Teens and Cigarettes
70Oh No! They're Smoking!
Introduction: Teen smoking problems are not easy to solve. Again, as with most problems with our children, we need to examine our choice of approach and our own attitudes and behaviors. Of course, the best cure is prevention. Early childhood education and on-going teaching about the dangers of smoking far outweigh any consequences you can give to a teen who's smoking.
Consequences for Teens Who Smoke
If you can consequence a teen out of smoking, please let me know, because after 250 kids in my home, I've never seen it happen.
I administered consequences for teens who smoked and never did I ever succeed with it. They just got sneakier, and I was constantly worried about fire in the home. Finally, when I began to see it as an addiction, and implemented a program of education about the dangers of smoking, and then set some rules for keeping it out of the house, we made a few inches of progress. Inches.
Teen Help
To give your teen help, start with YOU. Think. Why are we mad and upset? One reason might be that we don't want to be smoking smoke! We want our kids to be healthy, we don't want to breathe the second-hand smoke, and we hate for them to waste our/their money.
Forget about "because I told them not to do it." Duh, they are not impressed by that; they forgot that rule a long time ago!
When teaching parenting classes, I talked with many parents who just couldn't step past the "It's against my rules. I said no" attitude. I understood, as I felt the same way. But, we have to set that aside. Power battles are hard fought and seldom won. Smoking is not about US, as parents. It's about them fitting in and then it's about their addiction to tobacco. To really help them, get the smoking facts, do some research and step out of your anger over them breaking the rules.
Parenting Battles
Personally, I hate cigarettes. But, I loved my kids. I spoke to our Bishop at Church; we ended up on the same page. Keep the kid, lose the attitude.
We knew smoking was unhealthy. It will cause you to be weary when running, and not be able to walk without fainting. (ok, slight exaggeration.) I chose not to let this single issue split us apart.
Parents need to put themselves in the youth's place. Let's say, for instance, that the parent has a weight problem and they were told "Lose weight right now. Just lose it. Stop eating what you shouldn't eat and just lose the weight." Many people see over eating as the same "sin" against the body as "smoking."
Then, someone watched every bite you put in your mouth, and every step you didn't take, and every exercise you didn't participate in and gave you a report off and on, all day long, day after day, after day. Of course you wouldn't put up with it. Consequences for smoking don't work. Consequences for smoking in the house, or for leaving the butts all over the porch, have a better chance.
It's my suggestion to set some rules that might go something like this:
- I prefer you not to smoke.
- There will be no smoking in the house.
- I will not buy your cigarettes.
- You will now earn your own money because I will not buy your cigarettes, and if I give you money your addiction will cause you to purchase cigarettes.
Encourage them to read material on the dangers of smoking and have discussions regularly about what they've read, along with other talks on nutrition and good health.
Self-Control
View smoking as an addiction, encourage them to talk to you about it, give them educational material to read about smoking as a health risk, and continue to love your child. By that, I mean BE FRIENDLY. Keep the lines of communication open, and know that no cigarette is worth them avoiding time with their parents.
Be optimistic and be sneaky. Get your teens involved in some physical activity and they will see for themselves how the coughing, and being out of breath takes away from their enjoyment of the game. Sometimes, your best friend, is TIME.
For me, it was SAVE THE KID, throw away the cigarette attitude.
Result: My husband and I really had to struggle with this one. Why had they even started? We never smoked. Why did they? We hated cigarettes but tried to use wisdom and even inspiration. Guess what? The kids hated waking up coughing. The kids hated feeling tired. 2 sons quit smoking on their own, and one cut way back. They always felt our love. Sometimes, I must confess, my deep concern for them showed on my face. They would look into my eyes and say "Mom, I'm gonna quit. Really. I wish I had never started. You were right. Don't worry."
It was music to my ears, as it came from them, not my words, but theirs. As with any lesson in life, we pay for wisdom with the price of our own experience.
Light Up!
Dean Martin - My Teen Dream
Roger Miller & Johnny Cash
On the Light Side of Smoking
If there is a light side.
In Summary, remember: One has to see smoking as an education issue and a matter of personal choice, even an addiction. Provide information, but lovethe smoker. It's not worth ruining relationships over lighting up. Set a few rules, then hope people make healthy choices. It'll happen!
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Comments
Addiction is a powerful thing. Tho I am not addicted to cigarettes, I fail to exercise as I should, and have many other faults. Those faults keep me humble as I deal with the faults of my loved ones.
My addictions have me struggling as I love food and family and friends and feel overwhelmed with the losses of all of that in the last years. (All but the food...ha)
We just have to love them anyway and pray they will be able to overcome. My dad smoked for years and years, and I compromised by asking him to not ask me to run to the store for cigarettes, as I fulfilled his request to stop nagging him to quit.
He paid the price with a heart attack at 62. He lived to be 81 and did not smoke from age 62. I know your love for your son is powerful; sometimes parents have to look away - I'm there as well many times! I understand!! Thanks for reading and commenting!! =)
Marisue
Marisue....great article. You are absolutely right... punishment for any kind of addiction ( first hand experience with my son) does not work. Your suggestions for the boundaries and still being there are fabulous. That approach seems to work better than any.
lacy-I can tell you've been there. For parents who are on this journey, this advice makes sense. Some parents adhere to the "obey my rules" strictly and that of course is their right - I was just never successful at "speaking a rule" and having them obey it just because of that. LOL wish wish. thanks for stopping by!! Marisue
I really like you last sentence "we pay for wisdom with the price of our own experience." So true.
If you ever want a different way to express the same thought, Michel de Montaigne said, "We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom."
Michel de Montaigne said, "We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom." thanks John!!! That is a great thought and so very true...wisdom is only gained by personal experience....wow!! thanks again, as always, you lend addtional thought provoking comments!! Marisue
I started smoking when I was 17 because where I worked all the "ladies" did.Me and a friend both actually practiced in private so we wouldn't look like we didn't know how. Then when we were all out to dinner and they would have a smoke , we did. cough cough...Lasted for a few years..when I got pregnant cigs and coffee made me sick..so stopped both. 1/2 hour after the baby was born I was wanting a smoke..:o(
Although I did smoke secretly for around 5 years I did quit...but when I was suspecting my oldest daughter of smoking, something funny happened...She walked in the front door and I could smell smoke.."Have you been smoking/" I asked. "No !" "Why?'" I said "let me see your pockets" she turned them inside out...we went through everything but her socks...well years later when we were discussing this scene she told me they were in her socks..not that her smoking was funny
Just that they can be very sneaky and seem very truthful...she said her friends had been and that was why she smelled..and since I couldn't find them I believed her. She still smokes...Everyone makes their own choices..there is plenty of good information everywhere...but when you choose to ignore...you pay...
You always write very wonderful hubs..Thank You G-Ma :o) hugs
G-ma thank you for sharing your experience...so true. We choose, I wish I had the cure -- I'd be a millionaire and skinny cuz then I'd have the cure for my own bad habits --- eating! LOL love your comments, as always!!!
I don't smoke, never tried smoking and no plans in trying it. :)
Marisue, another thought provoking hub. My comment started with the behavioral aspect of your hub, but by the time I got to the smoking part it was way too long so I decided to go with a shortened version of probably the most controversial part of my thoughts.
I want to preface this with the fact that I am an ex-smoker and had been in the Respiratory profession for almost 20 years and know first hand the negative effects of chronic smoking.
Here goes my bomb, er perspective.
There is too much emphasis that smoking is an addiction. It gives the smoker an “out” that it is beyond their control to quit. Habit should be given at least equal billing. An addiction is better measured by its withdrawal symptoms than by the tragic consequences of prolonged abuse. By that measure smoking is weak; about as weak as biting your (my) fingernails. The problem is we can’t quantify the power of a habit. Why do you think the patch and the gum are big business? Because they only affect nicotine addiction and not the habit. No one has ever quit smoking solely by controlling the addiction of nicotine. Ask any ex-smoker and an overwhelming number (if not all) of them will tell you that “cold turkey” is the only way to quit. We need to stop giving smokers a pass that quitting is by large measure out of their control.
I started smoking when I was thirteen and have bitten my fingernails as long as I can remember. I quit/started smoking at least a dozen times, sometimes for up to two years, before finally quitting for good about 10 yrs ago. I have yet to find a way to quit biting my fingernails for longer than a week, although I know “cold turkey” is the way to go.
You bring up very valid points. I think there is a fine line between addition and habits, but it is definitely there. Well said!! I have habits and I have addictions that are related to my habits. In fact, some of my habits have become addictions probably. See, hard to separate them!! You are right, smokers need to own up to their choice...and power to quit. I think for some it is easier than others, and i think that is related to the addiction level. For some, people are very addicted and quickly so, for others, it's the habit and they can take it or leave it once they make the decision. Most smokers have told me that cold turkey is the way.
Thank you for a very valuable contribution to this post!! =)
Everything Old is New Again, from 1951 Smokin' Hot
Dean Martin made me swoon!!
I just came across this hub and it reminded me of myself, Marisue. I've quit smoking now and never felt better. Guess my parents are happy now. They've been coping with my smoking since I was 18 and at 25, I can finally make them smile and make myself healthier :D
Aww Sophie, now you can smell the fresh air, right? I have many people I love who are smokers, as I say, keep the friend/family member and toss the smoking attitude. My kids smoked and now they struggle to quit. 2 have, 1 more to go. I have other vices, so I know smoking has got to be hard to overcome, I say as I sneak to the cookie jar. =)
Both of my sons are smokers. Wish they weren't. I didn't start smoking cigarettes until I was 28. But, children learn by what they see, not by what they are told. Many times, regardless of what children see, and what they are told, there will always be those little rebels whose motto is: "Oh, yeh?! Watch this, Mum!"
I just wonder, sometimes, if it weren't for child abuse laws, why it isn't a good idea to lock them in a closet until they are 95 or older.
Having two grown sons and five grandchildren. (I would have had more than two children if I were more the earth-mother type, but, I decided two children were all I could enjoy in one lifetime.)
The younger son joined the Navy. He did ok, even though he doesn't speak to me, or have anything to do with me anymore, regardless of the fact I was responsible for getting him a 3-year early out with the help of a U.S. Senator who sat on a military committee and had his ex-o defrocked and assigned 5 years of shore duty after a thorough investigation. (Navy Mums have a lot of power.)
The older son? He got into Heroin back in 1992. He and his buddy started dealing to pay for their newly acquired habit, but couldn't keep up with what they owed. His best friend/dealing buddy was found dead and hanging from a tree in his parents' backyard in Tucson, I heard about it 20 minutes later. That's when I grabbed my older son by the ear, told him he had 5 minutes to pack his grip, then we are headed for Mexico. He didn't want to go cuz he didn't know how to speak Spanish, told him I didn't care, 4 more minutes before we leave and you'll learn the language when you get there.
Heroin gets in the bones, I held him tightly in my arms each night for almost 3 months. A mum does what she has to do! He's been drug free since 1993, learned how to speak Spanish, he's a journeyman carpenter now making about $120 grand a year.
Each child is different, is what I think I'm trying to say. Each of us who has any IQ larger than that of gnat marches to his/her own drummer. Sometimes the march takes any of us down a different path, and, with the help of those who truly love us and care, we find our way back out of the darkness.
~Nan
[ducks] I'm still puffing. And I'm so grateful that my teenage daughter thinks it's nasty. Unfortunately, when I was a teen, I was punished for smoking by a smoker. I remember reading (or maybe seeing something on tv) some time ago about studies that suggested when smokers start as teens, the habit becomes even more hard-wired in their brains. I believe it. And I agree with lifesabeach, we should stop concentrating on the "addiction" part. The time I quit for my longest stretch (only 2 months), the physical part was nothing to beat. It was all mental. It is still all mental...and one of these days I'm going to use my brain :-(
well your points are well taken, but -- even tho i'm not an EXPERT in this - my experience tells me that addiction is also present in the brain, not just physical craving, but the actual enjoyment of the habit. Maybe they can't be separated? At least for some? thanks for reading!!!
Oh Nan! What a story and experience you have had. My heart is moved! The world is so harsh now. Most of the kids we had in our home had been on drugs, were abused, came from abusive homes and drug dependent homes, none of those people were scum, they just had hard and sometimes generational problems and had succumbed to peer pressure as well. My heart went out to them and I did what I could, both by becoming a professional trainer in the field, counseling families in attachment and re-unification and unity and bonding, to what alternatives were available in behavior modifications to prevent future abuse whether it be substance abuse or physical. Whew, that was a long sentence, only to say that I care and I know how hard addictions are, as I've seen them in my home, on a personal 24 hour basis, not just on some clinical report. Many "experts" would say do this or that, but then they weren't living the challenge.
You are a hero, my friend.
mariesue, you are MY hero, Sweet Lady. I did it only one time, and, with my own child. You did it time after time after time. It is difficult for many to understand addictions - once the addiction takes hold, there is no rhyme nor reason, just "i need some more!".
I believe you are so right. and it's so wise to understand the problem, and keep the kid or loved one. =) we belong to a mutual admiration society. My Nancy and me....belong to a ..... hahaha remember that song?? oh my I think that aged me. shhhh
LOL, mariesue. Yes, it is wise to understand the problem, but, sometimes difficult when one has not experienced it personally. I'm not stubborn or hard-headed ... I'm what the Northern Irish label as patient and firm ... happy waiting for the sun to turn green. [grin] I'm a sneaky smoker, I never smoke in public. However, I need to quit -- tried once, went 3 weeks. As I was driving through Canada from Michigan to get to Syracuse, I stopped in Buffalo and bought a carton. Since then, I quit each night before I sleep. I'm so weak and stupid, eh?
marisue, I didn't mean to sound so critical...I think it's semantics really, and I agree with you that addiction is present in the brain. I guess what I object to (and have heard often) is the sort of comparision that "nictotine is just as addictive as heroin". That makes it sound like it's more hard to beat than it is. I believed it for more than 20 years--that quitting would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. It wasn't. Not when my mindset was right. Starting again was stupid, and I'm procrastinating about giving it up again, but I think it helps when we stop thinking that it is soooooo hard to quit. Hope that makes sense...
dineane, you're not being too critical Mind over matter!! Right? I think any addiction or craving or whatever we call it, bad habit if you will, is conquered in the mind, and through our desire and choices. And evidently, it's easier for some and harder for others. I have terrible time trying to quit any bad habit I have...so with that I can identify!! Some say cold turkey is the way to go, others do well with tapering
njog- it's no easy thing, to see someone in trouble, or to be the one in trouble...huge impact on our heart. I wish you well in your choice to quit....if and when it hits you again!! ahha
working
Eileen Hughes says:
6 months ago
You have some very valid arguments in this article. We have the same problem with our son (35) so there is nothing we can do except have him smoke outside when at home. He abides by that. We try but he simply does not care the coughing means nothing to him.
At a stalemate. Thanks for sharing