Just imagine if you, a citizen of two thousand nine, were catapulted to, say, the eighteenth century. First of all, you would be in a state of shock that something of this magnitude could happen to begin with. But secondly, the reality of said situation would slowly, but surely begin to dawn on you.

The hardware on your belt, in your pockets, hanging around your neck would immediately become useless. Even if the batteries survived the time hop, the devices you use would just be pretty, lighted contraptions, not worth a whiff of air. If you were, carrying a concealed firearm; perhaps a handgun, the clip of eight bullets would be your complete arsenal. Unless you are fortunate enough to find the proper bullet-making machine; employing an as yet undiscovered art form and finding a suitable store of gunpowder, you most likely would have to destroy, then dispose of your weapon.

Your cell phone could probably still take pictures; not very useful unless you wish to be accused of being a witch. Who would you send them to anyhow? Your Blackberry? Eh, same thing.

Do you smoke? Big problem there. You have a pack of smokes; twenty cigarettes; that’s it. You have a lighter in your pocket. That’s good, for a while anyway. You could use it to light the last remaining modern cigarettes on the planet. You could also use it to light a fire, should you find yourself lost in the woods. Which brings us to an interesting point; let’s say you bury all of your incriminating ‘magical devices’; you still have the clothes that you’re wearing. Nothing says ‘Hey, arrest this guy here’ like donning a disturbingly incongruent fashion such as the one in which you are currently enrobed.

Okay, you could do the ol’ ‘City on the edge of Forever’ thing and go tiptoeing through any local town alleyway, hoping to abscond with some apropriate clothing. Are those clothes you’re slipping into clean? Hygiene was not a big matter back then; people died of every day infections a good deal of the time.

Well, congratulations, chum, you’ve gotten this far; great. Now, let’s work on the local dialect. What? Not everybody speaks twenty-first century American English? Um, how do they talk exactly? The idiom they employ would be considered bizarre by your standards. It would probably take years to learn how to speak it fluently.

Oh, to be sure, you’re still in the United States of America, you lucky dog, you. At least you are in the land mass that is or will be the U.S. Who knows exactly when you are? For the sake of making this dissertation a bit easier, let’s say that this point in time is somewhere after the great War of Independence. At least you won’t be accused of being a British spy. Odd that we used to be enemies with the English, you say? Yeah, I agree. Odd and sad, but this is YOUR story, chum. Anyhow, I’ll bestow upon you the power to BS your way through this era’s peculiar dialect and linguistics, how much do you know about this time period other than what you read in History class? What about the day to day goings on? There you would be stopped cold; perhaps, not, but you would be perceived as an outsider at the very best.

Oh yeah, let’s get back to the earlier hygiene thing. You DO realize that there aren’t any showers the likes of which you are accustomed; no body wash either. Hmm, under arm antiperspirant or deodorant? Sorry again. You will bathe with the frequency of your new contemporaries. Should you fall in love, you rascal, you, remember that the love of your life doesn’t shave her armpits or her legs. She definitely won’t be shaving her nether regions either.

Toothpaste? Mmm, more like chalk, actually. Brushing after every meal? That’s something a silly twenty-first century sally boy does. You may get lucky. She may have most of her teeth. Good for you.

Well, so much for pining for the days of yore, huh? I guess today isn’t quite so bad. Yeah, there are wars going on everywhere around the world, but the same applies to then, too. Crime? Yep. Pretty much the same.

Look, the point of this tale is that here is where you were born; will live out your days; and will eventually pass on. Get used to it, and, hey while you’re at it, keep a look out for anyone who appears completely out of his or her element.

Be thankful.

That could have been you.