I have to admit that I am not doing as well (daily) as I had committed to on living in full awareness of the Divine Matrix...DAMN IT! (Not familiar with the Divine Matrix? http://hubpages.com/hub/Traveling-the-Divine-Matrix. Great books also below.)

But, I am learning SO MUCH about myself...it's both disturbing and beautiful. Today, I'm dealing with self-worth, abundance, health and how they all come together in the matrix. I've mentally and emotionally processed it down to this...

You must discipline your thought processes to incorporate language stating your self-worth first, then the feelings of self-worth begin to bubble under the surface of your awareness. Then, you start making choices based in those bubbly undercurrents and better circumstances start to reflex back from the matrix to re-enforce your feelings of self-worth. Now, you really FEEL worthy but only intermittently. The key is in keeping the discipline of making sure the majority of your thoughts continue to support your self-worth. More re-enforcing reflexions bounce back from the matrix and the cycle continues building momentum and creating a better life over time, (I have an intense example of this below.)

Now, you are probably wondering, "what the hell does the Brady Bunch have to do with all of this?" Well, I watched the Brady Bunch growing up. At eleven years old when my mother was dying, my friends' parents would not allow them to hang out with me fearing that Leukemia was contagious (for God Sake?). I was cut off from my peers, my older sister was abusing substances (and me). My father was absent most of the time my mother was hospitalize (thank God) and I was coping on my own.

I came to believe that the majority of kids in the US lived like the Brady Bunch. Hence, something had to be intrinsically wrong with me to be living my life. The sense of "undeservingness," (my new word, thank you very much), abandonment from the universe, self-loathing and low self-worth ran so deep it's been hard to peel back ALL of the bruised layers over the years. Those damn Brady girls!

But, here is the nugget, all of these years of internal boot camp have provided me with a new and amazing skill....clarity in my co-authorship. Seeing changes in the quality of my life that equal the changes I make in self-mastery...the self-disciple of minding my mental business.

Here is the intense example...

My husband has been a serious drinker since he was fourteen. He will be 49 this year. We have battled the drinking issue for 19 years in our marriage. Everyone in his family drink (high functioning alcoholics) and so he has never been willing to admit he had a problem. He stated over and over that he worked hard and earned the right to drink with the boys...even though his drinking took him away from his wife and child 3 or 4 nights a week....leaving me as a 75% single parent. He was driving, putting himself, others, and our financial stability at tremendous risk.

After spending some time working on this self-worth issue, but without really realizing that this is what brought me to a point of strength, I told him I was done, no longer willing to be in a marriage at 25%. I was tired of having my son exposed to this example, tired of having my financial life continuously put at risk. I was done. And, while I had said these words several times before, something was different this time. He knew it and I knew it. I KNEW without question this time, that I deserved better and that I would no longer settle for less.

He hasn't drank for four months and is willing to seek help if he needs further support. He has apologized through deep tears for putting me through so much, for missing out on so much with me and my son. Our marriage is better than it has been in 19 years....just what I deserve.

Love....SB

P.S. You are the center of the universe, the child of God with whom He/She is well pleased, you need do nothing. Peace.