Hello again Confections!

Quick disclaimer, though this movie is unrated, it is essentially an R-rated film. I will keep my review clean enough, but if you do any research into sites beyond this, you may run afowl (badoom ching! Pun #1 in my cavalcade of horrible puns) of some inappropriate content. I have omitted direct links to the movie's main site (google it if you're THAT curious), due to the site's content.

Before I get going, I need you to think back to my last review. In it, I alluded to the idea that there are distinct differences between movies that are good, and movies that are entertaining. A movie can be both good and entertaining, one or the other, or neither. You may also remember from that review, that at the end, I gave the movie a rating out of five sprinkles. That’s because I thought Trick ‘r Treat was a good, entertaining movie.

What I’m getting at here is that I have two different systems for rating movies. There are movies that are rated out of sprinkles (these are high budget productions, five sprinkles being reserved for the best of the best movies, one sprinkle being reserved for a movie like X-Men Origins: Wolverine), and then there are movies that are rated out of doughnut holes. Why doughnut holes? Because these movies are assembled of negatives, much the theory behind a doughnut hole is that it is made out of the chunks that are cut out of doughnuts. A five doughnut hole film would be one that is the epitome of a bad movie. Something so bad, that it’s actually good, or at least, extremely fun to watch.

The reason I mention this is that I am about to review a definite doughnut hole film and I don’t want anyone to come back at me with hate mail once all is said and done and ask me how in the world I could possibly rate this movie so high.

Perhaps a mini-hub to further explain my ratings system is in order?

There’s a shortage of Thanksgiving horror out there. In fact, there’s a general shortage of Thanksgiving films at all. Think about it, other than Charlie Brown’s lackluster foray into the world of Thanksgiving, and Planes, Trains and Automobiles, can you even NAME a single Thanksgiving movie? I didn’t think so. I find it baffling to think about. Everyone has their own Christmas/Halloween traditions (for example, when I first saw the movie E.T. I had no idea what those kids were doing trick or treating while there was still daylight, but that’s because here in the Northeast, it gets dark by 5 PM on Halloween), but nearly everyone has the same Thanksgiving traditions. It’s a universally understood holiday with traditions that are instantly recognizable. With that in mind, I attempted to plumb the depths of Thanksgiving horror; perhaps I’d come across a film that flips every Thanksgiving tradition I’m aware of on its head and then smashes each of them into the ground like railroad spikes. What I came up with is that there are a grand total of FIVE Thanksgiving-themed horror films. There’s 1981’s Home Sweet Home which actually only BRIEFLY mentions that it a family is about to eat Thanksgiving dinner when a killer starts to pick them apart; there’s 1983’s Blood Rage, which I honestly couldn’t find out much about other than a blurb on a message board; there’s also 1972’s Blood Freak, featuring a guy who wakes up after a PCP drug party with a turkey-head and must go on a killing spree in order to…I’m not really sure, but he MUST do it - I have a copy of this one but the audio is overdubbed in FRENCH!; there’s 2006’s Thanxgiving which I have reviewed and you can read the full review by following the link; and finally, there’s 2009’s ThanksKilling.

ThanksKilling was made for about $3,500 over a period of 14 days. Eleven of those days were dedicated to principal photography in 2007. Three more days of re-shoots took place in 2008 and the movie was then put together and distributors were looked for. Unfortunately the brain trust that created ThanksKilling could not find a single distributor willing to release their film, and it was shopped around until they decided to just do it themselves this year. It will be out on DVD on November 17, 2009. If you’re looking for a 100% spoiler-free recommendation, pre-order this thing YESTERDAY (and if you want to check out the official website for this movie, there’s a list of links at the end of this article). If you want a little more, read-on, and know that this review will give away a bit less than my last one. Specifically, I’m going to cover the final 15 to 20 minutes of this film in about three sentences. Without much further ado, let’s begin:

We start in 1621 (you know, the “olden days”) only mere “moments” after the first Thanksgiving, and IMMEDIATELY we know what we’re in for with this movie. A close-up shot of a nipple greets us followed by a chase through the woods and first-person view of some as-yet unseen enemy. We all know it’s the turkey, but what we didn’t know is that a turkey’s vision is similar to that of Riddick in the movie Pitch Black. Then, the unthinkable happens. The turkey TALKS!!! He tells the woman he has been chasing that he enjoys the sight of her shall we say, voluptuous (two reviews in a row I’ve been able to use that word without breaking a sweat) figure, and then he smashes her face in with a tomahawk. Cue the credits!

After the credit sequence, we are introduced to our five main characters. These cookie-cutter stereotypes have Thanksgiving break from college and are ready to do some MAJOR partying. Though their characters are based on every ridiculous horror movie character you could think of, they are evidently ready to redefine the stereotype of college itself as they act like Thanksgiving break is ten times bigger than Spring break. There’s a jock (Johnny), a fat hillbilly (Billy), a slut (Ali), a nerd (Darren), and a good-girl (Kristen). They all get into a car and head off to parts unknown (or home, you know, in a movie of this caliber, whatever serves the plot).

Then we are whisked away to a shack in the middle of the woods where an old hermit and his dog live. The dog, named Flashy (which, due to the low-budget sound quality I first mistook for Lassie and then Lashy until nearly the end of the movie) heads off into the woods to do dog stuff while our five main characters bond on their long ride home. There’s some quote characterization unquote, and a HORRIBLE joke about the Ali’s legs being more difficult to close than the JonBenet Ramsey case (I know, I didn’t laugh either. I also didn’t laugh the second or THIRD time it gets told).

By this point, you’re probably as bored reading this as I was watching it, and you’re no doubt wondering when the turkey is going to show up for good and start doing some damage. Well, wonder no more. Remember the dog that went out into the woods? It has come across an odd-looking miniature totem pole and reacts as any dog would; he pees on it. This awakens the turkey who proceeds to eviscerate the pooch.

The movie really starts to pick up steam at this point in terms of downright goofiness and hilarity. Back at the Kristen’s house, her father, the sheriff (you may recognize Chuck "The Dead Body Guy" Lamb, but maybe not) is sitting down to his morning coffee. He comments that it tastes funky and his wife shows him that it’s not decaff, it’s defecation. She then demands a divorce and storms out of the room. The sherriff shakes it off as nothing and does nothing other than mention it in passing as a mere point of interest when his daughter calls him moments later. Perhaps she wanted to leave him because of his penchant for wearing glue-on mustaches, or perhaps it’s because his sheriff’s hat looks worse than the kind a five year old may wear on Halloween, but I digress.

Later that night, the car breaks down and our main characters decide to just camp out in the nearby woods for the night. On their way into the woods, Darren finds a sign indicating they are near the town of Crawberg. He’s more than a little bit excited by this and when the others ask why he spins a whopper of a yarn.

It seems, many years ago, a pilgrim whose last name is the same as Billy defiled an Indian. A cartoonish sequence plays out while Darren tells his story (one of the better laughs up to this point can be had here when Ali comments that surely, her ex-boyfriend must have been a pilgrim too). This sequence (and Darren) explains to us that one of the Native Americans was so upset by this defilement that he set a curse upon all white men by necromancing a turkey. Darren then tells everyone that turkeyologists (awesome invention of a word!) are pretty sure it was a true story and that every five-hundred five years the turkey will return to wreak havoc. Now, I don’t know whether this movie is set several years into the future, but given that we are told early on that the turkey first appeared in 1621 and Darren mentions that today is the 505^th anniversary, there’s some bad math going around.

At this point, the hermit has become concerned about the whereabouts of his dog and goes looking. When he comes across the turkey, the evil bird explains (using a stupendously bad pun) that the dog is dead. The man is able to get away without the turkey claiming his life, but our main characters may not be so lucky.

When Kristen goes to call her dad to let him know they will be home late due to the car breaking down, the turkey attacks her. She manages to get away unharmed and get back to her friends who have been sitting around a campfire and drinking, but nobody believes her. At this point a bunny is thrown screaming through the air into their fire (and it must be seen to be believed how HILARIOUS this part is) and when it lands in the fire, Darren observes that this bunny wasn’t just killed, it had its heart pecked out. Also, it wasn’t just any beak that did it, no, it was a TURKEY BEAK! Nobody but Kristen seems to think anything of this (because turkeys are vicious predators in nature anyway right?) and they all go to bed. Unfortunately nobody is killed at this point, but when Billy, who was forced to sleep outside, wakes up the next morning, he is covered in turkey droppings (or are those just brown marshmallows?).

The kids drive off the next morning and the turkey decides to follow them. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t have a card so he decides to hitchhike. The hilarity of the hitchhiking scene is another “has to be seen to be believed” moment but it involves the turkey being offered the choice to give the driver some gas, some money, or some lovin’. Yeah, you read that right. The driver of the car wants to have some “fun” with our maniacal turkey.

Next thing I know, we were back in town with the kids (I was laughing pretty hard, I might have missed something) and Johnny goes home to his parents. Apparently, he and his father don’t talk to each other anymore. It seems like a pretty deep-seated issue, something that’s been eating at the family for a long, long time. Then we learn it’s been two WHOLE weeks. I know, right? He does make up with his dad, but the turkey randomly pops up and rips his dad’s head off. The turkey then tells the jock to go out for a deep pass and throws the head to Johnny.

Back in the car, Johnny laments what has just happened. “No more cranberry sauce,” he whines. “No more stuffing too!” he cries, seemingly (and hilariously) more upset at the loss of a good thanksgiving meal than his parents.

Johnny gets all the kids together, except Ali who has been in her bedroom with her boyfriend. We all know what’s bound to happen here right? That’s right, the turkey kills the guy and then finishes the girl off. Then he kills her too. Just so there’s no confusion, the turkey has sex with the girl, tells her she’s been “stuffed” and then breaks her neck.

 Again, I was laughing pretty hard so I may have missed something but we are back at the sheriff’s house. The doorbell rings, and when he answers it (wearing a turkey costume in preparation for Thanksgiving) guess who’s at the door? It’s either Groucho Marx or the turkey, and Groucho’s been dead for a while.

The turkey and the sheriff have a cup of coffee together, and while the turkey seems content to NOT kill the sheriff, he ends up doing so after the sheriff’s complete idiocy makes him angry. When the kids find Ali’s dead body, they decide that something must be done about the evil turkey. Kristen mentions that her dad has a pretty extensive book collection, so perhaps he has a book on evil turkey curses. This seems to make sense, so they head over to her house.

When they arrive, the turkey answers the door wearing the sherriff’s face and either the illusion is lost on film or these kids are more than just a little bit slow, because nobody notices anything is amiss. We are then treated to a book reading montage (because every great movie needs a montage) and ultimately, they do find a book on evil turkeys and the women who love them (or how to break the curse). The book tells them that they need to rip a necklace off the turkey in order to make him mortal. The rest is written in code for some unknown reason. Well, it is known, it’s to pad out the plot and allow the body count to increase. Billy then realizes the turkey is in disguise while Darren tries to crack the code and is able to rip the necklace off. Bewildered, the turkey flees. Billy is pissed that they weren’t able to kill the turkey, plus he's really hungry, so he leaves.

Darren breaks the code while Billy wanders through the town, so hungry that he’s willing to eat anything, even optical illusions of animated turkeys that the evil turkey uses in order to embed itself in his stomach. The turkey, it seems, can only properly be killed by being burned at the stake after an incantation is said backwards in order to take away his invincibility. As one of the characters says, “you know, standard stuff.”

I’ll spare you the climax, but it involves a rip-off of Alien, a ‘super best friend’ song that is pure comedy gold, a teepee made out of a Coleman tent, people pulling necessary items (like rope and torches) literally out of their back pockets, a plan to work together that involves only one person doing any work, the hermit from earlier coming to a last-minute rescue only to have his actions foiled by the turkey landing in a garbage can that’s actually full of radioactive waste thus causing the evil bird to rise from the dead, and an overlong description of the pain and agony of being burned alive akin to something Will Ferrell’s character would have done in the Austin Powers series of films.

The best thing about ThanksKilling is right from the get go, it’s aware of what it is and what we’re looking for: schlock. Cheap thrills and cheaper laughs. The faux-climax and ultimate climax are ludicrous to an extent that we come to expect by the time the movie’s extremely modest running time (66 minutes) has expired. Characters randomly spew lines like, “No way he could have survived, unless he fell into radioactive waste,” only to have them come 100% true.

Once again, there are lessons to be learned from this film (aren’t there ALWAYS!?!). First of all, you definitely should not desecrate Native American artifacts and in addition to teaching your dog such simple commands as “sit,” “stay,” and “come,” one of the first things you teach them should be “no peeing on the ancient talisman.” We also learn that either urine is a catalyst for awakening demons that should still slumber for another 100-plus years, or the future (since this movie would need to occur in the year 2126 in order for that whole 505 years thing to be true) is going to look suspiciously like Ohio in the year 2009. Further, we learn that demonic turkeys have brown marshmallows for poop, you can cut off somebody’s face and put it on anything and nobody will know the difference, when your parents die you are either more concerned about eating or the cute guy you’ve always had a crush on than what will ultimately become of you now that they are gone, and finally, that a lead actress CAN in fact have a major skin disorder and still be called “gorgeous.”

Ultimately, if you aren’t laughing uncontrollably by the time the jock’s parents are killed, you are completely missing the point of this movie and you should avoid every single doughnut hole film I ever review. The one thing that keeps me from giving this a five star rating is that JonBenet Ramsey joke. It’s never funny once and though the IDEA behind using the same joke over and over and the characters continually acting like it’s the first time they’ve heard it is actually really funny (assuming it’s intentional and not just some sort of horrible editing mistake), the joke itself isn’t even marginally amusing the first time. Each subsequent iteration just annoys me further, rather than make for better humor. Also, I’d like to think that a TRULY so-bad-it’s-good movie is not INTENTIONALLY poorly made; the best of the best horribly bad movies (take nearly any early Gamera film as an example) are made by filmmakers who truly thought they were making a great film.

Final rating below. As always, a full description of my ratings system as well as a full index of all my reviews is available HERE.