August 1052 A.D
   

    Once and long ago - in a time of disease, famine, bad teeth, bitter tasting ale and unattractive frightening woman lived an intoxicated pirate. Although he was proclaimed a pirate by name - he had never set a torn leather boot upon the black bannered ships; for he was considered much too “safe-looking” to granted such a name as pirate. He had not much of a talent for anything; save but drinking the nastiest of ales and lasting till the end to show for it. For years, he had walked across the harbors of Timeberwhore Island - always in search of a humble and brave captain that would take him across the vast seas and into the golden horizon. It was on bright Sunday morning when the awkward pirate walked along the dirt paved road; making his way towards the Hairyback Tavern - home to bitter ale and bad company. He stepped onward towards the rotting wooden porch and opened the slanted door; only to join the ground trembling commotion of laughter and bard melodies held inside.
    “Oy!” barked a scruffy appeared patron, “would ye look der lads - it’s our pirate man Sevan that’s decided to join us now!” The awkward pirate Sevan was terribly shy and wished all his unflattering attention away, but he knew well his name was heard through the land and seas. He was known as “the pirate that never sails” and the title has shamed his pirate hood for seventeen pain-bearing years. The rest of the patrons turned with all haste towards the shabby bearded pirate Sevan - spilling their drinks casually and consistently bashing the old wooden tables ahead of them.
    There stood familiar faces amongst and alongside the old wrinkled patrons - Sevan first noticed a brutal and infamous pirate known as “Fairy-Eyes” to the land-lovers. He stood within the bar counter along the company of the mad and fish-scented man-hunter named, Roger the Reef, and the lovely seventeen-year aged lady pirate named Shacklebait. Fairy-Eyes took notice of Sevan’s arrival; he slammed his ale mug on the counter and ran vigorously towards Sevan - shoving away all that stood in his way.
    “Oy! Sevan!” he beckoned in an angered tone, “what in the likes of hell are you doin’ alongside the ole’ Hairyback? I thought I told ye this be my place!” Roger and Shacklebait soon followed after as the entire tavern rose to look upon the frightened pirate Sevan. “Roger!” Fairy-Eyes called, “I think it best to show our lil’ friend here some manners. What say ye to that Roger?” The man-hunter took hold of his infamous knife-blade he called Waffles.
    “I say he misses Waffles now don’t he?” claimed Roger with a terrible grin. Sevan only stood back as he was much too afraid to draw his old and rusted sword.
    “Aye he does,” Fairy-Eyes agreed. “What say ye Shacklebait?”
    “I think he’s kind of cute guys, we should totally let him go,” the young blonde lady said.
    “Argh - why do ye talk in such strange ways Shacklebait?” complained Fairy-Eyes.
    “Oh my God! You always have to complain about everything! This is totally unfair! This is totally traumatizing for my personality development. You never even understand what I am saying half the time! Like can’t you people get how hard it is for me to-”
    “Arg this not be the time for singing Shacklebait!” howled Fairy-Eyes. Roger took his blade and pressed it in front the throat of poor Sevan; encouraging him into a retreated position as he held back against the wooden door that stood behind him. Fairy-Eyes suddenly had a thought as his expression changed from mad to joyful. “Wait there a moment Roger!” he yelled just before Roger’s blade was stained. “I’ve got a plan!”
    “Plan?” Roger queried.
    “Aye ye stupid throat slitting bastard with ye sissy knife! A plan I have - and a good plan at that. I hear ye Sevan over here is a fine drinker. I challenge what honor ye have left to a match between steel bellies - a drinking contest at that!”
    “Yay! Drinks!“ Shacklebait cheered. “Like I could totally use a shot of vodka right now to chill me out from all this stress, ugh…”
    “Aye Shacklebait, ye have never been more right! I should give him something he might be fond of.”
    “What the hell!?” Shacklebait yelled in an infuriated tone.
    “Arg I have thought of another!” Fairy-Eyes excitedly called as he took a wrinkled old parchment out of his trouser pocket. “I hold here a map - aye a fine map to a place where men have never set sail or foot! I fought against vicious tides and cursed tall ogres so I may have such a rare find placed in here pocket! The place a map the likes of this leads is told to a treasure! If ye wins the contest, then you may claim this map for yer own…but if ye would slip and fall unconscious by the drink; you will be finding that to be yer final slumber. Take a seat there Sevan, let the steel of our bellies me matched!”
    The terribly confused Sevan stood by the old counter and drank the mugs away one by one. The empty wooden mugs filled the stained counter and the barkeeper only rushing to give them more. The patrons cheered and roared for Fairy-Eyes, but they soon saw his eyes beginning to look dampened and his face becoming fragile and pale. As angry as Fairy-Eyes was; he couldn’t help but barely hold onto his mug. Even as their beards became more and more stained by the salty ale they only looked at their pride that stood ahead.
    “Oy…” Fairy-Eyes sighed. “Looks like I’ve had a far too many-” the crowd looked amazed at his sudden modesty. “I give claim to Sevan as the winner!” Sevan’s face was full of delight, but his judgment was heavily altered as he barely stood in his place without falling over. “I give ye the map Sevan; may you find the best of richest.”
    Sevan carelessly took the map and stuttered across towards the doorway. As he made his way towards the bright green grass and trees that stood outside the blatant tavern; he was far too plastered to notice the evil grin that was held in Fairy-Eyes’ expression. Sevan made his way towards the roads the map had led; thinking of nothing but the fame and riches that await the end of his journey. The map directions were quite clear - he thought.
    “Travel ye amongst the finest roads that lead to a forest that brings shiver upon ye bones. Keep going south until ye see signs of a green cactus and brown wallow goat - then speak with the goat the phrase - “Lamb chops make ye a happy man” and ye shall have booty.”
    He went along the road until he reached a dark and blue midst forest. As he heard the deep sound of hooting owls and the cold damped winds piercing through - he knew he found the forest that brings shiver to his bones. Overjoyed, Sevan ran into the gloomy forest through the bush thickets and crowded trees; looking for the green cactus and the brown wallow goat. He muttered the phrase constantly in his head - Lamb chops make ye a happy man, Lamb chops make ye a happy man - in case he lost his map and forgot the most important sentence of his life.
    I wonder where the cactus might be…maybe if I call the name? - Sevan wondered as he aimlessly walked about. He then heard the sound of the bushes shiver about behind him - he quickly turned and saw a pale man with a bug-eyed face and twisted large grin staring at him. Frightened for the first time since he entered the forest - Sevan fled as fast he could towards the unknown and seemingly unending forest. While panting and wishing he left the sight of such a horrible place; he soon noticed a bright light shine through the small gaps between the forest trees. He quickly hurried - hoping to find the gold’s sparkle to be the reason of such lucidity.
    As he finally made his way in front of the light - he unexpectedly noticed it was not a pile of gold or treasure at all, but the sun’s daylight shine through the exterior of the forest. He went into the open and treeless green field to noticed a small wooden structure ahead. It held a porch just like that of Hairyback Tavern and was a bit torn up - but the barely held sign read: Playpirate Mansion: Home To The Finest Of Ale And Women. For a moment Sevan stood disappointed - for he knew old Fairy-Eyes deceived him, but without much of a choice he went towards the doors of the tavern either way.
    As the saddened pirate stood inside with a noticeable scowl, he merely saw the same and usual wrinkled old complexions. Before he dragged himself towards the bar counter, he noticed something that caught his attention - a beautiful oversized women with enormous bosoms and terrible teeth was sitting across him. His face shined as he looked upon her face. He nervously paced towards her - passing by the sign reading: fine whores - five shilling an hour. The oversized woman noticed him making his approach; she quickly awoke from her bored pose and dusted off the dirt on her old dress.
    “Why hello der my fine man,” she said giving off a hideous smile Sevan adored. “You best be looking for a fine evening sir. For ye I’ll charge only twenty-shillings, bargain price love.”
    “No, my love,” Sevan said as he made his approach. “You are wrong - for you are not something that can be bargained with. The beauty you hold in your drowsy beset eyes; the perfectly black and yellow teeth you have, and the stench of pigs and old cheese that comes from your scent is all about priceless.  At last I found my treasure! At last I am a pirate!”

For an old friend, Sevan