We sat down to view Discovery's The Colony series, sure we were about to see something exciting. A global catastrophic disaster. It could happen any time, any place, they told us. Human conflict, nuclear bombs, natural disasters, chemical and biological warfare are all possible. In this case? A viral outbreak...

And then, the reality of reality TV hit. How likely is it that your particular rag-tag group of harried survivors will include a doctor AND a trauma nurse? Several engineers and machinists? A fully stocked warehouse with tools, machines and supplies of all sorts that you can use to fashion elaborate devices?

The answer, obviously, is highly unlikely. Yet their collective backgrounds and expertise are supposed to be a cross section of modern society. How many of these people do you know? Now ask yourself how many slackers, morons and people who can't find their own shoes you know. Consider a cross section of real people you've encountered and think out a scenario where they form the bulk of your group.

Where is the guy who likes to watch work, give advice and drink beer, but never lift a tool? The woman who can't lift five pounds? The people who can't function without their drugs (prescription or otherwise)? How about the simply irritating- spoiled by money, incompetent, won't stop talking, obnoxious children...They don't suddenly become useful just because the power goes out.

How about including someone disabled or obese? Anyone unable to care for their own daily requirements? There is supposed to have been a viral outbreak and there aren't any sick people on the show. No bodies. Even more bizarre, the survivors are not at all concerned about contact with other humans, people who could be harboring disease.  

What The Colony teaches me: any group of people stranded together for days will go one of two ways. Someone will establish himself (and I mean that gender specifically) as the head of the group and all others will be expected to follow. Or a loose democracy will reign and decisions will be laborious, cause arguments and rifts to form within the group and the lack of rules will be potentially devastating to everyone involved.

First of all, if you are stuck after an apocalypse, do not make food, water and safety among your last priorities. If you are given a large shelter, such as their warehouse, create a defensive position deep inside, high above or along the perimeter where a fast escape may make sense. Do not scatter yourselves and your supplies across hundreds of square yards of space, out of line of sight and unprotected against animals.

Do not spend your time fashioning elaborate machines and toys or building comforts of home into a place you do not anticipate living in for the long term. That is a waste of time, materials and energy.

Stay light. Limit your possessions to a few essentials. Keep your gear packed and ready to bug out at any moment.

Put someone on watch. Every night, not just for the few minutes during and after a threat is announced.

Make weapons a priority and make a plan. Do not wait for something unfortunate to befall your group. Have positions, choose a signal and rehearse your movements. Move in silence so you can hear what is happening and you don't give away your position.

Stash your food, lock it down and ration from day one. Do not just get what you need for the next couple of days or weeks. Especially early on after something happens, get a party out there every day and search in a logical pattern to cover all of the nearby locations. The longer you wait, the less viable the supplies and the more likely someone else will scavenge them.

Practice good sanitation. If the toilets don't work, don't use a toilet. Use a barrel, dig a pit, keep your waste outside of your living quarters. If the area floods from your toilet, do not return to that spot. Mop and slop around some bleach? You may want to think it's clean, but that is not going to fully clean and sanitize the area, plus you are using up water supplies you worked hard to obtain.

Designate an area for contact with others. It should give little to no idea of your specific location or layout. If a trader knows you have a lot, chances are they may make you the next spot they rob for supplies. They may trade your info down the road to the next group. Strangers should not be allowed to know the size of your group, that there are women present. This endangers everyone. Knowledge will still be power.

When you barter, do not tell other people what you have or don't. Discuss beforehand what you're willing to trade away and separate that amount out from your supplies. Hide your supplies away and keep this separate grouping of food ready and available. If someone breaks in, they will likely think they've found your stash, grab that and go. Traders will see only the items you're willing to part with. No one will know exactly what you own and what you lack.

Do not put a sign on your roof advertising your location to other survivors, especially if you plan to argue over their presence and turn them away with no help provided. This, one of the most all-around foolish ideas shown in the series, lets every bad guy in the area know where you are, making it likely your defenses will be tested. It is all unwanted and unneeded attention that puts your survival at risk.

The creators of The Colony shouldn't expect the audience to believe that the show will allow people to be injured and left without medical assistance. They shouldn't expect us to believe the colonists think the production will allow them to be harmed by other actors. We all know better. No channel, no company would put themselves at risk in this manner. No person would fail to walk away from such an experiment if they needed help or felt endangered.

Regardless of the opinion professionals and experts espouse in the expository clips, the participants have no reason to believe this is reality. No mindset takes hold here under the stress of their experience. In an apocalypse, camera crews and production teams will not follow us around to document our experiences. We will not be fed tasks every few days to spice up the show, er our conditions. There were all sorts of cues available to them that the real world was only blocks away, flying overhead happening right alongside them.

A few final notes: The portions of the LA River that are featured on TV are not a river. Nothing about them is even vaguely river-like. Lately, you cannot keep television shows out of that cement pond. I've seen it on Southland, Conan... Do people not understand what has run into that water? When you drive vehicles through it, when it is open to birds, animals and people? At the very least, if you know you're going to drink it eventually, keep your dirty shoes out of the stream, OK?

When it comes to communication, simple is best. Do not attempt to transmit a popping, static-y signal on AM radio. Have you ever listened to AM radio? Who is going to wander those hundreds of channels just in case, using up valuable battery life? If they do, how will they know your scratchy mess from the normal fluctuating, crappy signal available through AM?

Help us! We're weak and unable to defend ourselves! And we're in this warehouse, under the big SOS sign. WHAT??

When you compose your Help message, don't make it a rambling paragraph about all of the dangers you're facing. Make it short, filled with vital and extremely specific information. People can assume you have needs and face dangers--there has been a disaster.

Use that space to create a short call to survivors naming a time and channel to monitor for further information or instructions on initiating contact. Again, do not give out all of your colony's personal business over open channels.

Women should be an integral part of your team and should not be pushed aside or relegated to jobs like cooking or laundry. Women need to be tough enough to step up and demand an equal footing and equal say if their work is helping to sustain a group. If one voice isn't enough, act together, as one, until your voice is heard. 

They also should be smart enough to realise the increased potential for violence against them if they are less able to defend themselves. Their presence should not be announced. They should attempt to downplay their sexual identity. Rape and the chance of being taken and sold as sexual slaves is present in modern, non apocalyptic society. If all rules are out the window, why risk a vital member of your group or general group safety?

The more I learn about the actions of groups, especially groups under pressure, the more I'm sure I will be sticking to the outskirts, alone or with one trusted companion, robbing the rest of humanity blind while they try to build The Colony.

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