Have you every played the good girl? So well that you forgot to stop acting? I call it the “Good Girl Syndrome”. A syndrome because it is a disorder; one created and practiced over and over again from a dysfunctional upbringing. For me, it became a very well rehearsed role in playing the good girl, so my mother would not hit me. For others, it may be a similar situation, like seeking approval and love from their parents or it could have developed because when you did play the good girl, it got you what you wanted.

Whatever the motivation, this acting role can also become a leading part in your adult life, and a well developed coping mechanism to avoid conflicts of any kind. It was probably really useful as a child but as an adult it is not healthy, as it tends to minimalize disturbances and clouds the way you see how things really are.

I developed this good girl syndrome as a child so that I could charm my mother to not give her any excuses to hit me. Sometimes it worked, but then sometimes it didn’t, it was a bit of a gamble, it depended on whether she was playing the mother or the abuser, so it was never predictable.

Of course when I was playing the good girl to avoid getting beaten, I would lie to my mother, I would tell her that she was a good mother. I would tell her that I enjoyed the meal she cooked that evening or the latest sweater she knitted for me. I tried to think of all the good things she did and in my mind I minimalized all the bad things she did. So I became dishonest, not because I was a liar but because I thought that this would save me from emotional and physical abuse. I carried on this behavior at various times throughout my adult life so that I could be accepted and loved.

Even through adversity, I played the good girl. In my past, I played the good girl part really well with an ex-boss, I tried to concentrate on his good traits, and ignored how he kept overstepping the boundaries of our working relationship, by belittling me until I saw that I allowed this to happen. It was not until I had left the company and asked for something entitled to me that he had knowingly cancelled and had gone against a written agreement that I decided to stop minimalizing the situation and not play small. This time I was in a healthy place and asked for it like a grown up instead of a sweet delivery of a good girl and did not make any excuses for his lack of memory or intergrity. This clear and unemotional directive angered him, I think simply because he was not used to me being healthy but at the same time it triggered me into writing this piece.

This good girl syndrome as a coping mechanism was useful as a child, but as an adult it can became unhealthy as it makes one dishonest with yourself and towards others in your life.

Playing this good girl is also tied up into seeking approval, love and acceptance. If you so badly want to be liked for what you do instead of who you are, it is easy to bend yourself to be this 'good girl’ and misshape who you are in the process. In some way you also become super-alert, detail oriented, and a perfectionist in trying to do the right thing for everyone, please others, and in doing so ignore yourself in the process. As a child, I tried everything to please my mother, but whatever I did always displeased her, even the way I looked, even to the point of doing nothing. So growing up I tried to please people for acceptance and love. I also had this habit of giving gifts and being generous, I am not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I remember doing this at times when I was a poor art student and when earning a low income. In my younger life I would go overdrawn so that I could make someone happy, but it was at a cost to my credit score!

It was also a surprise to me whenever I was criticized. I would naturally become defensive, not because I did something wrong, but in my mind I had worked so hard to be perfect that it was hard to hear that my best efforts were not appreciated. However this defensiveness was a dysfunctional behavioral pattern, because even when I played the good girl as a child, I was still told that I could have done better or that I was not as good as other children, not as clever or pretty, and lastly I would still get hit. So I had developed this inbuilt autopilot of defending myself even when I did not need to. I also took on more responsibility when it was often unnecessary to do so. Hence I over extended myself and it still was not appreciated, as I had overstepped the line.

Playing this good girl also hinders healthy natural boundaries, and it can be really hard to say ‘no’ even when you are not happy or displeased, even asking for what you really want.

Getting to become a healthy woman instead of a good girl requires a conscious decision to stop behaving small. A commitment to strengthening and trusting ones good qualities is a start and build self-awareness into your daily activities. Ask your family, partner and close friends to help you, have them speak out when you are playing the good girl. The more you notice it, the less you will play it. For me it has been a long process in first noticing the symptoms and understanding the reasons behind their creation. The more time I spend in accepting and loving myself for who I am, the less I try to impress the world for approval and love.