People Say The Funniest Things

10 Road Accident Reports.

1 A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

2 The other car collided with mine without giving any warning.

3 Coming home, I drove into the wro0ng house and collided with a tree I did not have.

4 The pedestrian had no idea which way to go so I ran over him.

5 I was backing my car out of the driveway when it was struck by the other car in the same place it was struck several times before.

6 I was shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached a junction, a hedge jumped up, obscuring my view.

7 I told the police I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.

8 In my attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

9 The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

10 An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

News Reports

5 Headlines

1 Youth Hit By Train is Rushed to Two Hospitals.

2 Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69.

3 Flawless Take-Off Marred by Hitch.

4 Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana use.

5 Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products.

5 News Articles

1 The glamorous 17 year old wants to be a policewoman, like her dad.

2 Although as a rider and breeder she has countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating.

3 Latest census figures show that more than one New Zealander is a Maori or Polynesian.

4 The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed.

5 Visitors to the sandpit are advised that there is a prohibited area near the groin.

5 Things Children Said.

1 Four year old Sarah asked from the back of the car "Why are there more idiots on the road when Daddy is driving?"

2 "Why do we say "old men" after we say our prayers."

3 "I am glad I am finally eight. This is the oldest I have ever been."

4 "I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to hospital."

5 "When you were my age, you were just a baby."

5 Things Old People Said.

1 "Are you growing a beard or are you just lazy?"

2 "What did I come in here for?"

3 "My hair was made for a shorter person. I have grown through it"

4 "When I was your age, I was older than you."

5 Grandmother on a trip to the aquarium "you do not see the fish coming to the surface much to breathe do you?"

Famous Last Words

5 Dying People Who Got It Very Wrong

1 Douglas Fairbanks Sn. Said "I have never felt better."

2 George J Sedgewick, a Union commander said "They could not hit an elephant at that dist.....!"

3 Dylan Thomas, the famous poet - "I have had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that's a record."

4 H.G. Wells the famous author said "Go away. I am alright."

5 Barry White the singer said "Leave me alone. I am fine."

5 Dying People Who Got It Right.

1 Al Jolson famously said "This is it. I am going. I am going."

2 The Irish comedian Spike Milligan was reported as saying "I told you I was ill."

3 Errol Flynn, the great swashbuckling actor was supposed to have said "That's it."

4 Lord Palmerston, a British Prime minister said "Die my dear doctor. That's the last thing I shall do."

5 Oscar Wilde - "Either that wallpaper goes or I do."

5 People Who Got Things Wrong In Their Lifetime.

1 The telephone was thought to have too many short comings to be considered as a means of easy communications according to a Western Union internal memo.

2 When told about the new invention of sound for the movies, H.M. Warner said "Who the h.... wants to hear actors talk."

3 An executive of the Decca Record Company turned down the Beatles because they did not like their sound and they thought guitar music was on the way out.

4 Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society which is dedicated to science, said that heavier than air flying machines were impossible.

5 Gary Cooper turned down the lead role in "Gone With the Wind" because he thought it would flop.

So think carefully before you say anything. Or you might find your words in print.