Tales from a taxi was originally written when I was driving a taxi. It has now been over a year since I have driven a taxi for a living {as of September 2009}, but have decided to add all the extra content now simply for entertainment value.

I drive a taxi here in Brisbane. I will try to tell a few tales of the things that happen in a taxi operating in a major city in Australia, so kick back, relax, & smile.

I started driving a taxi about 20 months ago. I honestly thought that I had pretty much seen it all and that I was reasonably broad minded. After all, I had served almost 15 years in the Australian Army and seen a hell of a lot in that time. Boy was I wrong.

I start my shift at 4pm, and work through till 4am. I do get to see the best and the worst of human kind. Some of the areas that I work in are known as being somewhat less than nice. I get drunks {not usually too much of a problem} junkies, crossdressers, transexuals, tranvestites, gays, lesbians, homophobics, business people, shift workers, bar workers, and any combination of all of the above that you can possibly think of.

I have been offered alternative means of payment of the fare by both men and women, and these methods of payment range from a cell phone, upto and including sexual favours. I tend to refuse these, on the basis that although possibly very nice, they do not pay my bills, nor do they feed me.

Having said all of that, I have also met some very good contacts that have enabled myself and Phil to build our company better . It was a passenger in my car who put me onto the manufacturer that we are now utilising. It was a passenger in Phils car who mentioned anti ageing / wrinkle products. It was a passenger who put us in contact with a very good accountant. Needless to say, we are now avid collectors of business cards.

Keep an eye on this blog, I shall update every Monday. It will be Monday, because most of the really interesting {and bloody funny} stuff happens on the weekends.

Monday 5 November 2007

Well that was an interesting week. I had a few interesting people in the car over the week, but not as much as normal. The other drivers have found the same thing. We have put this down to a few factors. Mainly being that there are no university students out and about at the moment due to it being their exam time. Add this to the fact that there is no horse racing because of the equine flu, and a federal election due in a few weeks, and there a lot less people doing the big night out.

One of the other drivers was offered sex by his passenger if he would massage her feet & not charge her the fare. He declined, saying that it would not feed his wife and children, and not only that but her feet stink. We laughed when he told us.

I had 4 poofs in the car, the three in the back were telling the one in the front about there conquest of one of the local police officers. Apparently he has a fetish with handcuffs, I'll leave the rest of the conversation to your imagination. I happen to know the police officer in question, and I must say I look at him a little differently these days.

On a personal note, I have nothing against homosexuality {as long as they do not try it on me}, I have some good friends that are gay, and have no problem with that. See, said I was broad minded.

I was parked at the taxi area at the Sofitel, patiently waiting for the doorman to call me over for a fare. The car ahead of me got called over, and then I got called over. I was a little concerned, as I noticed that the car that was ahead of me was leaving with no passenger, they were standing talking with the concierge.

As it turned out, the passengers were the ones that were being cautious. The previous driver did not know where Manly is, and they did not want to pay for him to learn. Because he did not even know in which general direction to start heading, I was given the passengers. Now this is a good fare. He missed out on a fare that was $60.00, plus tip, and being that they were from the good ol' USA, they tip very well indeed!!.

I did a few local jobs in that area , then made my way back to where I began. That turned out to be a great idea because I got there about 5 minutes prior to the mandatory check out time. I got a fare to the airport. Now this gent was very interesting. When I asked him "What do you do?", he tells me he helps people retire early. That got my attention. Then he tells me that he earnt $30,000.00 last month. He has really got my attention now. Well, he was on his way to New Zealand for a week or so. We swapped email addresses etc, and I am interested to learn a little more. I will let you all know more as soon as I do.

The final fare of the week was totally hopelessly drunk. He got into the car {actually, I think it would be more accurate to say that he poured himself into the car}, and said "driver, take me home". I said, "certainly sir, where is your home?" To which he answers, "Ah you know, it's near the station". Oh god thinks I, which bloody station is this fool on about. "Yes sir, which station is that?" I say. He comes back with " The one near the Railway Hotel mate". For those of you not familiar with Australian cities, it seems as if every second railway station has a pub nearby called the railway hotel, so as you can imagine, this information did not help me one bit. "Can you give me a station or suburb name sir?" The conversation {and I use that term very loosly, simply to let you know that we were both speaking} started to go in some never ending circles for a while. The big trick to this is get them talking about the landmarks nearby, and hopefully it will trigger my memory, and I can figure out where the hell they want to go. I eventually got it figured, and took the drunk home, there he paid me {short $1} , and I got out of there.

The average taxi driver is fluent in English, and Drunkenese. There are also several versions of Drunkenese, depending on the country of origin of the person who is attempting to speak.

Always up for a challenge. See what happens this week, should be entertaining, the Melbourne Cup Races are on, any excuse for a drink.

Monday 12 November 2007

There is never a dull moment when driving a taxi for a living. You get to meet all sorts of people, who have many and various different views on life. I must say that since I have been driving, I've lost some of my faith in the basic goodness of people, & humanity in general. I've discovered that the average person turns into a total idiot when they have had some booze.

The average person has little or no regard for the driver who is simply trying to do a job to the best of his/her ability. They tend to treat us as second rate citizens, with little or no education or intelligence. They will insult us at the drop of a hat, and rip us off even quicker. The violence inflicted upon the average cabbie { both verbal & physical} has to be seen to be believed. That is my whinge over with, now onto the amusing stuff.

The first Tuesday in November is the day of The Melbourne Cup, The race that stops a nation. For those not understanding, It is the premier horse racing event in Australia. The race is run at about 2pm, so most workplaces have a late lunch, then shut down for the day, with everybody going to the nearest track, bar, anywhere there is a TV where they can watch the race. Most people also place bets, just on this one race. Most people also drink just a little too much.

One of my first fares of the day was a gent who had done quite well. He had won about $25,000, not bad for what he admitted was a hunch & a last minute bet. The next fare had not done so well, he had lost $380, and then complained about it all the way. Hey, if you are not prepared to lose it, do not bet it. They do not call it gambling for nothing.

Later in the evening I picked up a couple that had not placed any bets, but had done a lot of drinking anyway. Quite pleasant people, but the speech was well and truly slurred. Took a bit to try to figure out what it was that they were saying. I eventually got the drift of what they were on about , and off we went. Dropped the gent home first, then started to make my way to the address given to me by the lady.

As we were making our way, she asked if it would be possible to stop at a shop where she could buy some more smokes. That's no problem at all, we had to go right past one on the main route to the address she gave me. As we pull up in the parking lot she lets rip with a fart that I would have been proud of. Not a word was said, total silence. Then a quiet mumble, “that might be a bit gross”. Then gets out of the car, saying that she would be back in a minute, then shut the door. My god, I could hardly breath. There was something seriously wrong with this womans insides, something was dead in there. Did I mention that it was raining, and raining rather heavily, opening the window was just not an option. True to her word, she was quickly back, I took her to her home which was quite close and dropped her off. I then drove to the nearest service station with a covered forecourt and wound down the windows, spraying my antiperspirant throughout the car, it was really bad.

The next fare was very entertaining for me. I went to the address I had been given, a few minutes later three young blokes came out and got in, telling me they wanted to go to one of the local night clubs a very short distance away. No problem with that at all, it was raining after all. I had a thumping headache, and had just taken a panadol to try to ease it. One of the young blokes leans over the seat & turns the music way up! At this stage we had not even moved 100 yards. I turned it down straight away, then calmly and politely informed them that I had a thumping headache, and would they mind if we kept it down, at the same time thinking to myself “ you arrogant turd, you did not even ask, just help yourself.”

The other two passengers were very nice about it saying that it was not a problem, after all they were only going down the street. Mr Obnoxious was a different story. He started to complain bitterly in a very abusive manner, saying that they were paying, and expect to be able to play the radio on whatever station, at any volume he desired. His attitude was really beginning to get to me, & we had only traveled 200 yards. Then he calmly leans forward and says “Don't you want to get paid.” Bloody hell, it is not like his fare was going to be the best of the week, and I certainly was not that hungry that I needed his $8 fare. I quickly weighed up my options then replied. “Do you want to get out? Sir, you have a choice, you can sit and behave, & I will have you at the club in a few minutes, or you can get out now. The choice is yours.”

The other two passengers were very nice, and were appologising for there friends attitude, the excuse being that he had had a little too much to drink { now there's a surprise}, but the obnoxious one was addament, there was no way he was staying in this car, and he was not going to pay either. As he got out, he was still abusing me, and calling me all sorts of names. Just before I drove away, I informed him that it was me in the dry car, and him in the rain, so who really was the F***ing idiot, his friends started laughing at him. I laughed as I drove off.

Thursday evening I picked up two young ladies from the night club area. They got in, gave me the address where they wanted to go, then continued with there conversation that I assume they were having prior to getting in the car. One of the things that amazes me about people in cabs, they have conversations, and seem to think the driver can't hear them.

It seems that they had met some U.S. Army men, and were wanting to get together with them again. The Brunette was saying that she was desperately horny, and would shag anything at the moment. They continued the discussion along these lines for a while, getting very descr i ptive about what they were going to do with them next time. Then the desperately horny one says “What was his name again?” That is when I lost control and started laughing.

They were surprised that I was listening {My god, it's a car, not central park, of course I can hear!}. After chatting for a while, I asked why they were wanting the U.S soldiers in particular, when there were plenty of locals who would be only too happy to help them. The reply was more than a little surprising. “ Oh, the locals will expect some sort of commitment, or want to meet again at a later time. With these boys we know that in a couple of days they will be gone, and we will never see them again.”

Go figure, it is a strange world that we live in folks. Until next week, live well & enjoy life.

Monday 19 November 2007

Ah, we humans are a strange breed indeed. The best part about this fact, is that it keeps me { and many others } amused. So many people say things to taxi drivers that they would not normally tell their friends, I think it is because we do not know them, and the chances of us meeting them again are very low. They also do things that they probably would not normally do, take the other night for example.

I was at a rank in the city area, and this couple came down the street. It was very obvious that they had both had a few drinks & been having a good night. They were not totally trashed, but they were certainly in no fit state to drive, which is why they were getting a taxi. They got in the car and the gent gave me an address on the south side they needed to go to.

As we were traveling there, he was explaining to the lady where they we were, and pointing out various landmarks. He was being quite pleasant, it was obvious that they had not known each other for very long, but that they were familiar with each other for a while, if you know what I mean. She seemed to be nice enough also. Then she lets loose with a bombshell that was not nice at all. She says “Pete, I can't see you anymore. I am not coming home with you, & you will have to give the driver enough money to take me home after you get out at your home”.

My god thinks I, that is a bloody rough way to get dumped. Pete was very good about it and just acknowledged that he had heard and understood. Then she comes out with another one, “Pete I should tell you, I will not be seeing you again, I have a boyfriend” Bloody hell, this woman does not believe in doing things in half measures. Pete was trying not to create any sort of scene, and simply said that he would call her later and chat about it when they were both more sober {there is a sensible thought}. Now she just starts to repeat herself again, I am feeling really embarrassed for poor Pete.

We get to the address where Pete is getting out. He pays me, and also gives me enough cash to cover her fare to an address on the North side of town. She gets out to say goodbye to him while I just sit and wait. She gets back in and we start to drive off, as we do she says “Can we stop around the corner, I really need a cigarette?” I agreed, we drove down the street, & went around the corner. I spotted a good place to park near an intersection, very well lit with street lights, and apartment buildings on both sides with lights on in their windows. There is a very good reason for this, the ladies feel more safe if it is done this way, & so do I . Nobody can make false claims against me if it is done this way.

We get out & both light a smoke, this is when I first take a look at this kid. She was actually quite an attractive kid, and the clothes that she was almost wearing showed of her assets very well indeed. A short midriff top and a very short skirt that was only just covering her butt. She stepped over to me, put her arms around me and says “I'm a really bad girl, do you want to be bad with me?” My instant reaction was to pull away at the same time I'm saying that I did not think that would be a very good idea. Then she informs me that she needs to go to the ladies. I suggest to her to finish her smoke and that there is a place up the road where she can go. She tells me there is no need for that, and hands me her cigarette. With that she hikes up her skirt { it did not need a lot of encouragement}, squats down, pulls the G string to one side & pees on the sidewalk.

I am absolutely speechless, to say nothing of not knowing where to look. I noticed that it was a really nice night and the stars were really pretty. I also noticed that it was a full moon, maybe that has something to do with it. She finished what she had to do and stood up as if it happened all the time. “So, are you going to take me to a hotel?” No, I will take you to the address that you gave me earlier. We finish our smokes, and get in the car. She is drunk enough that she says she needs help to get the seatbelt on. She is making sure that I am getting a good look at what I am not getting, and I am trying very hard to look everywhere else.

As we drive along I am making light conversation with her, and get a bit of her life story. Married too young {she is now only 22} to a bloke that would beat her, now divorced and trying to enjoy life, and find some real love. I sort of felt a bit sorry for her, but at the same time I could sort of understand how she got into the mess in the first place. She made me an offer of a cup of tea when we get to her home. As she was starting to sober up, she seemed half decent. Still, I politely refused the offer as I needed to make some money.

As we got to the address I stopped the meter,looked at the total, & realized that my estimate that I had given to Pete was spot on, it was 10 cents short. Not bad at all I thought, congratulating myself. She leans over and hands me $20. “What is this for?” “Thats your tip darling.” “No, Pete already paid me, you do not need to give me a tip.” “When I got out of the car to say goodbye to Pete, I told him to give me some more money in case the fare got big. This is Pete's money, I am never going to see him again, so you may as well have it.” My god, I am amazed, what a b***h. She has just taken this man for $70 in taxi fares.

Now comes the bit that left me dumbfounded. “Are you sure you don't want to come up? Bill will not mind.” “Who is Bill?” “Bill is my boyfriend, he is waiting inside for me!” I took my $20 tip and got out of there.

Until next week, I shall leave you all to ponder the strangeness of humanity.

Sunday. December 30. 2007.

Ah yes, it has been several weeks since I last posted on this blog. I have no real excuse, only reasons, and none of them are really good enough. Suffice to say, that this really is a insane period of the year for those of us associated with the public.

The silly season started with the end of Schoolies Week. Now I am not sure what this is called in other parts of the world, but I am sure that you all have them. It is that week where all of the school leavers decide to descend onto a part of the country, then wreck havoc for a week or so. They drink disgusting amounts of booze, take lots of drugs, and quite often end up in hospital. This is where little Johnnies [ or Jane ] mummy and daddy then defend them saying that they are letting their hair down after all those years of study. Until the child dies, then the tune is different again. We hear the same thing year in, year out.

Had a young lady in the car one afternoon. She informed me that she was retuning home after having been to the coast for a couple of nights. She must have noticed my look of I really do not care, so informed me that she was one of the sensible ones. I was still dubious, then she started telling me a few things. The one that really got me was this. She had been at school with these other girls since they were 4 years old. They were now 17. These other girls had a few drinks , then started to lift there tops to show the public their breasts. As this young lady said, I have known these girls for years and never seen their breasts, now here they are showing them to anybody and everybody, I do not understand. Well, quite frankly my dear, I do not understand either, but god bless 'em for being this way.

As Christmas gets closer, the clientèle get drunker. This is not so bad, as long as you are capable of dealing with them. Most of them are really happy, but a few are obnoxious. The work Christmas party functions are the majority, and this lot are usually OK. Some of them are bloody hilarious. Especially when they start talking about who is having an affair with who etc.

Then there was the two ladies [ I use this term to describe the fact that they were female] who were as rough as guts. To cut a long story short, they wanted me to take them to a massage palour. I decided to try to find out exactly what type of massage they required. I need not have bothered being tactful. The really hefty one in the front says , Look darl' I'm horny OK, lets fix the situation. I then had to inform them that there was no service like this in this city at this hour of the evening without a prior appointment. To the best of my knowledge. They then started to abuse me.

Then they started to ask me where was the best place to go for breakfast in the area. I told them the area of cafes where I had picked them up was as good as any, either that, or travel into the city. They then gave me more abuse for not knowing this either. Fair dinkum, not only am I expected to know the where abouts for them to get a feed, but they also need to get laid. They abuse me! As they got out, the abuse was still coming, so I told them that I had been doing this for over 2 years, and had never been required to take 2 old boilers out to get laid. Maybe they should check the local paper. They threatened to report me, and I asked them to please do so, I would love to hear what the boss would say their side of the story was. I have not heard a word yet.

I am looking forward to the New Year with some trepidation.