The Art of Farting
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Extreme Farting.
I think farting is one of the most entertaining things ever! Of course I also think it can be the most disgusting thing ever as well. You see, humans have built a symbiotic relationship with our farts. We come up with excuses for just about every rhyme or reason for passing gas.
For instance, every-time you fart you are cleaning your colon. I don't know if this is actually true but it certainly made laugh. Yes, I am immature when it comes to the acts of farting. I cannot help it; you see farting is natures natural laughing gas.
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Caught in the Act
There is no reason to feel ashamed when you need to pass the joke on. Sometimes retaining such a funny joke can hurt, so you need to share whether you like it or not. There is no need to be ashamed. Certainly not every dirty joke smells as bad it sounds.
There are only three things you can do when caught in the act.
1. Smile and be proud
2. Blame someone else, the dog is always a reliable scape goat but if you don't have a dog, a fish will do.
If you decided that # 1 is better than #2, then you have already mastered the art. #2 is usually the funniest, but # 3 can be just as funny. For instance. # 2 is for closet cowards, who still feel some stigma attached with farting, so they use the blame game as a way to cover up their insecurities while coming off looking just as proud as a number 1'er.
This makes for a good joke every now and again, but honestly like farts, it eventually wears off and loses it's luster. The blame game is an Old Fart's joke. It has been dealt too many times.
Oh butt number 3. #3 is the most mature way to go about it and let nature take it course. You see, pretending it never happened leaves everyone a suspect. By doing so, if you can keep from smiling, you have successfully passed the Buck and he who smelt it dealt it; becoming the butt of the joke. As a master, you must refrain from smiling. This is the key to success.
It took me years to develop this focus, butt in time it became more like an infomercial, "set it and forget it."
Hillary Clinton Farts!
How the Politicians do it!
Just ignore it! Sounds political indeed. Thanks for the video link Affiliator!
- Annoying Things!
Things that bother me the most. People with PhD's who don't know anything. To me they're master liars. (religiously speaking) The DMV- they are never nice, they make you wait to pay money and you have to go...
OMG... Zen of Farting!
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- Kids are Evil!
I was just prompted to write about how evil these fantastic little sh*ts are! My kid...this one right here. She is cute right? Guess again! She is only three and she is abusive! How can I say that about my...
Where does it all go wrong?
1. When the odoriferous event has evacuated the premises and you are left with nothing but an infamous fart. The only one laughing is you.
2. The shart. The shart is a funny, funny thing, of course only to those who the shart did not effect. A shart is when you try to fart and end up...well you know. Poopin' your pants. The shart.
I had a friend once who called me out of the blue, early in the morning, he said, "Sandy, can you please bring me some pants?" Of course I was like, 'why....???" He tried to beat around the bush, but I insisted on a reason why I should go out of my way to bring this dude a pair of pants.
Now, he was working at the time at a surf shop in P.B at the time and I was on my way down anyways, but I am the kind of person who will embarrass a person when and where I can because I am a believer in that my friends were made for me to laugh at. So I insisted he tell me why, or I would not bring him some pants.
He said that he must have ate something bad from the taco shop down the street because he went to fart, and ended up making a mess. It was just about opening time, and he was wearing his wetsuit in the meantime. He begged me not to tell. So I promised I wouldn't, but the dumb ass shoulda known better. Of course I was gonna tell.
So I got on the halla and told everyone!!!! By the time I got to the shop he was raging mad at me. What can I say. Some sh*t just can't go without recognition. Till this day the whole community knows what happen to the dude and we still laugh about it.
3. The cover up. Oh no this is not the kind where you play it off, by this I mean, when he finds it awfully funny to stick your head under the covers after letting loose. This is a serious offense, one in which payback is necessary, so that this does not happen again. I highly recommend slipping a little ex-lax into his beverage and removing the toilet paper from the bathrooms. Oh yes, payback isn't exactly right, but it is definitely fun.
4. Sticky farts! The kind of fart the seemingly sticks to the walls so that you can smell it's residue for days on end. You can combat this by making sure there isn't a lot of moisture in the room and that the temperature is neither too hot or too cold. Mostly cold and wet is where it goes bad.
- Funny Ass Stories
A couple years ago I was playing a show when I was with the band Penny Jane. We were playing somewhere out in Miramar; a warehouse promotional party. My lead guitarist, I will call him Bob (lo) was feelin'...
5. The echo! I don't know about men but in a women's restroom facility, there is always that one. You know, the one who farts on the toilet and it echos. I try to be respectful I really do. I try to remain mature, I really do, but I just cannot help but giggle when I hear the echo call. I know it aint right, but I also can't help but peak at my neighbors shoes just to see if it is an old lady, and yes, 9 times out of 10, it is an old women.
6. The grumbler. The grumbler is just pathetic. You don't get to play any game, everyone knows your stomach is toe up so it the ensuing fart has little to gain except a sigh of relief.
7. The folks fart. As it always seems to happen that the first day you go to meet your boyfriend parents, you got a gas bubble that hurts beyond all belief and you are just killing yourself trying to maintain, then it happens. What??? Nothing, you don't talk much, are afraid to laugh cause you know as soon as you relax a bit that your fart will find its escape route, and what will they think next. I don't know, but it happens okay!
8. The sex fart. No this has not happened to me, but a friend decided to take it upon himself to show me some women who got farted on while...you know....gross, gross, gross, gross, gross! This is not funny, well, maybe it is.
Anyways, I could go on and on about how to fart tactfully and with pride. Just remember, farting is not the end of the world. It lightens the moment and kills the uneasiness. So lighten up and laugh a little. It just a fart so do it loud and do it proud!
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Comments
Whateva! I am the only girl in a family of six. You tell me how I know this sh*t. LOL. :)
I am empressed with your knowledge of farting. One could say you might even be able to teach a course in fartacolgy or even at the graduate level where it most certainly would be called phartacology. You could be a professor of phartacology. You might even be known as Dr. Farter. You could assign homework like watching for a farter for a starter or having a class project where students can observe just how far the sound of a fart can go when someone asks you to pull his finger......the possiblities are endless!
LOL, Oh my... Maybe your family should visit a doctor LOL. I loved to read this hub, I almost fart myself laughing :D
Nice take, good hub.
Ok If your on your own and out in the cold...Just light a match and you will get to see the thing..lol
Mike :0))
Mike, are you crazy??? my dad had leathel farts, I was forwarned. lol. :)
So! what you are really saying is your DAD is responable for the "BIG BANG theory" and thats were the thing came from..lol Mike :o))
Well now I have seen the light-ed- match!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This hub stinks.
lol J/K. Oh, and LOL at "the growler." I had to take a test one time in college and, man, the growling was echoing around the silient room and everyone was snickering. The teacher looked up and me and mouthed, "Are you ok?" LOL. It was awful.
Oh yes mike, my dad is soley responsible. and shades of breath,,,, I know huh. :)
Sandra, If you are lucky-- you will get to be an old lady too. When the time approaches, start cutting back on fried foods.
your a crack up...have a great one ....:0)) Mike
Great hub! I can relate to #3 unfortunately. My hubby thinks he's so amusing...but one time he did this and I literally gagged and then ran for my life to find the nearest breatheable air.
Thumbs up!
My father was the master around these parts. He would be reading the newspaper and we would hear it and start laughing. He would lower the paper, look at us quizzically, then as if he suddenly understood what we were laughing at, would say, "that was the house settling," or "that was my shoe." He did it with such a straight face. In the south, we didn't call it farting, we called it "pooting". You didn't fart; you pooted. Funny hub!
I wrote a poem using that word way back in highschool using the word "poot" Christoph. You reminded me of it and this is the perfect place to share:
Hark, I hear a 'possum fart in yonder wood
A valiant effort, the best he could.
Could it be that he is full,
This hidden, gaseous marsupial?
.
He toots once more, a louder sound
A dog's near by and the 'possum is found.
A battle ensues, not long to last.
That 'possum's days of farting
Are poots in the past.
Ha! Your talent showed at a young age! That's right up there with Frost, Longfellow, and Homer. I think Emily Dickenson wrote a poem about poots:
The moom, the night, a star that shoots,
Stuck to this earth, alone with poots.
Sandra, I loved it! If I ever get so old that I no longer think farts are funny (which, honestly, I don't see happening), I will know that I am truly an "Old Fart."
Funny and very clever..I loved it too and reminded me of what my mom used to say.."oops..must be a cat under the house"..never did quite get that one tho??Fartability is greatly done...
Once at a zoo in San Francisco, at feeding time for the lions (and it was warm and packed with people) there was this horrible smell...All the women (well quite a few of use women including me) looked our husbands and frowned...to later realize it was the lion...and was impossible to exit quickly.....now that was truly a roaring poot..LOL ha ha hee hee G=Ma :o) hugs
Oh you guys are a gas.
I knew a girl nicknamed "Pooter". In boot camp we were doing crunches and she farted. The RDC sniffed her out and called her Pooter the whole time we were there. hahaha, oooohhh Pooter, where she at?
Rochell Frank -thanks for the advise I hope I can remember it when I get old.
When camping my dad would call farts, "barking tree spiders," I still don't really know why he called it that, but it still makes me laugh and the tradition lives on.
G-maJ. lol. I don't think I would want to smell a lion bust as*, funny though, all the women looked at their husbands. lolol.
Another thing we would do as kids was stomp on the ground as if killing a bug. You stomped just as you "let one go" (to hide the sound) and then say, "stink bug!)
Unfortunately at my age this is unfortunately a serious subject. Boborygmy together with rather smelly specimens come with the territory. When the blame game starts, the finger points in my direction and I am even innocent (sometimes). Farts are useful when entertaining grandcildren. "Pull my pinky" and the let rip, in perfect timimg, to the finger pull, to much amusement from the grandchildren and annoyance of the parents.
Farting is one of those painfully funny subjects Thanks for a great hub. Perhaps you should ask Marisue to link this with her hub on this topic.
Good hub funnuy too.
This is so funny, The art of the fart is alive and well at my house! I'm pretty sure two of my kids and my husband can fart at will. They have it mastered! My husband cocks his leg like a shotgun, and then fires. Me and my other child have to suffer through all this.
Great Hub!
I honestly didn't know women farted till I was like 16.
Reilly. what can I say, lololol, that is the first I have ever heard of that and I am going to try just because.
Sixtyorso- yip, Marisue is funny.
gwendymom- I feel for you. I really, really do. :) When I was a kid, me and my mom insisted that my dad carry air freshner in his back pocket. And he did....
Sdsbreath- my little brothers still refuse to believe that girls fart too. They are in thier 20's now. :)
True story -- I was in the court room when a woman was asked for the reasons she wanted to divorce her husband, quite seriously she said: "Well, he farts and leaves the room." Even the judge laughed.
Jerilee: That's hysterical!
I'm thinking the hysterical part was that I later married him and she was right. Didn't divorce him because of it, but he later remarried her. Guess they worked it out.
Wow, this hub is excellent, 2 thumbs up! But I think you forgot to mention the shadow fart. Like when you're in a store and the fart follows you everywhere you go! There's no way to play the blame game in this situation. I usually act like nothing ever happened and quitely giggle after every person I pass.
And thanks for reminding me to not take life so seriously all the time :)
Your welcome sand box vet. I did forget to mention the "shadow fart", which reminds me of the "mystery fart" as well. You know, the kind that slips out and you, yourself are not sure if you did it. LOL
My cats get the biggest kick out of when my wife or I fart! They start looking around for the source of the noise, often going to the A/C vents, sniffing around. they never do quite find the source, however, and then fall asleep as if they could no longer be bothered with the search.
My cats are very crafty, if not nasally challenged!
A certain person I know used to go into supermarkets, find the aisle with all the elderly people in it, stand next to them, fart, and then run away and approach the aisle from the other direction. All the old people would be giving each other disgusted looks and blaming their other halves. He used to think this was hilarious.
The other thing he did once, was go into a posh Indian Restaurant and take a group of mates and his current girlfriend with him. Half way through the evening he stood up, tapped his fork on his glass so the room went silent, and said he wanted to make an announcement. Everyone thought he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him, but instead he leant sideways and farted loudly before sitting down. Everyone was laughing in the restaurant, even the staff, the only person not amused was the girlfriend. (for the full story read my hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Hilarious-Life-of-Bob- )
Hilarious Hub, well done.
When at work I just walk faster and do not turn back to see the damage
You touched a less spoken subject.is it really an art.What a vast subject.
I love fart humor. In my mid-30s and I never get tired of it. Thanks for a great hub!
Very entertaining hub. I have a feeling many middle school aged boys come across your hub when the google farting and just love it, as this topic serves for hour of entertainment with that age group :). Well that seemed to be the favorite topic with middle school kids back when I was going to school anyway, maybe now they are into joking about something else.
Dear Sandra, thank you for this hub about 'The art of farting'. I really needed something to relax and to laugh and I found it here. Just terrfic...and comments are also so fartingly creative and amusing, as well. Thanks again!
you are welcom Solarshingles. It's good to let loose once and while and laugh. Happy to be gas. :)
"SIGNAL 3" The Art of Smart Farting
When I was young I worked with my dad in his ceramic tile installation business. Some times we would be called to do remodel work at someones' home. Generally this would be in a bathroom. My dad also had another full time helper that worked with us and this guy would drink a lot of booze every night and he eat alot of beans. Anyway to get to the main story line. As we were working at these homes, often the owner/s would hang around and watch us. I mean some times they would litterally be under our feet. This made my dad very nervous. He hated for customers to stand over him to watch. So he and James (the other helper) had devised a plan many years before and the code name of the plan was "SIGNAL 3".
This is how it worked. When ever a home-owner would hang around exessively my dad would say "James!" then James would say "yea boss" then my dad would say "SIGNAL 3". That's when James would perform his most skillfull contribution to the cause. He would let out the loudest stinkiest fart you ever witnessed. 100% of the time "SIGNAL 3" was succesful in clearing out the on-lookers and some times the crew too.
LOL, this seems to be the consensus when it comes to people who work in "remodeling". My boyfriend says that it never seems to fail that whenever he needs to gas, one of the home owners undoubtably always goes into the room where he just tooted. He also says that he hates it when he is remodeling a home and a bathroom doesn't have any air freshner. haha!
Great hub. It's nice to read that a lady can create such creative writings.
sorry! hope you din't hear it!
Thanks for you honesty..we all need to be more honest and have a good laugh sometimes
Marc
well u naughty...suppose u r having sex with urboyfriend and ur lover farts..pooooooooooon,then what will u do?
Probably laugh dr boy!
I inflated my air matress by farting into a tube hooked up to the matress after eating a can doggone dog food.
I will just state that I do not believe you but it sounds pretty um..well...sexy! LOL
this is a very inspirational hub. I was touched. Me and my dumb friends have this little game we play when we ride in a car together, when a person leaves the car, he lets one rip, and if does it right, they won't realize until after they drive off that they were just bombed. good to see a lady coming clean, eerrrr dirty, on this issue!
well I am not one to claim that my farts smell like roses...well, maybe I do say that but..I know they really smell like honey! Nice game, I might try it one day! ROTFLMAO. Thanks. :)
Hi Sandra, this hub smells very bad. I believe some one here has serious gas problem. Colon cleanse should help to solve some problem but you still need to watch what you eat. Do you remember the famous saying you are what you eat.
Ha ha - hilarious piece - can't understand why there is so much hue and cry over a simple fart issue - My mum says if a sneeze could get away with a plain "excuse me" and a "bless you" from people around - then fartin should be given the same status - Even, hillary clinton farted durin a press conference and continued as if nothing had happened. Is it because farting has different status with the "rich and famous".. Anyway, this post rocks - pure "laughing gas" !!
Oh man affiliater, do you happen to have a video link to Hillary farting? I think that would make a glorious addition to the hub. Glad you got some laughs.
I could only imagine how the rich and famous fart, "Oh my dear Lad, I seem to have released something odious". :)
Sands....Just check this link out for a load of "gas"
F eels like
A
R eal
T oot
lol that first pic is realy funny !!! =) it cracked me up !!! lol
Great Hub, I especially enjoyed the video of Hillary.
Robert Ballard
I can't believe I just now found this hysterical article. I'm absolutely rolling! LOL!
good one
anime_nanet says:
15 months ago
Word of advice:
If you think you fart too much and if you have frequent abdominal pain or diarheia go visit a doctor since you can suffer from a GI condition that can be easily solved - or controled, in case it's nervous collitis.