Taking a stand against abuse
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I was abused. I was married to an abusive husband for seven years. I had two children with this husband. I got out. Now, obviously it took me seven years and a trip to the emergency room, but I got out.
I am not going to sit here and write telling you what you already know. The jibberish about how you know you are better than this, that you do need this in your life and that with the help out there, I can not see why you stay with this person.
I know why you have not gotten out. I know why you stay with this person and I also know why you are irritated when you hear people say that you can just leave. You can not just leave. I know, and I know you know what I mean.
But, I am living proof that there is life after this and you need to plan. Plan for the day of freedom. Not just for you, but for your kids. I will give you tips on how to plan to leave your abusive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/or other.
- Start saving money, I am not kidding. Save that five dollars that you did not put in your gas tank, save that fifty cents that you did not pay for that gallon of milk. I am not kidding. Save it someplace safe and I do not mean in a jar in the kitchen or in your sock drawer. I mean take a jar and put the money in, then bury it in the back yard or in your flower garden or in the flower box.
- Find an old suitcase or duffle bag. Take two sets of clothes for each person you are leaving with - only two. You need to travel light. Hide the duffle bag or suitcase at a friends or in the basement - someplace safe.
- Start slowly going over a friends/relatives someplace for a couple of hours - regularly. This is when the time comes you will not be missed until you have already gone.
- Contact your local domestic violence prevention center. You can go to your local police station, call your court houses - just tell them the number is for a friend. Keep that number with you at all times.
- Get a cellphone or a prepaid phone. You will need this when you decide to get away. If you can not get one secretly - tell your spouse it is so he/she can get ahold of you whenever they want too. They will fall for it every time. Then when you get the phone, shut off the GPS activation on your phone so your phone can not be traced. If you do not know how to do it, seek out a cellphone seller. They will help you.
- Find a place where you can hide out that is safe. If you do not think that safe houses will keep him at bay, then find a relative or a friend he/she does not know about.
- Then wait. You will know when the time is - trust me. Just be prepared, get your money saved. This will not happen overnight. This will happen over time. Then when the time is right, he/she leaves or you know your time has run out, unbury your money, put your duffel bag in the car and take the kids to your routine friends/relatives house.
- Take off slowly and calmly, take your cell phone out when you are a safe distance from home and call the domestic prevention center - tell them your coming.
- Fill out all the forms and they will give you safety plans. Follow them to the letter.
- You are now on your way - to life.
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Comments
As you start your life afresh, may God give you the strength and courage for each day. May many open doors and blessings come your way. One day at a time...... Good Luck
Great advice. Having a plan is so important. You didn't mention anything about an attorney, but I would add that to the list--at least talk to one in advance. I know, but during one of those two hour away-from-home trials, make that visit to an attorney's office and tell the attorney what you are planning and why.
Sometimes (sometimes?) abusive men hold financial threats over their wives heads--personal debt, business debt, all kinds of monetary threats--the woman is made to feel she can't get out but that's usually not true.
My ex owed a 5-figure back tax bill from him business and I stayed a year past when I was ready to leave because he kept telling me I had to pay that. I finally got the courage to talk to an attorney and it wasn't true. It wasn't easy to get out, I started over with nothing, I mean NOTHING, but within a year I had a good job and a new life and a divorce. So it can be done. Thanks for the hub. Good luck.
This is great WW and a must for everybody in an abusive relationship to bookmark. I did exactly what you advised, and followed all those steps 10 years ago. Only, I traveled under assumed names and we hid out in a Salvation Army Family Crisis Centre for three months in another city. We went from being the lowest of the low to now leading a normal expat life. The story of our escape and rise out of the mess is written as 'fiction' in my book Stop the world, I need to pee.
Cindyvine, good for you. Keep the faith.
pgrundy, true about the attorney. However, the Monadonock Domestic Violence Center hired an attorney for me and paid for my divorce themselves. They also guided me to a program through the Federal Government that will give you a one time relocation allotment. This will pay 6 months of rent, utilites, etc for you to become relocated and safe. I recommend anyone that is in any type of abusive relationship to keep that number handy. They were detrimental in my escape. Yes, you read right. My children and I had to escape. I also lost everything, but what I could put in three vehicles. Everything else was lost. However, three years later, I have a job, my children and met a wonderful man that understands and is seeing me through my PTSD brought on my the abuse. Now, I recommend everyone getting out of this type of relationship NOT to get remarried. However, this was an unusual situation that brought us to be married. We are very happy and now I understand what a marriage should be like. I thank him everyday.
LadyE, thank you and continue to pray for us that have been prayed on. I appreciate your comments. Thank you.
Mighty Mom, I pray that those who are in need of this hub, comes upon it in time. I just hope and pray for all.
It is this reason why I ended my freelance writing career. I was unable to work creatively until I had my life and my children's life back. Now, after a three year sabbatical, I pray I can start back on the life I love the most. Until then, I try to give back to the community that accepted me and my boy back, by being an License Nursing Assistant at our local nursing home. They as well as my family give me strength to carry on.
Thank you all for your comments. I hope that this can help many.
I am glad you were able to leave him behind and move on. No one should ever have to put up with that. Especially from someone that is supposed to love them.
Yes, Jim10. It kind of screws up the whole thing doesn't it. I knew someone that said to me from her experience,"It is hard to sleep when the person you share a bed with wants to kill you." It was in response to what my now ex told the courts he wanted to do to me for well over a year prior to the last attack. Would you believe that he only served 29 days in jail for this...
Very level headed, well laid out plan that any abused person can follow and feel secure about. Take pride in your accomplishment, and keep moving forward. It is time for you to be the bictor in your tragedy.
Thanks, Sparkle Chi, I just hope that others will take this and do the move.
This is a very uplifting hub. At first I was sad that this happens so often, but I see you have a good exit plan here, and that makes me feel better.
I am glad you had such an emotion attached to this hub. :)
Mighty Mom says:
7 months ago
Dear WittyWriter, I am honored to be the first here to comment. First, your practical advice is excellent. In order to be able to make that break it is essential to have a plan in place. If you "just go" during one of his (or her) rampages you will not be thinking clearly and the decision will be too emotional and not rational. And thus will be subject to fail. And you may not get a second chance.
Second, the opening sentences of this hub say it all. Domestic violence is one of those things that either you "get it" or you don't. "Why doesn't she just leave?" "You know you're better than this." It is NOT that simple!
Good for you for getting out. I hope you remain safe and that your kids are able to heal, also. And thanks for writing this hub. I know it will help others. In fact, I can think of at least one hubber who I hope will read this ASAP!