Clothes make the man . Naked people have little or no influence on society .

My mother newer saw the irony in calling me a son - of - a - bitch . ~Jack Nicholson ~

The road to success is always under construction .

When i was kidnapped , my parents snaped into action . They rented out my room .

Friendship is like peeing on yourself : everyone can see it , but only you get the warm feeling that it brings .

Last night I lay in bad looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself , where the heck is the ceiling .

Men are like bank accounts . Without a lot of money , they don't generate a lot of interest .

You laugh because I'm different . I laugh because I just farted !

Any idiot can face a crisis ; it is this day to day living that wears you out . ~Anton Checkow ~

What is art ? Prostitution . ~ Charles Baudelaire ~

If at first you don't succeed , then skydiving definitely isn't for you .

Bigamy is having one wife too many . Monogamy is the same .

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back .

A boss is like a diaper ... Always on your ass , and usually FULL of _ _ _ _ !

Before you criticize someone , you should walk a mile in their shoes . That way when you criticize them , you are a mile away from them , and you have their shoes . ~Jack Handey ~

Eighty procent of successs is showing up . ~ Woody Allen ~

If only God would give me some clear sign like a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank . ~ Woody Allen ~

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks ? ~ George Carlin ~

To you I'm an atheist ; to God I'm the Loyal Opposition . ~ Woody Allen ~

If people from Poland are called Poles Why aren't people from Holland called Holes ? ~ George Carlin ~

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bold man ? ~ George Carlin ~

Dogs are the leaders of the planet . If you see two life forms , one of them's making a poop , the other one's carrying it for him , who would you assume is in charge ? ~ Jerry Seinfeld ~

How many punch you take to cow before it fall . For me , my record is 11 . ~ Borat ~

The only thing keeping me going was my dream of one day holding Pamela Anderson in my arms and making romance explosion on her stomach . ~ Borat ~

Writing is like prostitution . First you do it for love , and then for a few friends , and then for money .

Whoever coined the term "Buyers Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole . ~ George Carlin ~

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point . ~ Friederich Nietzsche ~

I'm polyatheist - there are many Gods I don't believe in . ~ Dan Fouts ~

The characters and events depicted in the damn bible are fictious . Any similarity to actual persons , living or dead , is purely coincidental . ~ Penn and Teller . ~

Actually I don't remember being born , it must have happened during one of my blackouts . ~ Jim Morrison ~

Where's your will to be weird ? ~ Jim Morrison ~

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous , he will not bite you . This is the principal difference between a dog and a man . ~ Mark Twain ~

If a man could be crossed with the cat , it would improve man , but it would deteriorate the cat . ~ Mark Twain ~

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. ~ Benny Hill ~

The big thieves hang the little ones .

Man , they're all assholes . Is just a matter with which one you wanna end up with .

The wise newer marry . And when they marry , they become otherwise .

It was love at first sight ! But then I took a second look .

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the risk ? ~

Two great European narcotics , alcohol and Christianity . ~ F. Nietzsche ~

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable . ~ F. M. Dostoiewsky ~

Money are a good servant but a bad master . ~ French Proverb ~

My mother , she never love me . She say she wish she was raped by someone else . ~ Borat ~

This my neighbor , Nursultan Tuleiakbay . He is pain in my assholes . I get a window from a glass , he must get a window from a glass . I get a step , he must get a step . I get a clock radio , he cannot afford . Great success . ~ Borat ~

In Kazakhstan , three major issues : economic , social and jews . ~ Borat ~

Gypsy , give me your tears . If you will not give them to me , I will take them from you . ~ Borat ~

In kazakhstan we have many hobbies : disco dancing , archery , rape , and table tennis . ~ Borat ~

In U. S. and A they treat horses like we in Kazakhstan treat our women . They feed them two time a day . They have them sleep on straw in a small box . And for entertainment , they make them jump over the fences while being whipped . ~ Borat ~

Politicians are a lot like diapers ; they should be changed frequently and for the same reason . ~ Robin Williams ~

As regard the people , they will always be stupid and barbarous . They are oxen which requires a yoke , a goad , and some hay . ~ Voltaire ~

Everything you've learned in school as 'obvious' becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe . For example ... There are no straight lines . ~ R. Buckminster Fuller ~

Atheism is a non-prophet organization . ~ George Carlin ~

The reason why they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it . ~ George Carlin ~

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice . ~ George Carlin ~

I got into acting so that I could meet girls . Pretty girls came later . First I wanted to start with someone with two legs , who'd smile at me and look soft . ~ Dustin Hoffman ~

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease . ~ Voltaire ~

To succeed in the world is not enough to be stupid , you must also be well-mannered .~ Voltaire ~

Happiness = a good bank account , a good cook and a good digestion . ~ Rousseau ~

Only two things are infinite , the universe and human stupidity , and I'm not sure about the former . ~ Albert Einstein ~

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet , you'd better teach it to dance . ~ G. B. Show ~

All are lunatics but he who can analize his delusion is called a philosopher . ~ Ambroce Bierce ~

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you're also stupid . ~ G. B. Show ~

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating . ~ Oscar Wilde ~

The graveyards are full of indispensable men . ~ Charles de Gaulle ~

I am not young enough to know everything . ~ oscar Wilde ~

Not only is there no God , but try finding a plumber on Sunday . ~ Woody Allen ~

God gave men both a penis and a brain , but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time . ~ Robin Williams ~

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs . ~ Robin williams ~

Politics : "poli" a Latin word meaning "many" , and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures" . ~ Robin Williams ~

I like my wine like my woman - ready to pass out . ~ Robim Williams ~

I've seen a look in dog's eyes , a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt , and I am convinced that basically dogs think that humans are nuts . ~ John Steinbeck ~

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming . ~ John Steinbeck ~

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals .~ John Steinbeck ~

I haven't spoken to my wife in years . I didn't want to interrupt her . ~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her . ~ Sacha Guitry ~

Suicide is man's way of telling God , "You cant fire me - I quit" . ~ Bill Maher ~

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey . ~ George Carlin ~

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes . ~ George Carlin ~

Think of how stupid the average person is , and realize half of them are stupider than that . ~ George Carlin ~

Swimming is not a sport . Swimming is a way to keep from drowning . That's just common sense . ~ George Carlin ~

You can prick your finger - just don't finger your prick . ~ George Carlin ~

I don't like to think of laws as rules , but more as suggestions . ~ George Carlin ~

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show . When you're born in America , you get a front - row seat . ~ George Carlin ~

The planet is fine . The people are fucked . ~ George Carlin ~

I do not believe in afterlife , although I am bringing a change of underwear . ~ Woody Allen ~

I'm not afraid to die , I just don't want to be there when it happens . ~ Woody Allen ~

How to make God laugh : tell him your future plans . ~ Woody Allen ~

Basically my wife was immature . I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats . ~ Woody Allen ~

What do I dislike about death ? Must be the hours . ~ Woody Allen ~

Let a smile be your umbrella , and you'll end up wity a face full of rain. ~ George Carlin ~

Yes , madam , I am drunk . But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly . ~ Winston Churchill ~

I was the best man at the wedding . If I'm the best man , why is she marrying him ? ~ Jerry Seinfeld ~

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper . ~ Jerry Seinfeld ~

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women : a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom . Jerry Seinfeld ~

That's the true spirit of Christmas ; people being helped by people others than me . ~ Jerry Seinfeld ~

Love is the answer , but while you're waiting for the answer , sex raises some pretty interesting questions . ~ Woody Allen ~

That's all for now ,folks ! If you want to see more funny , interesting quotes , please visit my blog www.pigassus.com