The Boomerang Ex - when your ex keeps coming back into your life

Many women find that when their husband leaves them, the split is less than final. Their ex keeps in touch, giving mixed signals, so she's never sure whether he wants to get back together or not. And he seems reluctant to get on with the divorce. There are three possible reasons for this behaviour.

One - the one you'd like it to be! - is that he does still love you and is regretting the split, but he's too afraid of rejection to suggest getting back together. Unfortunately, this is the least likely explanation for his behaviour.

The second possibility is that he thinks he's being kind. He may have fallen out of love, but he still hates to hurt you (or fears the confrontation). So he lets you down gently with "it's not you, it's me" or "I love you, but..." instead of telling you the truth. If you start to cry, he'll immediately hug you or say comforting things.

These actions are so easily misinterpreted by a woman who wants to believe ("he said he didn't love me anymore but I could tell by the way he held me, that he didn't really mean it....."). So he's NOT being kind. He's being incredibly cruel, because it leaves you with a tiny bit of hope.

This is very unfair, because it's stopping you from moving on with your life, and finding a new man. If you suspect this is the reason for your ex's behaviour, point this out to him. Tell him that you need him to be honest. It's called "being cruel to be kind".

The final possibility - and I'm afraid it's a very common explanation - is that he's being a typical, territorial male.

Most men feel possessive about their wives, even after they split up. They can't bear the thought of their ex-wife sleeping with another man. By delaying the divorce, he delays that possibility.

Some men even take this so far as to drop in for sex with their ex occasionally. In his mind, sex is the major reason for having a relationship - so if he keeps you satisfied, you won't need to find a new mate, will you?

Going along with this is the absolute worst thing that a woman can do. Stay friends if you want, but sex MUST BE off limits!

For one thing, so long as he can get sex from you without strings, he has no incentive to make a decision one way or the other - so you're prolonging the agony. For another, most women find it hard to have sex without feelings of love, so you are messing with your emotions and preventing yourself from moving on. If you find it hard to resist, it may be better to declare a three or six month "holiday" when you agree not to contact each other, just to give your emotions time to settle down.

If you have a "boomerang ex", it's important to be assertive, to question your ex and not to let him put you off with vague answers. I know that's difficult to do: if we are cherishing the hope that he'll come back, part of us just doesn't want to know the truth.But until you know, you're stuck in limbo.

Ask him point blank if there's any chance of getting back together. Sure, if the answer is "no way", it's going to hurt - but if that is the answer, how many years of your life do you want to waste before you find out?

If the answer is "yes", then immediately start discussing how and when you're going to get back together - don't let him put it off. If he really means it, he should be talking about a reunion in weeks, not months.

Of course, this advice applies to men whose wives are behaving this way,just as much as it does to women.

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Text copyright Marisa Wright. Photo courtesy of Matt Seppings on Flickr.