People of all ages can have tantrums. Two year olds seem to specialize in this behaviour, but teenagers are pretty good at it as well. And, unfortunately, there are plenty of adults who still have tantrums when things don't go their way!

Parents who have tantrums will have trouble helping their kids to grow out of this unpleasant behaviour. A tantrum (in case you're not sure if you have them) is a fit of rage - usually loud - involving the full body (flailing hands, stamping feet, moving, pounding, pushing and so on) and lots of emotion. A person of any age who has a tantrum looks like he or she is out of control, has "lost it" or is otherwise temporarily insane.

The tendency to tantrum is innate. However, the tendency to continue to tantrum is learned. Although most kids stop having tantrums as their verbal skills improve, many need parental assistance. Kids who continue to tantrum into their teens do so either because they are suffering from a mental or physical illness that leads to uncontrollable rage or - more commonly - because their parents haven't educated them out of this really bad habit.

Little kids tantrum when they are frustrated. Toddlers often lack the language skills that enable them to get what they want. Their upset.can blossom into a full blown tantrum.

Most parents have had the embarrassing experience of shopping with a small child who has a tantrum. Kids this age don't really care where they are when they have a tantrum; they have no personal sense of embarrassment about their behaviour. It is Mom and Dad who will be red in the face when their little one shrieks as if the world is coming to an end. "Oh, just buy him the candy already!" helpful shoppers will advise. Or they'll look at the family with suspicion, wondering what form of abuse these terrible parents are heaping upon that innocent little baby. Or, sometimes they'll look on with pity ("I'm glad that isn't me...."). This last group consists largely of parents - people who've been there with their own kids. The first two reactions are more likely to come from folks who are not parents, or at least, not recently enough to remember what it's really like!). Nonetheless, it's really hard for parents to look cool and collected when their little one is purple, foaming at the mouth and emitting tortured screams. Imagine turning to the other horrified shoppers with a smile and explaining, "Oh, she does this all the time...it's nothing really." No, it's definitely not fun being with a raging toddler in public.

Since tantrums are designed to get attention (in the form of "DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I'LL KEEP SCREAMING LIKE THIS FOR A REAL LONG TIME!"), the key strategy is to refuse to give attention to them. Parents need to practice a stone-face, an impersonal, bored look. Now is the time to NOT SAY ANYTHING. All forms of attention should be quickly and quietly withdrawn. In public situations, the best thing is to scoop the child up (if that is physically possible) and take him to a private place (like back to the car, or to another room, or outside somewhere). This should be done without talking. Once settled in a more suitable location, the parent should get busy with a good book or an activity of some sort. Only when the child has stopped the tantrum, should the parent give him or her attention again. At that point, the attention can be very pleasant - talking, hugging, playing, offering toys or food or whatever. However, if the child begins the tantrum again, the parent should withdraw again.

If the child is too heavy to be moved to a more private location, the parent will have to wait with the child wherever they are or ask for help from a couple of other people to take the child to another place. If the child can't be moved, keep in mind that passerby's are passing by - they won't be suffering to long with the noise of your child. Other people who may be working all day in the place where your child is screaming have probably heard screaming children before and can probably cope for the 15 minutes it might take for your child to stop screaming. If yours can carry on for a half hour, I'm sure some of these people will be happy to help you carry him out of their work area!

If that tantrum is happening right at home, there is no need to move the child. Just turn your back on her and get involved in something else. If the child is safe in the room she is in, you can even walk in and out, just doing your own thing (you'll want to make sure she's O.K.) Again, give pleasant attention as soon as the tantrum stops.

Children and teens who tantrum need a different kind of help. Responding coolly and calmly during the fit is still essential. However, after a tantrum has occurred the youngster needs to know that there is a cost. Parents should set up a penalty system before the next tantrum. They can say, "from now on, when you have a tantrum like the one you just had, such & such will happen (i.e. you will lose computer privileges for a day, you will go to bed early, you will have to write out lines - parents should pick one consequence and try it on three different occasions, changing it if it doesn't seem to be reducing the frequency of tantrums.)

Parents can help prevent older kids from having a tantrum by teaching them to be aware of their own signs of frustration. "Your voice is getting louder - are you feeling frustrated right now?" "I can see you're upset - you're clenching your jaw and getting all agitated; why don't we take a break from this discussion to calm down and try it again in 15 minutes." "How about just sitting down for a few minutes?" "A big glass of water can help right now." "What about taking a break for some fun and trying this again later."

Some kids are more prone to tantrums than others. They will need more guidance and more learning time. However, they can overcome the tendency to rage. Sometimes they will benefit from professional counselling. Sometimes naturopathic treatments can help. Sometimes medical intervention will be useful. With perseverance, tantrums can be eliminated and should be - people who don't tantrum have better relationships than people who do! All parents should help their kids overcome tantrums to enjoy a better life.