Book Of Frog Handy Hints For The Nearly Departed.
65Death And Taxes
There’s only two things guaranteed in life. Death and taxes. Hands up who’s got a third one. Or can opt out of either. If your hand’s up you’re either a liar or the Grim Reaper. And if it’s GR – bugger off. No Go Fish to be found hanging around my hubs.
Anyway – this relates specifically to the art of dying in an orderly fashion. All things taken care of. And when I say ‘nearly’ I mean everyone. We’re all nearly. On account of the fact that we don’t know - when. In regard to our ultimate demise. The final shuffle. The bit beyond life.
Pure math.
The Final Approach
I’m of the opinion that there’s two ways to approach the Final Curtain. Either - in a state of chaos. Or in a state of well ordered paperwork. I’m thinking back to the time when my Gran played and lost at Go Fish with GR. She left behind piles of pennies, unfinished knitting and pockets full of elastic bands.
And don’t get me started on the fun we had trying to work out what her last wishes were. As we couldn’t, we just assumed. We did it Our Way. I suspect that we were very very wrong but she left us no option. We even went as far as annoying the Reverend with a loud and raucous Tina Turner hit. And I know for sure that Granny hadn’t a clue who she was. But we did. And we had no instructions.
So Tina Turner is what you get when you Kick The Bucket unprepared.
Grim Reaper
The Hereafter
If you’d rather not leave your loved/unloved (delete as appropriate) with free will as to what they can/will/try to get away with once you’re in the Hereafter, then I’m going to supply you with a list of things to do before you Croak.
Lol – croak.
Post It Notes
Checking Out
1. Tell someone you’re planning on Checking Out at some point. In the way that you’d inform someone you’re going on holiday. I mean – we all think to cancel the milk for a week or so. How’s about thinking long term? Something along the lines of eternity.
2. Specify ‘dead and buried’ or ‘reduced to ashes’. This is always a puzzle. And want to cause many a debate/row/family feud. Write it down on a post-it note. Stick it somewhere obvious. Like the front of your bank book. One of the first places a relative is going to look when You’re Gone.
Grave Indeed
Grave Decisions
3. Think about who’s going to get what. As in who’s getting something decent and who’s getting a kick in the teeth. At least that way - when you’re turning in your grave - and everyone’s calming down, they’ll know who to blame. You.
4 . Flowers. Or not. Another over-looked aspect. Do you want to look like a badly organised compost heap one week post Lifeless … or would you rather you just looked like a regular lump of Earth? Blending in with your surroundings. At one with your final resting place. Choose. Whilst you can. It’s no good moaning in the Afterlife. No one likes a whinger. Especially a dead one. Mostly folk will either ignore you. Or attempt to exorcise you.
Undertakers
Proclamations
5. Have you got an opinion on how you want to look, post Last Breath? If so, say so. Granny didn’t. So we guessed. For instance I insisted she should wear her teeth. I was working from her oft proclaimed statement: “oh I’d never be seen dead without my teeth in”.
The undertaker did a bit of freelance work too. Styled her hair. Did such a good job of it that I overheard one or two of her friends declaring “my … she’s never looked so good”. To which I couldn’t resist retorting “I’m sure she has. Probably right around the time she was still among the living”
No Pockets In Shrouds
No Pockets In Shrouds
6. Don’t, whatever you do, upset the applecart by letting your relatives discover you were a closet millionaire after you’re Pushing Up Daisies. Let them know you’re filthy rich whilst you can still enjoy the fun/fights/fawning.
Why waste the opportunity? Imagine how much fun you can have demanding your second son’s wife brings you full fat cream from your favourite grocers – ten miles away. At 10pm on a Sunday evening
Go Green
7. And finally. I think it wise/prudent/jolly good of you to think outside the box. Do you want one? Or not. These days it’s fashionable to ‘think green’. You can specify whether or not your Eternal Rest is within wood, cardboard, willow – hell you can even opt for a full blown eco-friendly funeral these days. And some of the new style coffins are easily adaptable to household furniture. Whilst you’re waiting to fill them.
A bit like nesting tables. Ornamental. Until you need to use them.
Ready And Prepared
Now I think I’ve covered most bases. For those among us who like to think of those we’re leaving behind. Unless they Bite The Big One first.
And in case you’re wondering. I’m fully prepared. My worldly goods consist of several pairs of flip flops, some borrowed clothes and a few empties. I’ve left my flip flops to the two one legged beggars down the street (I like to spread happiness), my clothing is to be returned to whoever lent it in the first place and the empties can go in the bin.
I want to be burnt to a high degree of crispiness and scattered among 23 different ashtrays around the city. And one Ficus Benjamin.
I’m ready. Are you?
Nearly Departed Poll
Well Frog, thanks for that. I'm ...
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Frog, you're a wealth of information and thots to ponder well into next week. I've begun putting post-its on all items in my place, you know, incase I loose at go-fish. Your Gran was darned lucky to have Tina Turner played at her service. Beats "Barney's greatest Hits" I love you, you love me, we're a happy family....
Irohner - lol well there's got to be some smiling mileage in what's otherwise a very sombre affair :)
And I'm thinking I'm not a great role model. I'm drink far too much vodka and have far too much fun for one person.
But then again ...
Irohner - lol well there's got to be some smiling mileage in what's otherwise a very sombre affair :)
And I'm thinking I'm not a great role model. I'm drink far too much vodka and have far too much fun for one person.
But then again ...
LOL! croak (oops, was that me?!) I'm going out to buy some Post It notes now! :D
Candie - lol Barney ... now that IS pretty dire ... and yes. As I've said before, I like to think of myself as uninformative. Consistently so ...
k@ri - yes yes. No doubt they'll be in short supply before much longer. And don't forget ... stick them somewhere obvious. Like your inside your jewellry box or maybe even your suspiciously expensive looking cup and saucer collection ;)
I had better get a move on. I think that they are trying to "off me" on my murder hub. Where can I get post-its on a sunday evening?
Paper - erm ... I'm thinking you may be out of luck. You got any kids in diapers? You could always cut one of those down. Use the sticky bit though eh?
I decided I wanted to go totally unorganized, hoping to leave my kids a big mess to clean up. I consider it Mom's revenge. :-)
My ashes are going in the douche bag and my stuff is going in the furnace with me, money too.
Thanks for sharing this information
my final curtain will be a bright shade of pink ;)
lol-croak hahaha
Post-its...I need to buy them in neon colours. Such a wonderfully simple idea FD...only you could have thought of it. My last and final testament on bright green post-its...how cool is that?
lol - ah really needed a bit of humor. Has been a somewhat sad weekend.
I just finished watching Quantum of Solace - love that man! Anyway, there was this scene where James throws Mathis' body into the garbage and the Bond babe asks - "Is this how you treat your friends?" And Bond says "He really wouldn't care". That's how I feel :)
and to frogdropping, I leave my pocket full of elastic bands, my hand drawn map of Lisbon fountains, and my espresso machine.
@ shiba- since you are feeling down, I leave you half of my bellybutton lint (would make for a nice dog bed)
WOO-HOO - bellybutton lint can be extremely yummy. Here's hoping that yours is the yummy kind. Who did you leave the other half to? Always good to know one's competition.
I don't care what they do. I'm planning on coming back for an encore performance anyway.
Well, thanks for making the subject of death fun to read about and discuss. So much of the gloom going on around nowadays, this hub came at just the right moment.
Coincidentally, the Neptune Society just sent me a pre-paid cremation offer. I put the postcard somewhere near the Post-its. Okay, people. I got the hint.
Very funny hub. I wouldn't mind a couple of your empties. Here in CA we get "California Redemption Value" for them!
ROFLMAO I don't know how you can make something so serious, so hilarious! This is great!
dori
Hahaha.........glad to have started my morning with this hilarious hub of yours. Household furniture that doubles as my final resting place...sounds really economical. ;) Thumbs up FD
Whikat - Can't fault you. Death is very personal. I'm all for freedom of choice. Seen as it's unavoidable and all that. Yep. Create a bun fight ...
ralwus - nice nice. I'd get that done on the QT. Informing the family (after a week of their frantic treasure hunting) of exactly where your riches are ...
Comp - thankyou. All in good fun you know :)
Janetta - pink. Am I surprised. Nope. Not a bit. I kind of expected a bit of glamour somewhere. And yes ... croak lol. Seriously, that tickled me :=
Feline - post-its rock. Everyone likes them. And no one can resist taking a peek at soemone elses post-it scribbling. Absolutely the best place to write your 'Now I'm Dead' instructions.
Shiba - umm. Bad week, sad week ... or both?
Paper - thanks. I guess.
Shiba - see how cool! Someone likes you enough to leave you their crap ...
Christoph - now you know what happens to the Recently Returned right? Involves lots of screaming, mayhem and general bible brandishing. And shovels.
Be warned ...
AIDY - hehe now what's gloomy anout this big ol' ball we live on huh?! Certain things in life are eventual. Why not poke a big stick at it and try and avoid it as best we can. Laughing whilst we're at it.
At least it makes old GR earn his keep. Or eternity :)
MM - Oh how nice. Salesmen for the afterlife. Only before. I wonder who's payroll they're on. Can't be the Old Guy in the sky. He's above cold hard. Probably the Four Donkeyriders of the Acropolis.
They always had their eye on the prize ...
fortune - lol can't resist this ... how can I make it so funny? DEAD easy lolol
Diana - well I don't know, I just think we're a happier bunch of beans when we're getting value for money. Some of those new style coffins are fab to be honest.
Many are far too good to go in the ground. And the willow ones would look great in anyone's conservatory. Or even in the garden.
Lol you stealing my Hands Up line, great hub as always ; )
BC - I have? Sorry - I literally just scribbled away! lol well ... being imitated is a sincere form of flattery :)
And thankyou!
Lol I am only joking, jeeez I owe you bigtime my friend and we both know it ; )
BC - no, you owe nothing to no one, least of all me. And I knew you were joking ;)
Where there is a will there is a fight.... shame we have to discuss these topics but we do.....
Brenda - yes, how right. Where's there's a will and all that. I don't see the big deal. You're done and gone. That's the point. Not what you leave. It's the fact that you left ... unfortunately many are too busy wondering what you left them ...
hehe frog--glamour is my middle name ;)
Shiba-LOVE daniel craig!! YUM :-P
Christoph can come haunt my apartment - anytime!!!
@Janetta
"Shiba-LOVE daniel craig!! YUM :-P"
Ok we can share him. But I get first dibs!! :D
Morbid humour at its best. I died laughing. God kicked me down as my time had not come. When I returned, I found my bike stolen.
Some nice humour with the good advice. We made our wills in the last few years having seen grasping at its best when my inlaws died. I worked at a funeral directors some years ago. Only in the office but have seen and heard all sorts. These days I work on a medical elderley ward at a hospital and trust me you need to be prepared :)
Janetta - I thought it was 'the'? *puzzled*
Candie - you do know haunting involves the afterlife don't you? Or do you have plans afoot? ... *eyeing Candie*
Shiba - first dibs? You sending sloppy seconds to Janetta? @Janetta - hehehe
bala - I tell you ... you're not dead five bloody minutes and someone's running of with your stuff ...
ethel - there's nowt as greedy, sneaky and downright in your face 'gimme gimme gimme' as your average family post funeral. Unless you class the anti-funeral type.
Now they're real dirty ...
Great Hub very funny but good serious advice tied up with a humourous bow,
Well Done FD
I'm sure Shiba will clean her man up when finished so he won't be sloppy for Candie. Won't she? she'll probably lick him clean. LOL
sixty - you know how it goes. Not even cold, still adjusting to being lifeless and there they all are, ripping your crap apart, fighting and mauling each othe half to death.
And that's just the wake ...
And thankyou :)
ralwus - errr lol you're casting aspersions upon her squeaky cleaness ... and her love of dogs! Besides ... I'm thinking that if Daniel Cragi is daft enough to get caught by a bunch of hubberhawts well he's just gotta take it like a man.
If Daniel gets caught by those two he will have no choice will he? LOL
ralwus - lol that's for sure. I'm thinking he'd be in a horrible mess ... lolol
You two - no fair - speaking behind our backs! Last time I talked to Daniel he said he would definitely be up for some licking and whatnot. He likes a chase tho so I have been practicing jumping on roofs, running on roofs, jumping on cranes and other construction equipment. If you stop your heckling we might even let you watch our youTube home video ;)
Wow I will bookmark this one, it is like a Martha Gardner's Book of Dead Hints. Love it.
Well shiba, get yer tongue in gear and go for him. You'll have Candie hot on yer paws fer sure tho'. LOL
shiba - lol I'm feeling a bit nasty. Licking eeuuuwww ;)
blonde - yes yes bookmark away. It's all true you know. Horribly horribly true ...
ralwus - yeah you tell it like it is. Etc.
Clever ! Thanks for putting some humor into usually such a dull (haha) topic.
alittle - yep you're not wrong ... dull. Not to mention inevitable!
hey-wait--you thought my middle name was 'the' ? As in Janetta the Beautiful? Janetta the Brilliant? Janetta the Besthubbereverandwelovehersomuchwecanbarelystandit?
not really understand all these yet
not really get this yet
Janetta - be number three. The complicated version of 'the best it' :)
Bon - try running it through your mind a few more times. If it doesn't sink in you've got a problem because that signifies that you've lost your mind. Somewhere.
roflmao!
I'm with Christoph, I plan on a repeat performance. Oh, but what about one's pets!? I will donate my Boris to the zoo, my Seraphina to a nice, rich fat lady.
Frieda - Cats are belonging of a higher order. Cat death involves ascension and fuzzy lighting. If they outlive you then just leave everything to them in your will. That should set the cat among the pigeons. lol.
I keep a file on my laptop's desk top called "when I die." I think it cover's the basics including threats of haunting if I I don't get my wishes.
haha I like Randy's idear :D
FD
LOL I'm liking your hubs as they make me realize that I'm a little saner than what I would normally consider myself. But back on the topic. Since I would prefer to umm check out on a rainy day, I'd have to learn how to raindance! :D
Randy - haunting is actually an automatic right to the newly departed. Frog Fact #98
Janetta - it's ok in practice. The theory is however a little different ...
Cris - Yep. I'm 80% insane. And 20% inane ...
Thanks for this useful tips! I'm currently preparing redundancies in the event of my sudden death, as likely as it may be.
good hub useful tips
lrohner says:
4 months ago
Frog, you are the only person I know that could make the subject of death absolutely hilarious! I want to be you when I grow up...