The Absolute Worst Date Ever
76Scott was the 'All American' kind of looking guy…tall, blonde hair, and blue eyes. That wasn’t necessarily my type, it wasn't even close, but there was no getting away from the fact that he was incredibly easy on the eyes, and I was incredibly attracted to him. Too bad he turned out to be the person who would be forever recorded in my personal history book as being THE worst date I’ve ever had in my life.
Hey Scotty! Yes, I’m using your real name because you were such a freaking jerk, but I'm not totally evil. If I was truly evil, I’d include your last name to warn all women of your jerkiness. You should feel lucky, very lucky, that I’m also not including a photo. I could do that if I was half the jerk you are, but I’m not. You’re one lucky asswipe.
The Beginning
My crush and infatuation with Scott started in high school, but he was unavailable. He was joined at the hip by some girl, I’ll just call her Mary, for three whole years until we all graduated. Mary was a nice girl, and she always had a crowd of girls around her in the gym locker room (including me) while she bubbled and talked endlessly about lovey dovey goo-goo shit with Scott, “Scott gave me the most beautiful flowers! And we went on the most awesome date at the lake where we…and we…blah, blah, blah freaking blah.”
Help! Kill me already. Please! Just shoot me or chop my head off or throw me off a tall building; I can’t take anymore of this.
Her loss is my gain...or so I thought.
Somehow I lived through it by ignoring all the blah, blah goo-goo stuff until we were done with school and off on our separate ways. But fate is a funny guy, because I ran into Scott not long after graduation, and he was overly friendly with me. Of course I asked him how Mary was doing, and he was quick to tell me that they broke up. My eyes must have told him what I was thinking…
I’ve loved and lusted after you for over three years, so ask me! Ask me out!
He did. Did I say yes too quickly? Yes I did, and I did it with no shame whatsoever. My ship had come in, and it was captained by a stud with blonde hair and a boyish smile.
An all girl party is only fun when you're the guy.
When Scott picked me up that night, the first thing he asked was, “So do you want to go to a dance at the college?” It just so happens that this college was an ALL girl college, and while I thought that was an odd choice for a date, especially a first date, I agreed. Surely most of the girls at this particular college would have dates. Big mistake, but at least he paid my way in. Once we were in the main room where the dance was being held, the first thing I noticed was that there were no other guys in the room. Scott immediately said he was going to get us a couple beers, and then he disappeared off into the crowd of women. An hour later, I started asking some of the other girls if they had seen a “GUY” which should have been easy since I was with the only GUY there. Nope. None of them had seen any guys.
Nice work you freaking asswipe. You bring me to an all girl party then ditch me.
Another hour went by and still no Scott. Anger took me over, and I started pushing my way through drunken college girls looking for him only because I wanted to go home. If I wasn’t so young and stupid at the time, I would have found a phone somewhere and called for someone to come get me. What can I say? I was only 18.
The Wiener and The Fuzz
Finally I found him. He somehow managed to get pretty trashed in those two hours, and he gave me a lame line about how he had been looking for me. Right. I told him to take me home; I was done with the dance. He smiled and acted like nothing in the world was wrong as we left the dance and got back to his van. I climbed in and watched him open the driver’s side door where he stopped and decided it was a good time to take a whiz. All I could do was look out my window and feel pure disgust and anger…
Great! Now you’re flashing your wiener out for the world to see and whizzing up a stream that could very well cause a mud freaking slide…all this on a first date. What an asswipe.
I heard the stream stop very abruptly, and, when I looked over to where he was standing, I saw a policeman, the fuzz, approaching. Scott closed the van door, and all I could hear were muffled voices going back and forth between the two men. I covered my face with my hands trying to disappear or at least not be recognized. Embarrassment doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt at that moment. I thought we were both going to be taken off to the pokey.
Are we there yet?
Somehow Scott talked his way out of trouble, and then he got in the van and we were on our way back to my place. I don’t remember if we said anything to each other or if it was a quiet ride back. All I remember was a strong desire for the date to end and for him to go back to whatever hellhole he crawled out of.
When we got back to my place, he asked to use my bathroom. I should have refused, but I also realized he was cut off in midstream by the cop, so I let him in. I was such an idiot, and this was the last mistake I made with Scott. After he was finished in the bathroom, he went straight for the bedroom and fell onto the bed. UGH! I went in there and asked him to leave (in a much nicer tone than he deserved), and he said, “Can’t you at least give me a BJ?”
Say what? You mean you didn't get a few of those when you were MIA for 2 hours? LEAVE! Go away and never ever call me again you jerkafied asswipe from hell!
The only smart thing he did that night was to leave when I started screaming for him to go, and I thankfully never saw him again. It was the worst date I’ve ever had, and I couldn't believe I wasted three whole years in high school pining, dreaming, and lusting over this guy. There were no flowers, no awesome date at the lake where we…and we…blah, blah, blah freaking blah…just a ditch me at the dance, pee in the road, get caught by the fuzz kind of date that ended with a rude request for a BJ marking the true character of the ultimate asswipe.
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Comments
Hey! I was just here and there wasn't any comment box. Thought you had GT itis. Anyway, great story. I chuckled all the way through. "Nice work you freaking asswipe" had me rolling. I'd love to see you run into Scotty at a party today. Woo, talk about fireworks! Great job.
Wow! What a jerk!!! it makes me think of this guy I had a crush on my Freshman year of high school. I drooled over this guy every waking moment. But, towards the end of the year, I had the opportunity to actually talk to him, and get to know him. He was a huge jerk, too. At some point, he figured out I used to have a huge crush on him. He would flirt with me, and smile and wink at me, all through the rest of high school. I guess he never got the message that my crush ended before Freshman year had. After that, he was just annoying and a big jerk. I guess he never figured out that I really didn't care.
Sad story then, but funny now, to me anyways, but it makes me wonder what my ex dates think of me... I didn't know it was rude to whizz when you felt the need...
Like CR was mentioning...any class reunions coming up?
Elena, Thank you! Besos, besos, besos! I'm glad you laughed because I really wanted to create some humor in there. Thank you for the hall of fame for worst date honor too. When i saw that request yesterday, I had no problem remembering a really bad date! :D lol! Thank you for coming in, and I'm calling you the next time an idiot needs to be knocked out...just let me get some crowbar action in too. ;)
Christoph, thank you! It's funny how funny a bad experience can be when you look back on it. I'm glad it made you laugh because that makes me very happy. :) I forgot to put the silly comment box in before i published. lol!
I actually did run into Scotty about a year later. He was all smiley and stopped me to say hello and asked why don't we get together some time. ROFL! Gosh, my reaction to that could be another hub. :D
Anna, jerks usually don't get the hint very well. Thanks for sharing your jerk story here. I just hope you're not unlucky enough to be a jerk magnet like me. lol! Thanks for coming in to read. :)
Goldentoad, I highly doubt you were ever anywhere close to being an asswipe like Scott. About the whizzing...that doesn't bother me at all once I get to know someone! I just don't like having some guy whip it out on the first date. lol! :D No reunions for me unless I'm heavily drugged and there are no sharp objects around just in case the asswipe shows up. ;)
Don't remind me of those years!
Keep on Hubbing!
I too came by earlier, right after you published this actually, and alas - no comment box. I figured maybe you were afraid that Scotty might leave a comment.
This was a hilarious story - for us - I'm sure you weren't laughing at the time.
I think Scotty was what we used to call, POND SCUM.
Glad you've let it go, Pam. :)
eovery...LOL! Okay, I won't. :X But remember in high school how people were always...just kidding. ;)
Thanks for coming in! :)
Hey Shirley, yea, I knew I'd forget the comment box one day. It's the first thing that goes when I start a hub because I don't like having it in the way. Oh well!
Pond scum is very appropriate! Guano head fits too. ;) You're right, we have to let go of pond scum, but it's sometimes funny to bring it out to poke fun at. lol!
Thanks for coming back Shirley, I appreciate it!
LOL! Guano head? I've never heard that before, it's great, I love it! Hope you don't mind if I use it sometime.
I just noticed that I have never joined your fanclub!!! How could that be? I'm going to rectify that right now!
Hi Pam,
I too, had a major crush on a guy in a band (post-marriage). Every time I saw him we'd talk and sneak a kiss or two. This went on for years, and one day, he came to my home. We had a few drinks, talked and eventually things started heating up. I thought to myself, wow, finally, after all these years. Off we go to get 'cozy', and he says to me, would you mind washing your hands? I said what?? Odd, very odd. So I did, and when I went to sit by him, he whipped out surgical gloves! I thought oh God! Is he some kind of pervert?? Well, no,,,,what it was, he admitted, was that he was paranoid of catching AIDS. Well, to say it ruined the mood along with the whole evening is an understatement! Never again did I entertain romantic ideas about him LOL,,
Sorry you had such an awful experience. As I recall, generally the really hot looking guys did act like total jerks. I found that the guys who were just average looking had a helluva lot more on the ball!
Thanks for sharing,,great hub!
Hey Shirley! Of course you can use guano head when you wish! I just hope nobody is jerky enough towards you to give you cause to actually have to say it. ;) Thanks for fanning me! :D
Trish! Thank you for sharing that story. Oh my word! I was getting really nervous when I got to the part about surgical gloves. Mercy! Thank goodness he had a fairly reasonable explanation, but what a mood breaker. :(
In a really weird way that reminds me of another guy I dated ONCE who got really upset that I didn't take the price stickers off of my groceries before I put them away. How did he know that? For some reason he went snooping through my kitchen cabinets and started pulling out items one by one and asking my why I didn't peel the price sticker off. That was before the whole bar code thing. lol! Anyway, that was too weird for me.
You're right, hot guys are overrated, and I learned real quick to go for the brain and what's inside. ;)
Thanks for coming in for a read. :)
My, My lucky for him you didn't blast him all over the internet. Good for you on booting him out of your domain, as he never deserved you to begin with. :)
Memories . . .yep, bin thar done that. Woa. I think his name was Fish, though. You'd think that would have given me a hint. . .
funny funny stuff, Pam.
Thank you Aevans. :) Hopefully he's grown up to be a real man. If not, then I truly pity the women who encounter him. Thanks for coming in to read. It's good to see you! :)
Teresa...Fish? ROFLMAO! Now that's the funniest name I've heard! And yes that probably should have been a tiny clue, but we all have to go through jerks I suppose. ;) lol! I'm glad this gave you a laugh. :)
Hey, you reminded me of the time I tried to make a boy jealous in middle school...I'd write love letters to myself and sign them with the name Snake. LOL! I dunno, at that time I figured Snake sounded like a tough yet mysterious and manly type of name. Go figure. :D
Thanks for coming in!
So now I know where the need for male muses is rooted...a traumatic experience with Fabio - no he''s European - Robert Redford!
As Cat Stevens said once in a song (and Sheryl Crow agreed to in a cover) the first cut is the deepest - therefore the longest to heal, if ever it heals.
Thanks for sharing this daring do, Pammy. As it is always the first step! Now why am i being serious when I was laughing the whole way through the story *wink*
Ah thanks Cris. :) Actually, this wasn't hurtful as much as it was disappointing. I'm thankful it was only one date, and it was certainly one that needed to happen to get me over my delusional perspective of ole Scotty. ;)
On a lighter note, I laughed my way through this myself, and that made me particularly happy. :) And the fact that others are getting a laugh too makes me even more happy.
Cat Stevens is one of my ALL time favorites! There's nothing better than listening to him when you want to feel mellow. Gosh, I adored so many of his songs...The Hurt, Moonshadow...I can't remember all the titles. How cool for you to bring him up! :D
Not to mention Morning has Broken, Wild World and of course (deep breath) Father and Son LOL
Anyways, Im glad to know that this is not some cathartic thingy that had to be done or else you'd die miserable and with a big question mark on your face. Disappointment is good, and throw in a few laughs, it's better. But with the surname and a picture, it'd be great! LOL :D
So, where did the bad part of the date come in?
Cris, oh lord yes, you named the best ones. I was having a brain fog moment earlier! Gosh I loved and still love Cat Stevens. You don't know how very close I came to putting in the surname and picture! Not out of anger, of course, but wickedness. ;) LOL! Ah, I guess I'm a softy at heart. :)
Pest! ROFL! :D Okay, here's the bad part...he took off on my garden tractor then I couldn't drive myself to the bingo hall. ;)
Wow, what an awful experience. That would have been bad no matter who you were dating but the fact that you waited so long for him made it painful to even read about. Sorry about your bad experience but thank you for sharing it with us.
Okay, the though that you came dangerously close to pure, unadulterated wickedness is good enough! Ahhh I imagine the glint in your eyes and the twitching of your fingers as you contemplated! :D
Thanks Jim. :) I guess this is just an example of how you really should be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it, and when you do, it might bite you where the sun don't shine. ;) Thanks for coming in for a read.
Cris...dangerously close, YES...unadulterated wickedness, YES...glinting eyes and twitching fingers as I caressed the yearbook that holds his picture which came close to getting marked with evil devil horns and a mustache with a RED pen. :D
Hi Pam, that's both interesting and nostalgic. thanks for sharing.
Hi Benson! Thanks for coming in for a read. It's always good to see you. :)
Never did I have one that bad. One first date I remember, we went to a movie. He was slumped down so low in the chair next to me that it made quite an impression. Slouchy Mr. No Backbone was never dated again! Couldn't WAIT for that date to end.
Hey Peggy, it sounds like Mr. Slouchy didn't deserve another date! I always hated those movie dates as a first date. There's no way to tell if you connect or not unless they're a Mr. Slouchy or a Mr. Stinky or a Mr. Nosepicker. :D
Thanks for coming in to read!
Omg what a loser.What an ordeal for you.My worst date was when I brought the guy back to my place after the movies as he wanted a haircut.I was a hairdresser in my first year so still no expert. Anyway this guy wouldnt sit still,talking a hundred miles an hour blah blah.I told him to keep still as I was cutting around his ears,but all of a sudden he swung around, and bang I realised I had cut his ear lobe off.It was all good in the end It was still on the floor and he was able to get it sewn back on after pretty quickly.I never saw him after that lol.
Blondepoet...LOL! Thank you for sharing that story! Wow, maybe you better look around for articles that this guy might have written...the title would be something like, "My first date with a chick who did a Van Gogh on my ear!"
But seriously, I'll bet Mr. Blabber mouth sits still for haircuts now. He was pretty jerky too for being such a spastic blabber mouth. Thanks for sharing that. What a story!
Thanks for coming in to read. :)
Pam, you were soooo lucky that Scotty-Boy didn't force himself on you, as often happens with guys who think "No!" menas "Yes".
That said, I have to tell my "Scotty" story.... His name was Bobby, and he was drop dead, blond, blue-eyed gorgeous. The center of my world in junior high and high school, but of course he didn't know I was alive because I was all elbows and knees. Fast forward a few years - Miss Ugly Duckling had became a Swan. The list of admirers was long and seemingly endless. (Ah, youth!) Mr. Gorgeous wandered into the club where I was bartending, did a double-take, and used a much-practiced line to ask me out. To which I said (tee hee): "Take a number, Bob" and kept right on pouring drinks. Never saw him again, but oh, revenge is sweet!
Jama, I LOVE that story! Revenge of that nature IS so satisfying, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person (being the giver of such revenge). Take a number Bob...ROFLMAO! :D And you're right, that could have been an even more horrible night had he not left and pursued the "no" means "yes" thing. THAT is another experience and story altogether, and I'm sure there are far too many women who know all about that.
Before you leave, can I have a mudslide please? ;)
Thanks for coming in to read and share. :D
Ick! I'm glad you survived this jerk. Yuck! Reminds me of a general rule of thumb I have that may not be fair, but your story is why I have it:
I never date a man who is prettier than I am.
Seriously, that never can work. Either he turns out to be like your asswipe guy, or he turns out to be gay.
IMO nerds make the best catches. But hygiene is important. There are levels of nerdiness. You want the pocket protector Steve Jobs kind of nerd, not the grotesquely obese World of Warcraft nonbathing kind of nerd. :0)
LOL Pam! You're so right! Seriously right!
You reminded me of another pretty boy I dated, a Native American Indian, and hot doesn't even begin to describe him...anyway, he spent way too much time primping in the mirror. Every date involved arriving some place only to have to sit in the car for 15 minutes while he fixed his hair. That relationship didn't last too long. ;)
Thanks for coming in to read Pam. It's always great to see you. :)
"...not the grotesquely obese World of Warcraft nonbathing kind of nerd. :0)"
Oh, pgrundy, how you woo me with your words! I love it.
And Pam, I personally am not really into blatant revenge, but this guy should be tarred and feathered. You should look him up on facebook and leave a nice little comment on his wall for all to see. Something like "Hey, remember that "date" we went on? When you ____ & _____ and then _____ blah, blah, blah, freakin blah??"
Hell hath no fury...
Haha, "My first date with a chick who did a Van Gogh on my ear!" wow I just love that.I'm actually now wondering was it the worst date for him or for me mmmm.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's very good writing. I couldn't wait to get to the end to see how it turned out.
I loved the story, but feel badly that you wrote it from experience. I suppose you can look back on it for a "nothing ventured, nothing gained" growth experience.
I used to watch a show called The Match Game, or something like that, in which a man or woman would choose a first date from three videos of people talking about themselves. One lady chose the guy who claimed to date 300 women a year.
When she came back to talk about the date, she told a horror story about how he wasn't ready to go out when she came to pick him up. Apparently he smooth talked her into just staying home and drinking beer with him at his place. She said that once he got what he wanted he treated her rudely and told her to go home. She turned down the second date.
The guy was off camera, but heard her tell the host about the date. When the host asked him about it, he admitted she was accurate about what happened. The host asked him what else he had to say for himself. With a smirk he said, "Well, Chuck, I guess this relationship has run its course."
I don't remember if his name was Scott.
ParadigmShift...Facebook!! LOL! Great idea! And the message you suggested is definitely the one i shall use. Oh that's good. The way I have it figured, revenge like that isn't truly revenge if the person deserves a good sarcastic word thrashing. ;) Thank you for coming in to read. I appreciate it.
Blondepoet, it sounds like it was kind of bad for both of you!
Hi Netters! Thank you very much for the compliment, and thanks for coming in to read. Good to see you. :)
Tom, thank you! But most of all, thanks for telling that story about the dating show. That is hysterical! Well, it's sad but hysterical. ;) Gosh, you'd think that woman would have had a red flag go up with the guy saying he dated 300 girls a year. Wow! I never saw that show.
I'll bet it was Scott, he always did think he was born for TV. ;) lol!
Ouch the date from hell indeed. But look on the bright side he left without molesting, forcing himself on you or puking on your carpet.
Great story pity it actually had to happen to you though.
Thank you sixty, and you're right, it could have been much worse. Thank goodness it wasn't. At that age, I guess I needed to learn a lesson about jerks and how to handle them. From that point on no guy made it past red flag number one...unless he was particularly interesting, then I may have allowed two red flags. ;) lol!
Thank you again!
ugh, sounds like an ex I once dated for a few years....and oddly enough, he was a blond.... lol.... I steer clear of blond boys now... they tend to be a bit selfish. I know Im being one sided, lol, but its just what Ive experinced.
Hey Mellas! I think you may be on to something about blonde boys. Sorry to hear you experienced a guy like Scott. :( The only thing I know for sure is that most jerks are disguised as very pretty packages to lure us in. ;)
Good to see you!
lol. I hear that. I dated mine for a few years... stupid stupid I was... lol. I dunno wtf was wrong with me. I should have bailed the moment he pulled over on the freeway to take a piss. lol.
Hehe you're a funny writer Pam - I enjoyed that enormously, thank you.
Hi batty! Thank you! I appreciate you coming in to read and for the nice comment. :)
hello: pam what you wrote was good humor on a bad note what this guy did ...sorry this guy had done this. they always say looks are only skin deep and ugly goes to the bone. a lot of guys don't care about women some get what they want and go. but your talking reality here and it happens to women most of the time
Hi peace_maker, thank you, and you're so right sometimes ugly really does go to the bone. When the inside is beautiful, so is the outside. You're a smart guy, and I appreciate you coming in to read and share your thoughts! :)
yikes...what a douche. i think you let him off a bit easy...but ya know...whatre ya gonna do.
TRT, it's great to see you! Douche is right, and I guess there would have been more fun ways to handle him, but I don't think I would have lasted long in prison. lol! I'm such a sissy that I'd be somebody's b*tch within a week. ;) Thanks for coming in!
"I'm such a sissy that I'd be somebody's b*tch within a week. ;)" HAHAHAHAHA oh jeez. I cant stop laughing at that.
Hi Pam, that was really awful. I'm glad you got rid of him. If I were a man, I'd box him for you! Well, since I am a girl, I'd pinch him for you...the one that really stings! LOL
They should really tell males that they mature much much MUCH later than their female counterparts. Not that any of us idiots would have listened. In the words of Paula Poundstone, at that age we're just walking stupidity leading with our crotch.
Ripplemaker, you are the sweetest person! Something tells me he probably got his fair share of "stinging" pinches over the years! lol! ;) It's great to see you!
Tom...LOL, Paula Poundstone is hysterical! You're right, but the good thing is that it gives women (like me) some interesting material to write about later and hopefully have a few laughs. lol!
Thank you both for coming in to read, I appreciate it. :)
Elena. says:
10 months ago
Right-O Pam, I hereby nominate you to the First Date from Hell Hall of Fame! GOSH!! I'm of a mind to fetch the guy and knock him out, or better yet, use the crowbar on him! I've had bad dates, but none come even close to this series of sorry events!
I have to be honest though.... I laughed my way through the hub, 'cause I could see it getting worse and worse by the minute! Laugh! 'scuse me, forgive me and I profusely apologize! I still want to knock the idiot out!