The "Fat Friend"

At my best adult weight I was 126. For most women, this may sound like a healthy weight, but when you are 4'10", it is less than desirable. The sad part was that I tried everything short of liposuction to get there, including strict diet and exercise, starvation, bronchodilators for horses (apparently proven to shed pounds), laxatives, and a hearty helping of bulimia. And in twelve grueling weeks, I lost 4 pathetic pounds, and what was left of my determination.

Which brings me to the "fat friend" complex. You may know what I'm getting at here, but I'll clarify just in case. Most of my body image issues growing up (and even as a grown-up) I attribute to the "fat friend" complex. Call it what you want, DUFF (for Designated Ugly Fat Friend), "the grenade"; I've heard it all.

So I guess I am officially the "fat friend". Although I have previously had hints of the inevitable truth, I have finally come to terms with my fate. When a long time friend walked past me at my wedding reception to talk to my bridesmaids (while mumbling an almost inaudible "congratulations"), it struck me. It was not my bachelorette party, where I was left all alone in the center of the club with a tiara and a frown; nor was it the time that my best friend called me for comfort about her poor decisions with men, only to invite everyone else out that night to party.

And still, it was not the multiple pictures of "the girls" circulating MySpace and God-knows-where-else that did not include me, but it was that seemingly insignificant "congratulations" that finally caused me to snap. There I stood, in all of my drink carrying, shoulder leaning, hair-holding glory... alone.

Even post-nuptuals, when my "I'm single" vibe morphed into "don't bother, I'm taken", I immediately transformed from the "grenade" into the "gatekeeper". No longer were men fighting over who would "take one for the team" and hit on me to release my skinny friends from my self-pity restraints, but they now looked to me as the gatekeeper, or the single obstacle between them and my single friends. They would cling to me for sometimes hours, going on in detail about how beautiful and sweet my friend is and what wonderful things they could offer her.

Over the years I have learned that being the "fat friend" or the "gatekeeper" has little to do with the numbers on the scale or the size of my jeans. It is simply a state of mind, and it is as difficult to break as an addiction. And in these roles, we train our friends to believe in our own self image issues, and treat us as we treat ourselves.

If you are ready to break the "Fat Friend" mentality, try some of these suggestions:

• Figure out what makes you confident. Find your favorite features and flaunt them!
• Make sure to purchase well fitting clothes. Sometimes you just have to accept that you aren't a size smaller. And even though it is exciting to squeeze into that one size smaller, wear what looks good on your body, and you will automatically feel better about yourself.
• Remember that it is not modest or humble to insult yourself or talk about your faults to solicit pity. People will see you as you see yourself, and if your body language says "I'm overweight and insecure", they will tend to believe you.

And if all else fails...

• Clean House! In the words of Kelly Clarkson, you have to pick the weeds, but keep the flowers. If the people in your life continuously keep you down, then move them out and make room for someone who makes you feel good just as you are.