I recently heard John Gosslin say on television he wants nothing to do with Kate, the mother of their eight children. He has found a new love in 22 year old Hailey Glassman, the daughter of his ex-wife’s plastic surgeon. He gets butterflies when he sees her, he says, and he knows she’s his soul mate. What do butterflies have to do with love?

What’s love? We all crave it. We say we want it, can’t live without it, we need it to be complete, we need it to feel life is worth living. We need someone to love us. Mass marketing sells us the accoutrements we need to attract it, to be worthy of it. We’re told we have to be someone worth loving. We have to have what it takes to be loved—the looks, the money, the success, the self esteem. We have to bring something worth loving to the table, and if we have enough product, we can barter it for love. Of course, this love is illusive and unpredictable—at first, we feel it’s going to last forever, but then it seems flighty, it seems to come and go in an instant. In our gut, we know it’s not the real thing, that what we feel now will pass, or change, will disappoint, or even devastate us. Yet, movies and popular love songs are selling it, and we don’t know where else to turn to fill us up.

What’s Lust got to do with it?

Romantic love and lust go together like a horse and carriage—when you picture John and his new love, you can see they’re in the throws of the initial stages of intense romantic love that generates the chemical reactions in the brain and body and leads to mating. Nature has set us up and we are now under the magical spell of our biology. It’s actually what science would call a chemical high, and involves the release of chemicals, such as, testosterone and estrogen. After this chemical high wears off in a few weeks or months, and the brain chemistry returns to normal, it can feel like a bit of a crash.

At this stage, however, the attraction may deepen and become the romantic feelings that lead to commitment—we may experience “falling in love.” People often feel certain they have found the one and only person who is right for them—the person they have been longing for their entire life, who will make them whole. At this point, we may long for marriage, certain we’ve found a soul mate. Many scientists attribute this desire for permanent bonding to the release of certain chemicals in the brain. Pheromones, dopamine, and norepinephrin, and serotonin which stimulate the brain’s pleasure center and create intense feelings that flood the nervous system—we are ready to jump through hoops for the object of our love, we will chop wood, carry water, try to stop our bad habits, make more money, lose weight, have children—whatever it takes to make our partner happy. This love has an erotic and passionate component (coming from the Greek word, Eros, and has been called “love of the body.” It involves longing to be with the lover and a deep appreciation of the physical beauty of the love object. This stage lasts from 1-3 years. Marketing targets this audience with sexy ads that appeal to the brain’s mating instinct’s—perfume, sexy lingerie, powerful cars, Calvin Cline ads that look more like soft porn than advertising, all contributing to the illusion we can buy, earn, force, or find love from the outside.

When Lust Wanes

So, what happens when the intensity of feelings diminish as the brain chemistry goes back to its previous state? It’s like a cocaine high crash—the world and the relationship often come tumbling down as fantasy collides with reality, as making a living confronts the dreams of living in a tent by the sea. So, what’s the glue, the incentive to remain a couple? How can couples stay together at least long enough to raise the kids? It seems that long-term bonding and attachment requires a kind of commitment based on share interests, such as children, common goals, need for community, stability, and security.

But this is where things can get really tricky because without the chemical high experienced earlier in the relationship, and with the increased responsibilities of everyday life, couples are often prone to feel dissatisfied and many stray from the relationship to recreate another experience with someone new where they can again enjoy the euphoric feelings of infatuation based on fantasy, projection, and altered brain chemistry.

Of course when you hear some of the reasons people give for cheating, having affairs, or leaving their relationship, it makes sense in light of their changed brain chemistry as they tell their truth and explain how things are now so very different:

• I no longer love my partner.
• I love my partner but have fallen out of love with my partner.
• The sex is boring.
• There is no longer the excitement we once felt.
• We no longer have chemistry.
• We don’t want to stay together just for the sake of the kids.

And so on…

These sentiments are clear expressions of what happens when the brain chemistry returns to its normal levels and we are faced with the increasing challenges of the mundane.

What’s the Answer? You don’t necessarily have to leave your partner.

There’s no point denying Mother Nature—it’s just too powerful and we will always be affected by our biology. It's all good, just put it in perspective. But, I think it helps to heed these suggestions:

Understand the chemistry of love, lust, and infatuation.

Be aware of the cycles of nature and the stages of our lives and relationships. (Consider the insane period called puberty when hormones began to rage and how grateful you are that is behind you).

Don’t look for another person to fulfill you, it’s not their job. Your job is to develop yourself, find out what you love to do and do it, make yourself happy, and take care of yourself.

Don’t expect fulfillment to come from the institution of love or marriage. You can enjoy these relationships and choose them, but you will only be disappointed if you think they will bring you fulfillment.

Fulfillment comes from the relationship you have with yourself, from developing yourself, and loving yourself.

Don't tolerate abusive relationships because you are afraid you cannot be complete on your own.

Don't buy the myth you have a soul mate - you are the one you have been looking for.

Understand the dynamics of co-dependency.

Consider reconsidering your notions on love!

Read or re-read, The Road Less Traveled, a classic by Scott Peck’s. Peck considers the nature of love as the driving force behind spiritual growth and debunks the idea that romantic love exists:

What gives us the energy for discipline? Loves does.

• Love is not a feeling, love is action (doing, not saying, not feeling)
• Love is not dependency (parasitism is dependency)
• Love is not self-sacrifice
• Love is not cathexis (dedicating time, having knowledge about, ...) (a hobby or a thing can be cathexis)
• Love is not "falling in love" ("falling in love" is a feeling)
• Love comes with the will to do something (it is planned, it is a conscious act of wanting to love, ...)
• Love is conscious (Grace, ESP or dreams are unconscious, ...)
• Love is work or courage directed toward the nurture of our own or another's spiritual growth
• Love requires attention, attend to one's personal/spiritual growth
• Love requires you to listen
• Love requires you to take risks

I love Scott Peck!