Ever wondered what became of Teledildonics? (Pronounced : Telly-dill-donics)

Don't tell me you don't know what Teledildonics is?

Well, back in the 80's, that's 1980's, proponents of cyber-sex coined the term : Teledildonics. Teledildonics was set to revolutionise the way people had sex... well, sex over a computer that is. Users would wear a specially designed body suit which would have sensors located at the most erm, sensitive areas of the body. Another cyber-suit wearing user, who, in theory could be located anywhere in the world, would be drooling by his computer poised, for some sexy fun.

How did it work?

Well, the concept was, the physical sensations of touch could be replicated through the body suit via a modem/data link between the two parties. For example, Cyber-guy 'A' would experience erotic pleasure in his genitalia as cyber-guy 'B' manipulated software that brought the sensors on Cyber-guys 'A' body suit, to glorious life. Naturally, Cyber-guy 'B' would reciprocate the favour. In essence, it was remote mutual masturbation. Quite what keys needed to be pressed and in what manner to illicit a 'Oooooh... do it to me harder big boy' - or a - 'Make my throbbing love missile explode, you wild beast' - the mind can only boggle.

Did it work?

Not really. The technology appears to have stalled. Some may consider this a good thing. However, undeterred, cyber-sex technologists, ever keen to take sex out of the bedroom and place it smack dab in front of peoples home computers, have come up with some ingenious yet crude devices to make your computing experience a little more Ooh la la!

Step forward... The Virtual Hole!

The virtual hole is a Japanese invention. In essence, it's a virtual vagina. A virtual what? A virtual vagina! How does it work? Well, would you like the long, detailed, warm and moist explanation, or the more clinical and to the point explanation? Ummm... can I have something in between? Certainly you can.
The Virtual Hole is like nothing you've seen before. For a start, it bucks all pre-conceived ideas you have of a sex toy. It looks like Ten-pin. You mean one of those pins they have at bowling alleys? Exactly. Good grief. So, how does it work? Come on, come on, I'm getting impatient, get to the juicy bits please! Well, the male inserts his penis into the bulbous end of the ten-pin... ooops, I mean, virtual hole, then just lies back and thinks of England. Umm.. Is that it? Well, not exactly. You see, located within it's warm, moist, inviting environment are nine motors designed to simulate the sensations of either a real mouth or real vagina. Ooooh! How nice. But that's not all...

The Teledildonic Dildo..

Ladies need not feel left out as they have their very own Teledildonic buddy. This cheap looking plastic device looks rather uncomfortable. It has some small circular protrusions along it's shaft (designed to mimic a ribbing effect) and a rounded bulbous end that seems almost detached from the shaft, yet still held in place by a plastic tube that runs through the device. It creates the impression that the bulbous end acts in a similar way to a hammerhead power drill! Yes fellas, you can pummel your ladies till they literally explode! Anyway, I digress...


So, how does it all work?

A device called a virtual stick is synched up to the two sex devices, pressure and location sensors on the virtual stick correspond to pressure and location sensors on both the virtual hole and the dildo. That way, each partner, while holding the virtual stick, can stimulate each other towards earth shuddering orgasms despite the fact they may be many miles apart. Everything is linked via a home computer and video conferencing software, so you even get to see who you're having cyber-sex with. This may be a good or bad thing, I've yet to decide.

Anyway, whether cyber-sex is what you get your jollies off, then more power to you. I can think of at least one redeeming feature, at least you'll never have to sleep on the wet patch.