We need cops in Thailand. Whether we like them or not they play an important role for our safety and security. They keep the undesirables from having thoughts about committing crimes against tourist and local Thais alike. As a result Thailand has a relatively low crime rate compared to most developing nations.

Thai cops are able to accomplish this mainly through intimidation, as well as the much deserved reputation of brutality against those who may wish to do us harm. Or to those who piss them off.

You can easily recognize a Thai cop by their tight fitting dark brown uniforms, as dark as their skins, black knee high boots and standard issued Ray Bans, that give them a permanent distinctive poker face.

It also seems strange to me that most Thai cops appear to be molded from the same die cast. Many are tall, lean and skinny. Not malnourished skinny but Bruce Lee skinny, all lean muscle and bone. Probably due to the fact that many are dedicated Muay Thai practitioners.

Perhaps one of the most recognizable attribute a Thai cop has is his large shiny piece of nickel and steel. I’m not talking about their badge. I’m referring to the large .357 magnum revolver strapped to their hip. Sure all guns are no joke, but a .357 magnum can really do some serious damage. People can still recover with a 9mm gun shot wound to the stomach, which is standard issue side arm used by police in the Western hemisphere. But a large caliber bullet such as a .357 to the stomach will ensure that you’ll be sipping your supper through a straw for the rest of your life. That is if you survive.

As a short stay tourist you’ll probably never have the pleasure of experiencing an interaction with Thai police.

As a long term resident working in Thailand for 9 years I only had the pleasure once. And once was enough. The incident occurred just two months after settling into Bangkok. I was driving along Phahon Yohtin road one sunny afternoon in my company issued BMW.

There are small little funny looking booths shaped like a helmet with Thai cops stationed on the edge of the sidewalk by the road. It's basically a checkpoint. One cop was waving his hand signaling someone to pull over. I thought he was pulling over someone else but I quickly glanced around and the closest car was at least 10 cars away. He was signaling me.

I pulled over reluctantly. Back then my Thai was piss poor, so I did a “Howdy officer, what’s the problem?”

“Too fast.” Those words came out of his mouth so smooth as if he had rehearsed it a thousand times. Probably learnt it from a class room at the Thai police academy until it became instinct. I picture a classroom where rows of cadets are chanting in cadence “Too fast”, “Too fast”, Too fast”.

By then I was in Thailand long enough to learn ‘Jai Yen Yen’. To have a cool heart. But anyone who knows me knows I have a temper. A really really bad temper. Especially when one tries to pull a fast one on me. I was pissed. I wasn’t speeding. The cop definitely knew it too. But what really pissed me off was that smile he had as if he was the Cheshire cat. Long rows of perfectly bone white teeth against the dark shade of his skin. I could clearly see myself seething from the reflection off of his well worn Ray Bans.

“Jai Yen Yen” I said to myself biting my tongue. “Tow rai?” I seethed.

“Song roi baht krup.” He quoted, the unofficial fine.

I knew if I paid the official fine for speeding it would be much more since he could make up on the fly about how fast I supposedly been speeding.

I pulled out my billfold, careful not to reveal a row of 1000 Baht bills, just in case he felt like adding another frivolous infraction and handed him the 200 Baht. After he slid it into his tight pant pocket he held out his right hand, again with that smile like we had a heart to heart moment. I shook it, resisting the urge to squeeze his hand hard until his head popped like a zit.

It’s not uncommon for Thai cops to pull people over for traffic violations, whether foreigners or Thai locals, whether made up or otherwise. I see cops pull over people for not wearing helmets on their mopeds. And people should be wearing their helmets. They’ll randomly pull over taxis to check that they’re the licensed driver pictured on the dashboard. If not it’s a 40 Baht fine. Many Thai men rent taxis from taxi owners to make a living. If you’ve been to Bangkok you’ll see that the streets are loaded with taxis and cops can really make loads off of Baht off of them.

These types of little pay offs are called 'Tea Money', although the cops won't be buying tea with the money.

The way Thai cops really rake in the big Baht is by collecting protection money from the red light districts. Remember, prostitution is technically illegal in Bangkok. But many go go bars and other similar type establishments acting as fronts for prostitution have to pay protection money to the police. This is one of the reasons why many after hour bars in Bangkok are allowed to stay open until 5am to 6am.

Some Thai police big wigs even own a certain percentage of Bangkok’s seedy nightlife.

So where does all the collected money go to? You would think it goes straight to the cop’s pocket. If that were true low ranking cops would be living in condos instead of hovels out in the boonies. Thai cops recieve little pay from the government. So they supplement their income by shaving off a bit from tea money collections.

The bulk of the money they collect goes into a war chest for the precinct they are stationed at. And there is some sort of quota that a precinct has to reach in a month. They use these funds for purchasing equipment such as uniforms and of course more .357 magnums.

You can tell which precinct collects more money by the side arms they carry. You'll notice that the majority of the cops in the commercial district zones of Sukhumvit carry .357 magnums where the red light districts of Nana and Soi Cowboy are located. While police in the outskirts of Bangkok carry 9mm Glocks.

The Thai government does set aside some sort of budget for the police force. But obviously it’s not a huge budget. Hence the reason why police precincts resort to collections from the public. And also the reason why low ranking street cops are poor. High ranking cops such as a Colonel will have a nice reasonable Thai standard of living though, coupled with the ample protection money they’re receiving.

So that 200 Baht fine I paid probably went to purchasing ammunition.

I’ve made acquaintances with a few Thai cops during my time in Bangkok. Usually through my Thai friends who invite me to barbecues and picnics a few times a year. I talk to them and they talk to me and we get along just fine.

I wouldn’t say that they’re friends. Friends are people you don’t hesitate to ask if they can help you move furniture. These guys are good for a beer and shooting the breeze.

In general most Thai cops are there to help people.

But just like any other place in the world with an adequate police force, there are a those who go on power trips.

There are some instances where they will try to instigate fights with drunk tourists. Other times if a Thai cop with a chip on his shoulder sees a shirtless foreigner walking down a Soi without a shirt he’ll tell him to put a shirt on. Though I can’t fault the cops on this though. I get disgusted too, especially if one has a gut the size of Mount Vesuvius with hair. But even if a foreigner has the abs of Brad Pitt we should all be a bit more modest in a modest country.

A few months ago a Thai comedian on stage had a .357 magnum at point blank range aimed at his head by a cop in half uniform. The comedian was making fun of drunk drivers. Incidentally the cop was drunk too. Luckily the comedian was not harmed and in the end the cop lost his job and more importantly his gun. So there is some sort of civilian complaints board in Bangkok but they’re only effective on issues as serious as that and not on my 200 Baht false speeding ticket.

These cops wear brown too, but they have a distinctive patch on their shoulders with the words tourist police. Supposedly all of them can speak English or some other widely spoken foreign language. I say supposedly because from what I’ve heard most really can’t.

But as an alternative choice to regular boys in brown, if you’re ever in need of assistance you’re better off dialing this number if you have a mobile number. You can also find tourist police station booths at Patpong and other parts of commercial and adultainment areas in Bangkok.

In Pattaya there is a group of expats working as volunteer tourist police who helps out the tourist police as assisting foreign tourists. Maybe a fellow hubber named Peter Dickinson (who looks a lot like the fellow in the far right) and retired resident expert of Pattaya is one of them. Just kidding Peter.

So you might be thinking why I'm working in such a city where cops are basically corrupt.

Well I've learned a few things from Thai people as well as through my own experience.

If I ever get stopped for falsely speeding again I can deny it politely and insistently instead of giving in so easily. It may not work a hundred percent but I shouldn't have made myself such an easy prey.

I now remember the police checkpoints on the roads I often drive on and memorized when they are manned. I take cabs more often since it's so cheap even though I enjoy driving. I try to position my car surrounded by other cars so my odds are reduced for getting pulled over.

So for living in Bangkok and driving quite often I've only been pulled over once. I think I did quite good compared to my Western colleagues and my Thai friends. Knock on wood.