The Family Bed
74Co-Sleeping: Our Story
When I was pregnant with my first child 10 years ago, we had no idea what the family bed and co-sleeping was all about. Honestly, I don't think we had ever heard of it. In preparing for the arrival of our first child, we went out and purchased a nice crib, decorated the nursery and did what all expectant parents did. We had no idea that our child would never once sleep in her crib.
We kind of just fell into the co-sleeping routine. My daugther did not like her crib, she did not sleep well if she was not next to my husband or I and basically the only way to get any sleep was to bring her in with us.
Do you know what? We all slept better. We all enjoyed the closeness. We found out that we all liked the family bed. It worked for our family.
We now have three children ages 10, 7 and 3. My two older girls slept in our bed the majority of the time until they were 4-5 years old. Now both girls spend most of the night in their own beds. Occasionally, one will come into our bed in the early morning or during the night. But, it is becoming less and less frequent. My youngest child is 3. He still sleeps with us full time.
As I mentioned above, we really knew nothing about the family bed when we first started to incorporate it into our nightly routine. Therefore, we were not aware of the very important safety issues parents must consider before making the decision to co-sleep with their child. As much as I hate to admit this, in the beginning, our family bed was not the safest environment for a baby. I guess we were lucky that nothing happened during that time. Thank God. We did learn about these safey issues shortly thereafter, so our bed did become a safe environment for our children. I will cover some of these safety issues below, but I strongly urge anyone considering co-sleeping to do all of the necessary research before bringing their babies into bed with them.
There is still a lot of controversary surrounding co-sleeping. It is a topic that generally arouses a heated debate between those on both sides of the argument. However, as a parent, you have to do what is best for your family and your baby. Over the years, friends and family have made their "comments" regarding our sleeping arrangements, but that is okay. At the end of the day, it is our decision.
My best advice to you is do your research, be educated, be safe. But, most importantly, follow your heart.
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Facts about Co-Sleeping
- Co-sleeping with your baby is the norm in most other countries
- America remains the only country where placing your baby in their own bed in their own room is the norm
- Sharing your bed with an infant is still controversial in the United States
- Co-sleeping means different things to different families. The basis of co-sleeping is sharing your sleep environment with your baby. Your baby can be in bed with you, in a bassinet next to your bed or on a mattress on the floor in your room
- Since co-sleeping is not socially accepted in the U.S., there are many "closet" co-sleeping families out there who chose to keep their sleeping arrangements private. Many believe that the statistics currently available on co-sleeping are slightly skewed due to this.
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Family Bed Safety
- Do not sleep with your baby if you are under the influence of any drugs. This includes alcohol, prescription medications or illegal drugs
- Do not sleep with your baby if you are exhausted or overtired from lack of sleep
- Do not sleep with your baby if you are obese
- Do not sleep with your baby on a waterbed or other type of 'sinky' surface
- Do not overbundle your baby
- Remove pillows, quilts and other soft materials from your bed
- Do not sleep with your baby if you are a smoker
- Babies should sleep next to the Mother as opposed to between Mother and Father. This is because Mothers are generally more aware of the babies presence while sleeping
- As always, place your baby on their back to sleep
- Older children, especially toddlers, should not sleep in the bed with a baby
- Your headboard and/or footboard should not contain any cutouts or openings that can trap your baby
- Do not place your bed near blinds or drapes where your child can get tangled in the cord
Love this Family Bed scene from Desperate Housewives!
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Family Bed Myths BUSTED!
The family bed will ruin our sex life!
The reality is that the family bed will actually enhance your sex life because you and your spouse will become more creative as to where and when you are intimate. Variety is the spice of life!
My child will grow up being needy
My children are all indepedent, well-adjusted kids. They have a lot of friends and are not fearful of trying new things. I firmly believe that by providing our children with a sleep environment where they felt safe and loved as an infant helped them to build independence and self-confidence. Instead of having them cry in their cribs at night all alone, we welcomed them into our arms and into our bed, therefore, letting them know that we will always be there for them. As they get older and go out into the world, that feeling of security will stay with them and help them deal with whatever life throws at them.
My child will NEVER leave the family bed
That is untrue. As I wrote above, my daughters ages 7 & 10 are both out of the family bed. They do occasionally come in for a visit during the night, but not very often. I always joke with my husband that if our 17 year old child comes home from a date, throws their car keys on the table and hops into bed with us, then we have a problem! Until then, I am not going to worry about it.
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Family Bed Poll
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Co-Sleeping Discussions
This info adds credence to the works a psychiatrist friend in Missouri has done for many years that reveals that lack of bonding contributes a fertile ground for severe mental disorders seeded in children to develop when they are older and that the family bed can help prevent this. Its nto proof, but adds ammunition to the results of her research.
There is too much concern over child molestation in America to make it workable, perhaps, after the age of 1 or 2. I don't know. America is concerned with suffocation as well. I have no children and no experience with the matter.
Thanks for the Hub, Thumbs Up.
excellent...
I always bow out of those heated debates about allowing your child into your bed. I don't have kids yet, but am a believer in the "family bed." My younger brother always slept with my mom or me, and I loved it (being 8 years older, I was a bit parental towards him). Later, when I lived with my aunt and uncle, I witnessed all three of their children sleeping in the parents' bed. They all sleep in their own beds now, and are some of the nicest and well-behaved children I have ever met.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this topic. I enjoyed reading all of the different viewpoints.
Great topic. I have a 2-year-old she has slept with us for most of her first year.. She's a light sleeper. We put her twin bed and our queen bed next to each other. At night when she wakes up I can put my hand on her and she will continue to sleep. We are technically not in the same bed but we sleep right next to each other. I think all sleeping is very important for the development of the child.
Great hub!
Hi Janet,
As a kid along time ago I slept with my mother as often as I liked till I was about 12. I still have fond memories and as a way of family bonding I highly recommend it.
I have no idea if it affected my parents sex life and quite frankly I dont even want to go there.
Thanks for the Hub.
creeeeeeepy. sleeeeeepy.
This is all good material to support the cause for the Family Bed creating healthy children.
Unfortunately i rolled over on a cat once, did no damage because he fled quickly; but a child, I don't know. I suppose you become more aware.
@DJ: Not exactly sure what your comment means. Feel free to elaborate. ;)
@Patty: Yes, parents do become much more aware, especially mothers. As I mentioned, they do recommend not placing the baby in between the parents, but next to the mom instead. However, if you are concerned about rolling onto your baby, you could always purchase a co-sleeper or side car crib and put this next to the bed instead of actually placing your baby in your bed. You will still receive the benefits of co-sleeping, but will have the added safety.
Well, it comes down to what works for the couple, but I think it's a terrible idea. Beyond the safety issues, I think kids need to understand that they are NOT the equals of their parents and that their is a relationship that was in place prior to their birth that needs to be respected. With a fifty-percent failure rate in marriage, I think the last thing that stands as a good idea is to find ways to separate couples.
I think the "family bed" idea is much more favorable to moms who are, as you said, more aware of the movements of the child. Not just from some maternal alertness, but from biology. I know that someone can toss up some anectdotal, "well my husband was even more nurturing than me," etc. Yeah, well, as lovely as that is, the truth is, men love their wives as women first and mother's second except in very rare cases. It's well documented that some men even get jealous when babies are born because the couple goes from being two-stars in a binary solar system to being the man as another planet revolving around the woman's star. In a good solid relationship where men have perfect self esteem and the baby was long sought after, this isn't an issue. But, keep in mind, this "family bed" advice is going out to everyone, not just even-keeled Leave it to Beaver families.
Anyway, that's my take on it. We didnt let our kids sleep with us unless they had nightmares, and even then only for a half hour or so. We felt it was important that they be independent and that they respected our marriage as something valuable too, not just something that came about to create babies. A union of two, from which a family is made. I grew up in a household where the rule was still "Children should be seen and not heard" a lot of the time. And I don't believe that family is just about children.
Nice hub, sorry I went on so long.
Shadesbreath, Thank you for sharing your viewpoint. You have made some valid points. I agree, keeping a marriage healthy is most important, especailly today with so many marriages failing. If for any reason co-sleeping threatens this unity than other sleeping arrangements should be made. I am fortunate that my husband is secure in our relationship and supports the family bed 100%. This was a joint decision made between my husband and I, not one that I made on my own just expecting my husband to go along with it. If a mom chooses to co-sleep without the support of the father, then I could definitely see problems arising.
Again, thanks for sharing.
Nice hub. To me, it's far odder to put a newborn baby in a room on its own. That's just cruel.
Great article. I have never heard that the child should not be between the parents. Can you provide a source on that? I'd like to investigate further.
My wife is an Osteopathic physician and we have two kids + one due in June. We did the family bed from the start to the horror of the whole family, except my mom who came back from mission trips to China and Tanzania and declared, "I think we're the only ones in the world who don't sleep with their kids!"
My son continued to sleep in our bed until he was nearly 4, but he is autistic and this provided a great deal of security for him. Our daughter left our bed at the age of 10 months because she seemed to sleep better in a bassinette in our room and at 18 months sleeps in a bed next to her brother's bed. As long as she can hear someone else breathe, she's good to go.
We'll see what #3 does! I really enjoy the family bed. It also allowed us all to sleep well because it made midnight nursing a snap. Sometimes mom & baby didn't even completely awaken to nurse.
Specificity: I have seen the safety tip regarding not placing the baby between mom and dad on many different co-sleeping sites and in many articles on the subject. You can do a google search on it and I am sure you will find a lot of information . Basically, it has to do with a mother's natural maternal instinct and the fact that they will be more aware of their child's presence in the bed. However, it really depends on each individual family and the sleep habits of both mom and dad. Placing the baby between mom and dad is certainly not out of the question, but it is definitely something to take into consideration before you decide to co-sleep.
I'd never heard that the U.S. is the only country that doesn't condone the family bed. But it *is* the country with the highest rate of gun violence. Hmmmm...
The only bit of personal experience I can add to this discussion is (for reasons I won't go into) I only breastfed one of of my children. Having her sleep with me from Day One made night feedings easy. But she began sleeping through the night at 3 weeks (7:30 pm till 8:00 am!) and I'd come down with a nasty cold, so she went to a bassinet and then a crib.
She's the super-brain in the family with an off-the-charts IQ, and now has a PhD in Environmental Engineering (green energy). She was also the calmest of all of my kids, which lends credence to the sense of security derived from a family bed.
JamaGenee, thank you for sharing your personal story!
Janet, this is an interesting commentary on your experience. I think it is clear that how you were raised, and your own experiences lend themselves to whether the family bed is a good idea for your family or not.
We never had this discussion in my family. When our infants were very small, and I was breast feeding, sometimes I would feed them in bed and we would fall asleep together. However, my husband and I find that our bed is one of the only places that we are alone together.
We never really stopped our kids from coming into our bedroom to talk to us or getting into our bed for a short time to comfort themselves, but we always took them back. Maybe it is because we only have a queen size bed and there just isn't enough room for anyone else.
I don't think having a family bed would be my personal choice even now, but I don't condemn anyone who thinks it is a good idea for their family as long as the children are safe, and the parents both agree that it is a good idea.
@lakeerieartists: Yes, a queen size bed would not work so well with the family bed! We have a king. :) Thanks for stopping by my hub and sharing your thoughts.
Our youngest baby slept in our bedroom for 6 months, with the result of her falling asleep next to me after night time nursings. When we moved her into a room with her almost 3 year old brother, she woke up nightly screaming. We are still struggling with her frequent wakings, which didn't happen when she was sleeping in our room. Where she should be and how her wakings should be dealt with is a point of disagreement between my husband and me. We also moved three times in 10 months (long story), so that may be contributing. Nicely written hub!
Nice work! I too enjoyed the family bed, as did most of my friends. I had the support of everyone aside from my mother in law, who was constantly worried that one of us might squash the kids. I like to think the environment we created early on has had something to do with the fact that my now pre-teens still give me hugs in the middle of the day for no special reason, and that both my son and my daughter are secure in their friendships with others, but who really knows what other factors are at work. We had a crib but it just ended up being a giant laundry basket, and when it was time for them to move into their own beds the transition only lasted about a week.
As a side note, we had a king size bed, but anyone with a toddler can tell you, they take up all the room they want. My daughter liked her head by me and her feet on her dad, so we slept like an "H". I frequently woke up with a kid foot on my nose. Regardless, I would not have changed a thing.
wannabewestern & Sarah: Thank you so much for stopping by my hub and sharing your personal stories!
ASHWINSPGA says:
15 months ago
This is a very important topic and im very glad you actually took the time and effort to voice this issue out Janet. For people like me who are going to be married and starting a family in the near future educating ourselves with issues like this can really help in nurturing our young child from the very beginning. There is alot of taboo surrounding co-sleeping. but if you look at it in a unbiased way are we not bonding with our child? Yes the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) warning of suffocation, entrapment, or SIDS comes to mind immediately. However many pediatricians and pediatric organizations have provided sensible guidelines to avoid such tradgedies.Further, some research has clearly identified how co-sleeping may reduce infants' risk of SIDS due to the lighter sleep and synchronized parent-infant sleeping patterns. I know co sleeping isnt approved by everyone and it does not guarentee against SIDS, but i have seen people who co sleep and grew to love it so much. and i know i too would love to give it a try. Thanks for sharing this info and thumbs up for a well written hub Janet.