If you're like me who's been told by well meaning people, too many times, what they think you should become, and you're more confused than ever about yourself, maybe you can learn something from my own journey. It's never too late to discover our true essence, which hopefully leads to finding the real us. No matter how long it may take, and in my case, a pretty long time, it will be all worth fulfilling our life's calling or dream. Is it critical? I think so. It was for me.

My 'Hysterical' History:

As a little girl, i loved ballet, much more than anything, including food. I would nag my parents to send me to Ballet School, but they rejected my pleas. It was such a passion, i was thrilled to find step by step lessons in ballet in the "Book of Knowledge". I taught myself, including my 2 younger sisters, and really loved it! But, i was frustrated when my folks insisted that i should become a famous Concert Pianist. For nine years, i was under the tutelage of my determined, very strict, piano teacher/mom, and bless her heart. I was too young and rebellious to try to please her. Likewise, she was upset, more than happy with her student. I love music very much, but playing the piano was not in my vision. I feel bad that i had disappointed my mom.

Bridges

Often, we think we made it to some place by accident or without the help of others. I believe my artistic (music, fashion, art) inclinations came from my mother. She was a woman of style and impeccable taste, My dad on the other hand was handsome and brilliant, who was twice awarded businessman of the year in the 50's, He played a big part in shaping me as a literary person. I remember our library at home, my dad's collection of books, and how they impacted my young mind. I couldn't believe the tremendous pleasure of discovery and learning. If there's such a thing as educational 'disneyland', that was it! Dad had a big chair where he read, and i still remember the time when i sat on his lap and he told me, 'i could see the world, many times over and discover everything about places, cultures, people, history, science, etc, through the written word'. It was powerful.

In high school, my English teacher took notice of my interest for Literature and encouraged me to write. I have been practicing journaling in my diary and found the exercise very meaningful. I was fortunate to go to the right school, with a teacher, whose sensitivity and mentoring paved the way to build my confidence to be a writer. I eventually became Editor of our schools newspaper called "Eureka". By the time i was in fourth year, i had decided i would pursue photo-journalism.

But in life, there are detours that can keep our dreams in limbo. Family tragedy, and in our case, there were many, like a crashing 'Domino'. A series of unexpected events, sad and painful would derail my plans. My parents separated. My brother took his own life. Marriage, motherhood, divorce, single motherhood and a bout with a life threatening illness was my portion.

With our dysfunctioned family and a child to raise, i opted to seek a path that i thought i should be in control of. I started with very little confidence, wondering about my skills and how far it would take me. The easiest way for me to make money was to become a model. I had contacts in the field of advertising, and made it known that i was available for commercials and promotional work. I also accepted some fashion modeling, and was lucky enough to get jobs, enabling me to provide for my daughter. I took my work seriously, and in a few years i was an entrepreneur running my own successful Modeling agency. I loved my freedom and felt liberated, that i could make choices for me and my child. Even some small decisions became vital to my future. When I had some time, i decided to learn how to type. I had no plans of becoming a secretary, but learning a new skill was something positive and a smart thing.

Still somewhat unclear as to where i wanted to go with my career, I took a course in Radio-Television Production. I was curious about something unknown to me, plus I was dating someone in broadcasting, who obviously had influenced my thinking. When that relationship ended, i had a certificate, an offer to be a TV co-host and to star in a drama (heavy with a language i hardly used), all, but without the my heart and interest. It died there. At least i found out it wasn't for me.

A second marriage took me to another path, from domestication to the corporate world. My daughter was growing up real fast and i was fast getting bored. I tried gardening and grew so many plants, all i did was give them away. I couldn't keep still. I guess that's one sign when you know you're still 'searching' and not quite where you want to be. One day, as i was browsing through the newspasper, i saw an ad for a photography class. I decided to enroll, but after several lessons, my husband just suddenly asked me to quit. He gave me a lame reason, and despite my resistance, he won.

He invited me to join him in his business, to help him run the company's communications department. This was a real gift of liberation for me. It was work, an adventure in creativity, that opened up a new and exciting world. I met a lot of interesting creative people, from writers to artists. Technology was 'crackling' everywhere, and it was fun trying to keep in step. I was always a 'curious animal', wanting to learn. I loved designing and writing, and all the tools needed for one budding 'artist' was being handed magically, through the new digital era. I was a golden girl when i took a course in Computers. I knew there was more to my life, even when i wasn't sure what it was. I had given so much of myself, to help fulfill my then living husband's ambitions and dreams. But, when he died, i felt alone, wasted, wondering what had happened. I didn't like the answer.

Inspiration

I take pride in the fact that i had raised a fine daughter, who's now happily married and a fulfilled mom. She has been my inspiration in the choices i made in charting my life. But, in the year 2005, while i was still grieving my loss, i got an unexpected, life changing call. His was a familiar soothing voice, I felt immediately 'at home'. To cut the story short, i was reunited with an old love. Talk about piecing a puzzle together. One never know's what life will surprise us with. This was someone who i remember saw the 'artist' in me. To my surprise, before we even saw each other in person after 30 years, he gifted me with a camera. It was so symbolic, as if God was placing in my hand an 'assignment', or a mission.

Today, i feel completely at peace with myself knowing i have found my place under the sun. I don't fret about what may have been lost. Rather i celebrate what i have found, which is myself, and my art.