth of the Hub! ROTFL!!
hi,
Good information. Thanks for sharing.
hey girl.....thanx for sharing! Good hub.....GPAGE
That was very straightforward and to the point! Thumbs up!
Thanks Aya - thanks everybody.
I feel validated :}
As for putting it *green* - what does that mean?
Seen a lean green mean bean machine, Jean? tee hee
Thought-provoking hub. It would be interesting to explore the relationship between feelings and action. Are people responsible for feelings, or do they experience them, like the weather? And if feelings one has might be hurtful to someone, even though that person doesn't act on them, is it okay to "lie" about what one is "thinking"?
Again, interesting stuff. Well done.
Dear Philip - THIS would also require 20 cups of coffee and hours of discourse. Here is a thought - Feelings are NOT Facts.
And yes, we ARE responsible for our own feelings.
I am not quite following the lie part...?
Check this out - I still need to answer gab.
You've opened a philosophical can of worms with that one. Feelings are not facts? What are they, then? Are they 'experiences'? Do I 'experience' grief, anger, etc.?
Are they 'experiences'? Do I 'experience' grief, anger, etc.?
YES! The is it exactly! YOU GET TO CHOOSE how YOU will FEEL about ANY given situation.
We choose feelings?
So you are suggesting that we have a choice in how we feel. But doesn't that just mean we are the kind of person who 'would choose' that way to feel? This goes on back to infinity. Can a thing be the cause of ITSELF? That is what your statement implies. (not arguing, but engaging you).
Bring the coffee!
Oh, but let's start with the most basic question of all. Who are you? Are you your feelings, mind, body? Are you the "I" thought? I know this is abstract, but it's worth thinking about. Who or what experiences the "I" thought? If you say "I" do, then I have to ask again, "who or what experiences THAT 'I' thought"?
(Most people do not really want to think about these things.)
How can you BE that which you EXPERIENCE?
(You can call me a flake now----smile)
Great hub, but even more fascinating is the discourse you have generated... Good job!
Philip - I will answer your question - I promise.
But it IS TRUE.
That's a very a priori statement. Interested to hear the underlying structure, if there is one.
Thanks Dink :}
I think the discourse is the best part!!
Philip - You ARE the sum total of your experiences. But that does not mean feelings are facts. A fact is a fact; as in an unchangeable truth so to speak; dictionary, blaa blaa.
I will totally explain. Here is a start; I am working and have not much time. It is just a very simple start.
An event occurs in your life. You think about it.
You get to DECIDE how you are going to FEEL about it. You also get to decide how you are going to react to it or not react but act on it.
Say, for example, an old story made short. A little boy riding a horse one day falls off and is trampled and left crippled in his leg.
Everyone in the town says "OH, what a terrible tragidy! They are all so sad and they ask their *zen master* (or whatever)...How can this terrible thing have occurred to such an innocent young boy? Isn't it Terrible!
And the zen master says "we'll see."
10 years later the boy is working the farm and quite happy with his life. A war breaks out and all the men, young and old are called upon to fight in it. The war rages on and on and the mortal enemy kills nearly every man in the village.
But the boy - now a man, was not called upon to fight because he was crippled.
He lived on, enjoying a happy life filled with family and friends...
So...you tell me; the zen master will ALWAYS wait to see what happenes next - will say - "We'll see"...if an incident is to be felt in a certain way.
Because no one knows WHY many things happen to us. Or what the RESULT of these happenings will bring.
Today - I have cancer - I can CHOOSE to feel good or I can choose to feel badly and sorry for myself - but what good would the later do?
Husband left - boo hoo? 10 years later, re-married awesome man. See ex at an event and he is a total wreck, a shadow of a man....perhaps pity for him is felt where once great anger had been.
Who did the ANGER hurt? Not him, it hurt only ME.
Am I getting to you?
I'm at my office, but I couldn't resist checking this thread. (well, I could, but I chose not to?) I want to give this proper attention, and this iPhone is a drag to type on, anyway. Give me a day or so. My initial thought is that this is remenscent of the self-help classic, "As a Man Thinketh". More later.
Never heard of as a man think-eth...but here is a really super simple explanation.
Everyday - my *feelings* change multiple times. I would venture to say some days nearing 100 (I AM a woman after all ;} )
A Fact, DOES NOT.
But the experience of those feelings was a fact. Subjective, accessible to you only, but a fact nevertheless.
"everyone needs a secret life" is a concept from a famous poem by Stephen Dunn. I'll paste it here:
A Secret Life
Why you need to have one
is not much more mysterious than
why you don't say what you think
at the birth of an ugly baby.
Or, you've just made love
and feel you'd rather have been
in a dark booth where your partner
was nodding, whispering yes, yes,
you're brilliant. The secret life
begins early, is kept alive
by all that's unpopular
in you, all that you know
a Baptist, say, or some other
accountant would object to.
It becomes what you'd most protect
if the government said you can protect
one thing, all else is ours.
When you write late at night
it's like a small fire
in a clearing, it's what
radiates and what can hurt
if you get too close to it.
It's why your silence is a kind of truth.
Even when you speak to your best friend,
the one who'll never betray you,
you always leave out one thing;
a secret life is that important.
But let's get back to some of the very basic questions. (Again, in the spirit of engagement.) Do we agree that we all EXPERIENCE feelings? (Even though they are not FACTS, as you say?)
Okay, I have to get my bike and gear ready for a morning ride. I'll check back later, or tomorrow.
palmerlarryray says:
5 weeks ago
Great hub. Thanks for sharing.