Dating and Divorce
92After originally writing this piece I have somewhat changed my mind about how I view the ex-husband and his new girlfriend. At first I thought maybe the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend should be open to their ex dating someone new, but if there are kids involved this might be tricky. Many women have expressed concerns about their children being around women that they might consider to be a bad influence on their offspring. Of course it is still practical to work these issues out with your ex rather than dragging him to court over it, but ultimately it is up to you. Honestly no one wants more drama for the kids than the divorce has already caused, so it i always in your best interest to try and get along with their father. He could be dating a woman you would never invite to your house, but keep in mind that the two of you are no longer together anymore, so why should you care who he spends his time with. If you seem bitter or mean spirited he could hold these views against you later on, especially if he decides to marry the new girlfriend.
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Should Divorced Parents Really Be Dating?
To me there are certain circumstances where it might be fair for a single parent to date, such as if they are the only parent raising the kids on their own. In those circumstances they may be interested in creating a new family, and providing a new mom and dad for their kids, even though this substitute could never stand in for the original. However, I have always had to wonder about people that rush out to date so soon after a divorce, especially when there are kids involved.
Not be rude or anything guys, but maybe you should be spending some quality time with yourselves trying to figure out why your last relationship did not work out, and not rushing to get in another committed relationship. I only say this as an observer, but there is the perception in our society that people have to be paired off to find happiness and stability. Maybe some of those days spent out looking for new dates could be better spent on building a tree house for your kids for the next time they come to visit. I am not trying to come down on single parents like a ton of brick, but why do you need to be in a relationship so soon after the divorce?
Yes eventually you might want to date and remarry, but maybe just take two or three years away from the dating scene. Does this thought induce a panick attack? Guess what? I am a thirty-one year old woman who has pretty much been single my entire life, despite a few dates that never really went anywhere. I feel no void in my life whatsoever, and I can say if I were divorced and had kids dating would be the last thing on my mind. Heck even right now dating seems really unappealing, but I am not a serial monogamist, so this might be disconcerting to those who fall in that category. All I am saying is try to take a few years away from the dating scene and invest the time in your family and kids. Keep things as much the same as they used to be, which will help to create rituals of balance in the kids life.
Now what is worst than being a single monogamist? It is the man who has a door of revolving girlfriends traipsing in and out of the kids lives. I do not mean the pick on the guys here because many women also have a revolving door of men, but this hub request is not exactly about that. The request is about how the ex-wife should deal with your new girlfriend, and the truth is she should not have to be dealing that much with her. Not to be overly harsh or rude, but if you have a need to hook up limit to the days and weekends when your kids are not around. Consenting adults have the right to engage in no strings attached relationship with other consenting adults, but do your kids have to know about it? Believe me it will bother you kids to see a revolving door of men or women coming in and out of the house, so limit it to your alone time. If you need to go on a date arrange to have a babysitter and tell the kids you are going out for a bit. This would be much better than subjecting the kids to all of that drama.
Also, keep in mind you do not have to date right away, and sometimes it is better to just spend time with the kids. Some men and women end up having more kids sooner than they wanted (or planned) because they were dating in the heat of the moment. Just something to think about.
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Comments
rockinjoe,
I also grew up with both parents, but I made the unfortunate mistake of dating a guy with two kids. The kids were lovely, but it was obivious they still had some unresolved issues and jealousy with each other. I also have friends who are divorced or not married to the father of their children, but they do whatever it takes to make the relationship stable and healthy for the kids. One thing I think that is important to separate is your feeling for the new girlfriend from how the kids will feel about her. Kids do not need to be exposed to our personal feuds with other adults because they will just be upset, confused, and sad about the whole matter. I am sharing from things I have heard, but since I have never gone through a divorce I cannot say how they feel. All I can say is I have seen single parents handle the situations with the children's best interests in mind.
SweetiePie,
I have many years experience with this exact situation. You are so right about dealing with the children. I was very young at the time but wise enough to know that the children should not be used as pawns. I am friends with all of them and we stay in touch. The one we all let go of for the most part was the wayward Father who never learned the meaning of commitment or parenting.
Ex#1 and #2 remarried "meemees"...women who couldn't stand that Hubby had been married to someone else. Mrs. Ex#1 went so far as to make him cut me (and my family) off from our daughters, and he *let* her...because it turned out she was abusing them (and he *knew* she was).
Partly because of that and partly because of the way he was raised, Ex#2 and I *never* kept our daughter from either side of the family. Even when we couldn't be in the same room without wanting to kill each other, that didn't change. Go figure then that his Current Wife (I still call her that after 25 years to remind her some Other Woman *could* wreck their marriage like she wrecked ours) brainwashed my daughter into letting she and him move in "to help with the kids", effectively making visits to said daughter and grandchildren impossible. Also making communication impossible with my ex, who has no idea she hangs up if I call. Since they live almost a thousand miles away, it's not like I can pop over there when she isn't around. But I'm happy to say the kids aren't blinded by her BS. They know who their REAL grandma is...always smother me with kisses and hugs whenever I do see them, which I'm told they don't do to her. (Surprise?)
So to those women who re-write history to exclude the First Wife - grow up! Grandchildren don't stay children forever. As the granddaughter of a woman who thought her secrets would remain secret, they don't, and when those kids finally know the facts, they'll hate *you*.
C.S. Alexis,
Thanks for sharing your experiences, I always appreciate your comments.
JamaGenee,
Interesting and sad story. I am sorry you had to go through all that, but as you said your grandchildren love you and know how great you are. Embrace the good and smile because they know you love them :).
My moms Parents divorced when my mom and uncle were young teens I think. And they managed to keep it straight. Since my mom and her brother mainly lived with their mom, She would tell Grandpa of all their interests and school functions and the what not. I did not know my Grandmother, but I know from what my mom said, she was a great lady.
If God forbid, Sean and I were to split, I think we would be okay. Who knows.
Cherish,
Think you and Sean will never split, you guys are way too great of a couple. I think it is good in your family how your grandparents were still able to get along. Most of the people I know that are divorced or not married to their ex get along with the kids. I think when parents want to act like children and be dysfunctional that some people have problems, but most parents no better than to do this.
I came from a broken home....well broken several times over....anyway, dysfunction is my normality. I know how to make the best of it, and as a matter of fact I feel almost overwhelmed when I have to spend too much time in a "normal" household. It just seems too perfect to me. I have also spent much of my adult life with men that already have children from prior relationships. How this turns out is all up to you and him. Ex#1 behaved as though I didn't exist when his son was around. I grew hateful and jealous because I was being made to feel that I was good enough to have around in private but not good enough to be a part of the family. I locked myself in my room when the child was over. I'd pick fights with the man for days afterward. I hated myself, him, and the poor child because of the childish way my ex was acting. I was wrong for feeling that way, but I have learned from the experience and I now know how to cope in a healthier way. After I figured out what was going on, I became more or a parent to the child than either of his real parents. I don't have to be the center of a man's universe, but I do want my man to speak to me, regardless of who is present.
My current boyfriend, on the other hand, talks to me for hours on the phone with his son right there, lets me talk to the boy for a while, then takes the phone back and continues our conversation where we left off. We are a family, not separate units, and that is such a rewarding experience.
Rainbow Brite,
Cool online name by the way! You have only seen the Polyanna side of a family with two parents because I can assure you all families have some dysfunction. Some families put on a show in the presence of others, but when people are not around they are arguments and such. Maybe some families with two parents do act very "perfect" as you are describing, but I know my family did not fit this description. I am an introvert and a peace seeker, so I just prefer to have the least amount of people interaction possible. I mean I like to talk with my family on all, but getting in the center of an argument is just too much drama for me. I literally would walk away from situations where my sister wanted to argue over something, so believe me there can still be drama in a household with both parents.
I am glad your new boyfriend and you get along with his son, this sounds great. Personally based on past experience I will never date a man with kids again, unless maybe his kids are all grown up. There are just way too many personalities involved when a man has kids because you have to be friends with his ex-wife too. In my past experiences it seem the ex-wife and the kids liked me more than he did, which was kind of weird. Well it made sense in that he just really was not that into me, but weird in that I was the one dating him. I did not argue or fight with him about it, I just stopped calling him and he stopped calling me. Currently I am happy to be single for a very long time until I find dating relationship that mostly stress free because this is my personal preference.
WOW! This is great advice for anyone in the situations you presented. I am very impressed. ;)
Hi Sirdent,
Thanks these are just things I saw my savvy separated friends do. I noticed the ones who never had extra drama in their life supress their personal feelings about the ex when the children are around, and that is the way things should be so the kids do not feel like the arguments are their fault. one family friend we knew used to fight openly with his wife about her afairs and called her all sort of nasty names, which sort of backfired I believe. His daughter never wanted to be with him after seeing him defame her mom in public. It is best to keep your personal feelings about an ex to yourself, or only tell the ex about these in private.
All for the kids! That's what it ultimately comes down to. I agree with your approach. That's a sensible way to deal with this situation.
The best approach is to remember kids are kids and the parent of kids *should* act like an adult. Same for whoever he/she is dating.
btw, Rainbow Brite, if a guy pretended I didn't exist when his child was present, it'd only happen ONCE. I wouldn't stick around for an encore. But a big cheer that you found a guy who *doesn't* treat you like that!!
Yeah, I agree that I put up with it longer than I should have and I initially reacted in a very poor, childish fashion. But I love kids and I hope to have my own at some point. Until then, I love my lil ready made family!
anjalichugh,
Very good point. The kids are first always.
JamaGenee,
Thanks for all of your advice you have offered people in this situation.
Rainbow Brite,
Well the past is the past, and it sounds like you have learned some lessons about the type of relationship you want. At least now you are in a good one, s othat is positive.
My parents, my other half's parents, all our grandparents, a boring stayed-married lot.
If we split up, I'd do my best to make sure our son didn't miss out too much. But I'm hoping we won't!
SweetiePie, yet another mature and reasoned piece of advice from you. Everything you suggest works for all concerned, whether the former spouses or the new love interests. It seems like common sense, doesn't it? But it is so much harder to do when those awful emotions of divorce and custody are involved. Anything/everything we can do to protect the children is effort well spent.
Mighty Mom,
Yes you are very correct that in practice it is not always possible to control how someone else will behave, but I think parents can truly spare their kids the messy divorce proceedings if they want to. I really do not think highly of my ex as a boyfriend, but he and his ex-wife were always civil about how they acted in front of the kids. My other friends are not always happy with their exs, but I never see them having those all out battles in front of the kids. Once I saw a lady fighting with her ex husband in front of the daughter about how she did not want the new girlfriend to come to the daughter's birthday party. He asked her if they could talk about it another time because he did not want the daughter or people in public being explose to that argument. Did not mean to hear, but I hear some of what they said and he pointed out she was remarried, so why did she care if his new girlfriend came? It seems easier for all involved if people just allow all the adults involved to come to the birthday, especially since they are in the kids life.
a great hub , hope it never happens to me but its all too easy for the kids to get affected in somthing that is really not their fault.
As a parent I always knew if I wanted the best for my children I should expose them to different things, good things. My problem is not that he has a new woman in his life. My problem is that the new woman is my ex-best friend. Now if I am one of those people who believe practice what you preach then why would I want that type of character around my young impressionable daughter. It's bad enough that I do have to tolerate her father for her sake but I don't intend to expose her to a woman I could never be. There is too many fishes in the sea for me to want to go after one of my girlfriends hubands. But I do understand where you are coming from. So thank you.
This is a good hub showing quite a different slant to the one I travailed. cheers
Thank you ajcor :).
Great Hub! I agree with you 100%
I have been married for over sixteen years and I have not experienced this sort of situation. However, I believe that any relationship that involves children should be handled with maturity – This simply means you must put your emotions and personal feelings in check as much as possible.
Except you have a genuine reason for not wanting you children around the new girl friend (or boyfriend for that matter). Just keep your cool and try to go on with your life.
Acting out of jealousy or spite always results in complicated court cases and eventually hurt the kids.
You may be the ex or the new woman or man – the bottomline is absolute sensitivity to the feelings of the innocent children involved.
Pricelessway,
Thanks for sharing this because honestly I believe it is possible to protect children from our personal jealous feelings. Also, it is good to keep in mind that not only married and divorced people have been hurt this way. I have been dumped several times by guys who made it clear they wanted to see other people, and on one occasion the guy was alluding to it before we broke up.
I do not have kids, but if I saw them in public I would not be upset. No one is saying the the ex-wife has to be best friends with the ex and his new wife, but getting along in public is manageable I believe. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Thanks for the great post! I am the girlfriend right now, or actually fiance. She is less than kind to me but has no idea that I actually defend her to her ex-husband. I raised my kid alone and understand there are times you get frustrated. I only hope she comes around to see that I am not that bad and I do not plan on taking over her job of mom. I raised my kid and she will do the same with hers but with extra support if she needs it.
Thanks for the great post!
Thanks for sharing your experiences sciencewith me.
Glad you enjoyed this hub octanmens.
This is a must read kind of hub. I liked the topic.
Divorce does lead to some pretty sticky situations - especailly when kids are involved. A lot of my friends growig up went through a lot of pain because parents divorced. It's sad and I wish it never happened, but most people don't take marriage as seriously as they ought to and it ends up happening anyway. It makes me sad.
Your advice is pretty useful though since divorce is a reality.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Joe.
I know both sides of the situation all too well. My ex-husband is dating a girl that I really don't care for. My daughter has told me some things that bother me a great deal. I have tried talking about it to my ex, but he never listens. I am also dating a man who is divorced, with two kids of his own. His kids are great, and we all get along well, but his ex seems to be very jealous, and has acted out in mean, and spiteful ways against the both of us. It's not an easy situation, no matter what side you are on.
It is very much a difficult situation, I agree with you Anna. I honestly do not even date anymore, but if I ever do again I have no desire to date a man with kids because of my past experiences.
Hello I am a 34yr old newly single mom. My 2yr old daughters father (we never married) walked out on us in Nov. 08 citing he needed his own space (yet he has had five different roomates, three other guys currently live in the bachelor pad now) and when I accused him of not wanting a family (he said, pretty much). He has been perfectly fine coming to my residence to visit her whenever he wanted. His past drinking and driving and bad driving record really makes me hesitate to let him drive our daugher anywhere, this was prior to the new girlfriend. Although he wasn't paying child support I still wanted him to have a close relationship with our daughter (the last thing I wanted was for him to accuse me of keeping him away from our daughter). He is mentally abusive, berates and belittles me and I could never want him back. I expected him to eventually move on to another woman and keep his romantic life, his life/relationship with our daughter seperate and he and I would have minimal contact.
He called me late March 09 and wanted to take our daughter out on a Sat. I found this odd being that he has never wanted to take our daughter anywhere even refusing to get a car seat so I wouldn't "stick her with him" ruining his schedule. He also had been acting very distant, short and was no longer asking me for intimacy, we were last together Feb 09. I figured he had was seeing someone which was ineveitable and fine. I asked if he could just spend the time with our daughter and leave his girlfriend at home. He then says well if the person is nice what's the difference. After interrogating him after he was hestating to tell me who else would be therer come to find out he wanted to go on a make shift family outing with his new girlfriend (of one month) and her small child. I told him I don't agree with that, I felt that was not appropriate and to just spend time with our daughter. He refused and did not want to agree to that. We had already agreed a few months before to keep any new companions at arms length from our child.
He has become very hostile, unbelievable shouting matches have taken place via telephone. I no longer feel compelled to pick up the phone to avoid the threats of court, arrest, cursing me out etc. I told him he is perfectly welcomed to visit our child but just him he is refusing to agree to that and now accusing me of keeping our daughter away from him. He no longer calls to speak to our daughter and has long since stopped visiting her in my presence even before the shouting matches (I believe as a homage to loyalty to his new girlfriend). I told him that we both have to make sure if & when we date the other person understands we have a small child therefore some kind of contact with the other parent is necessary but he thinks that he can arrange visits and so forth without "any" contact. He seems to not realize I'm not just some ex-girlfriend, I'm the mother of his child. I do not want my daughter eventually noticing that we now cannot stand each other or be around each other. If he is going to continue disrespecting me (especially in the girlfriends presence as I overheard her in the background during a phone conversation) then courts may be the only solution. I told him our daughter needed him not his new girlfriend he then blurted out my daughter needed his new girlfriend, I told him he had lost his mind. I could never feel comfortable with his visitations even if the new girlfriend is on the up and up. BTW he quit the job it took four months to get child support from so I have to start the process all over again, he is a boderline deadbeat. I feel he is trying to use my daughter to impress the new girlfriend who is also a single mother and probably has sense enough to spot a deadbeat. Am I wrong to feel the way I do?
Singlemommy,
This hub is about families where the father is stable and the ex simply does not want them to visit because she does not like the new girlfriend. Your case is completely different than the experiences I have outlined here, so if you do not want your kids around him that is the best move for you. Do what is right for you.
Thank you. I don't know the new girlfriend but I sorta pity her. In hind site after reading the comments the fathers noted did not seem to be villianous and unattentive to their children. Have a blessed one!
singlemommy,
I am sure his current girlfriend will get sick of him eventuallly. Personally I do not date men with kids because of all the situations you have described, and while the ones I dated in the past were nice to their kids, they had been jerks to their ex-wives and girlfriends. Part of me thinks a guy with kids should not even be dating if he is so selfish, but who am I to say. It sounds like your ex needs to get some counseling and figure out how to be a good father before he even has a girlfriend though.
I feel the same way. I try to stay clear of men with children especially the men with small ones, there's usually alot of emotion involved. I remember once seeing a guy who had a six year old daughter, loving father but I think he had been a jerk to the mother. We weren't serious but I would like to have been. I used to want to spend Friday nights with him but alot of times he was with his daughter. Although I thought that was great and necessary I still remember feeling just a little bit of envy deep down inside because I wanted to be with him. I never expressed that feeling and I felt bad for feeling that way. Another friend of mine was dating a guy who had a child. When he went shopping for school clothes with the mother and the child she admitted to me being a little jealous. She too kept those feelings to herself in regards to the father/her boyfriend. It's natural to feel that way but not so much to express it and put the father in a compromising position. I feel now that I don't really have so much a luxury to want to date a man without children when I have one, lol. Honestly dating is the last thing on my mind, parenting is the first. I spent my single days praying for a man and my relationship days (with lousy dad) wanting to be single, lol. Great blog, keep up the good work & take care!
Hi singlemommy,
I am sure you can meet men who do not have kids even though you have a child. Personally I just do not look into dating much, but I remember there a couple of websites that were dedicated to parents dating. Dating a man with kids probably works for some people, but I just know for me it is too much going on. I hope you meet someone you like soon.
The hub is great - and your comments are great, too! Very good advice, but it is very difficult to put one's feelings aside sometimes. I am glad I am not in the situation.
great hub! I completely agree with you that we should control our emotions in order our children feel ok.... but in reality it's very difficult to do!
Good Hub....unfortunately most of the time the wife ( or ex-wife) doesn't follow this advice. Take the case of my husbands ex. She turned her kids against me. She stalked and assaulted me and threatened to kill me and my baby. She even tried to break into my hospital room when I gave birth to my son. Be aware that I met him after they were already in the divorce and she was the one who left him for some other guy. But she didn't want her ex to have anyone. Oh she gave us hell for years. She was and is a Psycho.
I wish more people could be at least civil with eachother. I mean we are all adults, you know? GOOD HUB, I liked your points!
Hi jjrubio,
That is really scary on her part. How on earth does someone have the audacity to break into someone's hospital room. I am glad things are working out for you and your husband, but stories such as these make me never want to date men who have kids from other relationships.
If people are dating and their are kids and an ex in the picture, it would be nice if everyone got along as adults. There is just too much childish behavior between adults I have noticed though.
hi sp
thanks for the wonderful insight. I divorced my ex over a year + ago, and have a similar attitude-for one we are all adults and the kids are only kids, and we have the direct power to keep egos in check and make decisions and act in ways that will only be positive examples and situations for our kids. Like so many, he started an affair with a mutual friend and is still with her, so it does sting slightly when my kids mention how much they like her, but then I certainly wouldn't want them to be spending any amount of time with someone they didn't like. Do I respect her or my ex-nah, but that is something I can deal with , my kids certainly don't need to carry that burden. Interesting to hear the perspective from the other side, you being a single woman dating men with kids. I find a certain comfort in dating men with kids, but I don't date them exclusively...they come with their own set of pros and cons...they are good with kids, understand an erratic schedule, but they have less time to devote to a relationship if they are with their own kids a lot, (obviously) and the logistics can sometimes be hectic, like finding mutual free time. Plus I am not a fan of introducing my kids to anyone that I am dating casually...I have made that mistake in even a very innocuous playdate type of meeting, but my kids have over active imaginations and began literally planning the wedding after one afternoon together....
thanks for the article
Good points Miss Behaving. One thing I think that is good about your ex-husband having a new girlfriend means you can find someone of quality. It may hurt you that he left, but there is usually a probablity that he will do the same thing to the new girlfriend, so you are so much better without that player. I like your mature attitude regarding your kids and who they met. Thanks for sharing.
Well, I believe people are too callous in their quest for love and relationships. Far too many people claim they want lasting marriages, however they choose the "right now" qualities. There would not be nearly so many divorces and infidelity if some things would begin to change in this nation. Two of them being the sale of sex and the neglect of children.
As you probably gather from my hubs, I enjoy controversial topics, or sometimes merely adding my own to the fray. Just had to comment.
Thanks for sharing urimidden. I am glad you are willing to share what you have to say.
I used be the new girlfriend of a guy who has an ex. The ex use to be ok with me until I got married to my guy. She became crazed an obessive over her daughter and her ex. She never acted that way in the beginning. She was always nice to me and I her. Never disrepectful. I like your hub. Its good to look at both sides of the coin. It must of been difficult for her to see me and my husband together. I tried to be understanding and considerate about it. But sometimes people are just going to be foolish when it comes to these situatuions. I just kept being me and I learned to love my new step daughter. It was easy she's my baby girl. She's all grown up now and we have the best relationship. I just wish her mom would let go of the past so her relation with our daughter could be better. Divorce is hard for a child so I worked very hard at making my daughter feel comfortable. I took alot of the abuse from the ex for her. I do it again that is just how much my daughter means to me. The ex and me well don't even know why she changed. Still somewhat of a puzzle to me but I am glad my girl is doing well.
Ok never wrote on one of these before but here I go. I got divorced about 5 months ago, was seperated 4 months before that. I have 3 kids all boys, the oldest I adopted when I first got married. I hate divorce and never thought I would be here writing about it but here I am. Somethings aren't meant to be no matter how hard you try to make them be. I learned that the hard way. my ex was a habitual liar, couldn't be trusted and a depressive person. I tried for 5 years to make it work just got to a point where I didn't want to be miserable just so the kids would have a mom and dad in the same house. I figured they would rather have a happy dad versus a dad that was always miserable!? Now I have a girlfriend, been with her for about 7 months now, (I know some people think that is fast but when you are in a situation where all you want is out the thinking of married had left me along time before the actual divorce, never cheated just didn't think of myself as married) she came from a broken home and we both have an understanding that we don't want to get married until we are 100% for sure that is what we want. Even then things change but atleast we are thinking the same way. I live in a different State than the kids and ex, so seeing the kids isn't as easy as some have it. Reading what others have written about their experiences have helped me realize a lot about mine. My girlfriend loves me and kids, but it is hard for her when the kids come here to stay. She thinks that she is seperate from what is going on when they are here. I wasn't sure why so much at first but I can see now some of the feelings behind the thinking. I make every effort possible to make everyone feel like they are getting the attention needed by me, which is not an easy task! I guess what I want to know from someone who has been here and done it is does it get easier? I know the girlfriend and I have a great relationship and anytime you put something into the mix that creates unknowns you are going to have uncertainty. Just want to know how others have handled this. Thanks sorry its long
Chris,
You sound like a nice guy that cares about his girlfriend, so to me it sounds like the two of you will be just fine. When I dated a guy with kids he was just not that into me, which is why things did not work so well.
I sure hope so! Seems like it all might be too overwhelming for her? Not sure if it will pass or not? Thanks for the response.
Chris,
I think it also helps both of your situation since the ex lives out of state, which allows your girlfriend to have more of a bond with your kids when they are visiting with you. Today I read a blog where someone follows the zin theory of just letting things be without to much effort to change situations because what is going ot happen will happen. Just enjoy the time you have with your girlfriend, and if things are meant to be the two of you will survive this together. At least you are trying to make her feel comfortable, so that is good!
Hi - I too have never written on this hub - but it seems like a great one to vent for a minute about my divorce issue. My ex & I were together for 12 yrs. (married for 5). We split when our daughter was two and she's now eight.
We split when I found out he was having an affair with my Best Friend (and had been for quite a while). For the first couple of years after we separated, he kept his life with her totally underground. We live in a relatively small town - but still - everyone knows everyone. Needless to say, I was crushed, humiliated, devastated - the betrayal was unbelievable. Now - here's where dealing with the ex and his "girlfriend" comes into play. It had been pretty much agreed on that the children (hers was eight when her husband dumped her) would be left out of this. She would stay away from mine, vice versa. (although I have little reason to see hers). Fast forward. We are all in our forties now. My daughter is eight - and suddenly they are out of the closet, so to speak, with their relationship and this Judas is around my child. Not only do I still hate this woman with an intensity beyond belief - I don't believe she has any moral grounding whatsoever (now that I know the type of lying she is capable of, etc. - she still lives in her "party" days from the 80's (up for some weed? EVERY day? in the morning even? when you are 45 years old?? gross). Last night I found out she and ex took my daughter to a guy's house for a party (a known guy score pot from - he's gotta be 55) - where there were NO children other than my daughter and a few teenage boys.
What in the world do I do here?? Anything I say to my ex about Judas make him explode/scream/yell/hang up, etc. Maybe it's a one time thing - the party - but I doubt it.
My problem with my ex's chick is driving me crazy! And we are all, right here in the same town. No luxury of state line division.
Sorry this is so long. But I sure to have alot crammed inside of me. Any advice would be great.
Hi Clarissa,
In your case sounds complicated and I suggest maybe you seek the advice of a legal professional if you think your daughter is in danger around your ex and his new girlfriend. The people I have known that had ex's and new girlfriends never exposed their kids to partying and wild behavior, so your case is more delicate. Maybe you can talk to a lawyer in your town and they can give you some good ideas about what to do. This sounds very complicated.
True. Even if I subtracted any party situations from the issue it is still an absolute mess.
Legally, I'm sure I would have to practically have video footage to prove any "wrongdoing".
But just in terms of dealing with her in general - her with my daughter - I just can't deal with it.
My best friend for 10+ years. It's just sick. I know it's been a few years. But still. It is too hard for me to act like this is okay when I still have a hard time believing either one of them was even capable of creating this whole mess. I don't know who they are anymore.
Complicated is right!
Clarissa,
I am not sure what state you live in, but in California I have known friends that have primary custody of their kids because of the way their ex-husbands act around them. However, that is up to you of course.
very informative article!
Glad found this hub informative.
Great hub! my husband asked me for a divorce not to long ago due to personal issues he is going through both my 2 children didnt understand what i did wrong and they were hard on me even a 8 and 5 they understood. Its all about the kids i agreeeeeeeeee!
Rachel,
It sounds like your family has the kid's best interest in mind. It must be hard to get a divorce, but at least both of you will be happier in the long run, which is better for the kids.
Like I've written before too, what you say is so right! Too bad it doesn't work out that way for some of us. Thanks for the great post.
ljrc1961,
You are right, sometimes circumstance can be very difficult. However, sometimes people make things more difficult then they have to be.
Great hub, I liked it. I was stepmom to 2 kids, had a ready made family. His MOTHER was the one who interfered the most--his ex-wife moved out of state. I really had to keep my lip zipped when his MOTHER was around. She did nothing but criticize and make negative comparisions about the kids' REAL mother, to me, but she was so great with the kids, her grandkids. She couldn't have been a better grandma to the kids; she couldn't have been a worse mother-in-law to me. I bore it as gracefully as I could manage.
Your advice is good advice and I hope people who have these issues presently read this hub.
Paradise,
It is funny because a personal experience taught me why not putting yourself in this situation would be best. If I were you I could not have bore just being silent about the mistreatment towards you because that is abuse. Even my own grandma used to try and make my mom feel bad in front of us, so I finally started speaking out. She did not like it, and my grandpa actually acknowledged things were said that could hurt people's feelings. However, I feel so many people go through life with the need to feel better than others, and we should not allow this. I just think some people have too much of a power trip when it comes to family relationships, and even her grandchildren will pick up on this. It would not hurt people to lighten up a bit in these matters.
SweetiePie, thanks for writing a hub like this one. I'm fortunate to have grown up with both parents and I'm single, but I know that this is a situation which more and more people find themselves in, in today's world. It's all too easy to view the new girlfriend as a homewrecker without even getting to know her. Relationships can get very complicated when kids are involved...
Thanks for sharing your insight macrofratelli :). I always appreciate your comments here.
Good advice. One thing to be on the lookout for is, the new girlfriend may appear nice and in fact is a witch. I know it sounds a bit mad, but this is exactly what happened to me and I found out too late after she has already harmed my kids emotionally. The father did not stand up for his own kids!!
That could be the case quite often. Personally I think men with kids need to spend less time dating, and more time with their kids. I know this sounds harsh, but if your first marriage did not work out, maybe you should figure out why you need to get back in the game so soon. Some people just cannot handle being single and on their own, and they must move from one relationship to another.
You give good counsel, SweetiePie! :)
Kenny,
I truly appreciate your sincere comments.
rockinjoe says:
10 months ago
Great advice. I'm glad I grew up in a stable environment with both parents. I hope people in the unfortunate situation of putting their children through a divorce or break up read this and heed your advice.