The first two times my cell phone rang I was in a movie theatre and ignored the irritating vibration in my bag. When I checked on it in the intermission, I noted missed calls from a number with an unfamiliar city code and thought nothing more of it. The next day I answered the cell phone without checking to see who was calling. "Hello," exclaimed a breathless high-pitched voice, "I'm calling from Chennai! Is this Mr. FP?"

That should have been my first clue. I should have disconnected right away but some perverse imp in my head forced me to correct him. "No, this is Ms. FP," I informed him frostily, hissing out the ‘s' for good measure. Unperturbed he continued. "Ma'am we are upgrading your credit card!" Politely I countered, "I don't want or need an upgrade, thank you." He wasn't finished yet. "But ma'am we're upgrading you to platinum, the highest category," he said excitedly and paused, probably expecting me to whoop with joy.

I spelt it out slowly and still very politely, "I don't require an upgrade." Not one to be cowed down by uncooperative individuals at the other end of a phone line he bleated, "Ma'am you can buy your groceries with it!" Groceries? What about my ridiculously modest spending habits on my existing credit card had given them the idea that I required a platinum card for my weekly groceries? What did they think I lived on? Foie gras imported from Paris, and only the bluest cheese from Denmark?

I was still trying to butt in with firm ‘no thank yous' but he wasn't hearing any argument. "And you'll get free gifts," he said triumphantly. Here obviously was my cue to stop protesting, and swoon at his feet instead. So I asked the obvious question. "What gifts exactly?" I could visualise him preening with delight. "A cake on your birthday and a bottle of wine!" Well, that takes care of the party I thought, even as he rushed to inform me of a free treatment at a local skin clinic.

That was it! No one likes to be told they need face saving skin treatments! I had humoured the man long enough but this was adding insult to injury. "But ma'am...," I could hear him protesting loudly as I cut him off in mid-sentence. I never got to hear the rest of the wonderful offer, but had no regrets about nipping a prospective status boost in the bud. What I hadn't bargained for was that he had the persistence of a gnat. He kept calling back at regular intervals till I finally had to put my phone on silent mode.

As if that encounter with the bank from Chennai wasn't enough that day, I answered the landline an hour later to hear a voice asking for my husband. It was a lady from a local bank this time, with "a special business offer for the family". Thinking he might be interested in the offer, I asked her to call back in a while. "OK ma'am," she said. "Does he work," she then queried solicitously. Does he work? No, I wanted to tell her, he's out feeding the pigeons! She calls up with a special business offer and doesn't know whether he works?

The proliferation of communication devices and easy access to information has a downside we don't take into consideration every time we apply for a new phone line. Accessing telephone numbers, whether landline, wire free or mobile, doesn't take much effort these days, and if you're at the end of a handset, you're going to be besieged by unsolicited calls. If you live by the maxim that a phone is for your convenience, you're living in a fool's paradise.

Before the day is out, the phone rings again. "Ma'am, I have a special phone offer for you. Two telephone lines for the price of one..." Help!