By Wes J. Pimentel

            I don’t like cops. My reason for not liking them/you goes far beyond the fact that I am a criminal. My professional understanding of the human mind gives me deep insight into the psyche of these people. It is my opinion that most police officers are nothing more than self-righteous, self-diluted government gangsters.

            In all fairness, not all cops are the same. In fact, I’ve noticed two distinct sub-cultures within the police force as a whole. This piece is really about one of those groups, and not the other. Among the police population you have what I call your “All-Americans” and your dorks.

            The All-Americans make up about five percent of cops. These are content, well-adjusted, non-sadistic individuals. They are compassionate, humane and understanding. These people have well-developed social skills stemming from a life of approval, involvement and intelligence. Most of them were either high school athletes or leaders of some sort. They joined the force out of a sincere desire to improve their surroundings. It was a career choice and nothing more. These are your selfless heroes. They’re the ones more interested in protecting and serving than in controlling; the cops who pray for the criminals who’ve hurt them; our beloved rescuers from the 9/11 tragedy. This piece is not about the All-Americans.

            Over ninety-five percent of the collective police force is made up of dorks*. Unlike the All-American species, their developmental years were spent in social exile. For some reason or another, their peers felt the need to ridicule and shun them. I’m guessing it’s because they’re fuckin’ dorks. Either way, the “cool kids” never let them play any cool-kid games. They never made out with the hot chicks, they never scored the game-winning anything, and they always lacked the wit and articulation needed to make it socially, when you choose not to be a jock.

            As we all know, exclusive school cliques tend to be much naughtier than they are nice. The in-crowd is always the group of kids throwing drinking parties, getting involved with sex, and experimenting with drugs. It’s easy to see how a person who is constantly being excluded from all that fun can build up resentment against those people and their behaviors. It’s usually referred to as a “chip” on one’s shoulder. Well, these clowns have skyscraper sized chips that never go away. They begin to associate coolness, fun and criminality with each other. This resentment, this chip, soon blossoms into a deep-seated full-blown hatred. This emotional peak will usually provide the impetus needed to identify and pursue a life goal. Some very common goals for these people include a) bringing firearms to school and going on a killing spree, b)studying computer programming and becoming richer than those cool kids could ever dream of being, c) becoming conservative politicians, or if they lack the intelligence to perform the tasks listed above, there’s always d)be a cop.

            Now that we’ve explored the inadequacies and ineptitude that lead to the development of the cop mind, let’s talk about why being a cop is the perfect job for these people.

             You’re the man! From the day they walk out of cop school the government grants them the authority to go around telling people what to do. In light of the fact that they are completely unable to establish dominance (based on their own merits) in any other facet of their lives, I’m sure you can see how having government-granted dominance over the citizenry of an entire community can be almost irresistible. They know that in spite of the fact that people don’t like them, we have to do what they say, because the government said so.

            Revenge. Finally, they’re able to get back at all the cool kids. They can now live out every sadistic, torturous fantasy they’ve ever had about these evil fun-havers. That’s why when you watch COP’s you’re very likely to see some two-hundred and fifty pound pig slam his knee down on some young black kid’s neck AFTER the kid’s already on the ground and not resisting. That kid represents coolness, rebellion and athleticism, the very things all these doughnut vacuums have come to hate. This is the same reason prison guards are notoriously sadistic. They finally have some authority and dominance and they’re going to soak up every bit of enjoyment they can before their shift is over and they have to take off their costumes, I mean uniforms.

            This brings me to my next reason: uniforms. You can’t be a “good guy” fighting crime without a costume, right? The government knows this and they mean to fervently cultivate that good guy/ bad guy mentality by making police officers feel like super-heroes. After all, it’s a lot easier to kill someone when they’re “evil.” Ain’t that right, Mr. President? Anyway, the point is they get to live out the sadistic fantasies from high-school while simultaneously living out the super-hero ones from grade school.

            Guns. They are allowed to kill us. Even though they opted not to take full advantage of their Trench-Coat Mafia membership, they’re still going to send some cool kids to hell. If they feel threatened, every cop in America is authorized to use “deadly force.” In other words, they have a license to kill… you. Feeling threatened is subjective. What is more threatening to a dork than a stylish, weed smoking, cool guy? I guarantee not every citizen-shooting cop has been justified. Sometimes cops just murder people and get away with it because they’re the good guys.

            The odd thing, though, is they continue to want to be one of the cool kids. You’ll notice this very prominently in two areas of the dorks’ lives; music and fashion. These hypocrites will condemn the drug trade and drug use, and then turn around and play crack rap full-blast in their cars, or classic rock, or jazz, or rock, or heavy metal, or you name it. Guess what, asshole; without drugs, music wouldn’t be what it is today. Drugs are very often the lubricant of the creative process. If you’re a cop, don’t half-ass it. If you’re going to condemn our culture, at least have the integrity not to subscribe to it at the same time. Cops should only be allowed to listen to good, wholesome music, like Gospel and well… Gospel. I would say country, but Willie Nelson smokes enough weed for that whole genre. Plus, there’s a lot of assaultive behavior described in country, rock, and rap. Remember, officers, assaulting people is a crime. Think about that the next time you’re singing along with violent lyrics. You are glorifying criminals. Thank you, by the way.

            Fashion. Let’s face it; nobody likes to look like a dork. Unfortunately for cops, the fashion world draws its inspirations from popular sub-culture styles, not the other way around. We tell them what’s cool. So, cops only have two choices, a) be hypocrites, but look stylish in OUR fashions or b) wear white high-tops, tight, acid-washed jeans and polo-shirts. Although some begrudgingly keep it real by sporting the latter choice, many are still desperately trying to be cool and end up wearing our fashions and styles. They refuse to go all the way, though, which is why you’ll see them wearing fitted caps with absolutely no tilt, baggy jeans synched tightly at their belly-buttons, and tucking in stuff like jerseys. Yeah, you’re cool now, officer. Way to go.

            So, if you’ve ever wondered why cops are such assholes, I’m sure you understand, now. They go from being ineffectual irrelevant losers to authority figures in no time flat. Their whole life they’ve been desperately, pathetically in need of some kind of dominance and now they have it as granted by the government. This is why dominance over others is the predominating thought on their minds. Their warped perceptions tell them that bullying people is an accomplishment. Since the rest of their lives are devoid of achievement, pushing people around is all they’ve got.

            The perfect example of dominance over the “protect and serve” mantra happened during the Hurricane Katrina tragedy in New Orleans. Cops must’ve either heard that people were looting or that they might loot. Anyway, instead of our supposed protectors putting down their precious weapons and costumes to physically help the elderly avoid drowning, they posted up with rifles like sentries waiting to bust or shoot criminals. I hear some of them were shot at. Well, guess what. If I was there I would’ve shot at their bitch-asses too. If it’s your job to protect and serve citizens, but instead you take advantage of another opportunity to bully people under the guise of protecting material bullshit, you deserve to be shot. How many people could one of these assholes have saved? I guarantee if they were unarmed and rescuing people in plain clothes, they wouldn’t have gotten shot at.

            You can save the nobility argument too. Cops are not sacred. Every time a cop gets shot it’s like the end of the world. If you don’t want to get shot, don’t be a cop. True nobility comes from taking your licks like a man and not crying about it. You want to act like a big, tough, gun-toting gangster, we’re going to treat you like one. The penalties for hurting a cop are a lot stiffer than they are for hurting an average citizen, though. This does not make sense. This guy is willingly putting himself in harm’s way, supposedly so we don’t have to be. He is choosing to be shot at, but when people do, they’re more wrong than when they shoot old ladies or little girls. “Assault on a police officer.” Why is that worse? They want it; that is until it actually happens, then they whine about it. Boo fuckin’ hoo. Again, you don’t like it? Don’t be a cop.

            People will inevitably say, “Without police officers, who would protect your property and your family?” I’ll tell you what, Mr. Genius. Thieves, vandals, and perverts would have a lot more to worry about than the judicial system if citizens had to protect their own. By the way, certain laws and the police officers who enforce them actually increase crime rather than lower it. Without the illegality of drugs, you wouldn’t have rival street gangs warring over territories from which to sell their product. When was the last time you heard about gang violence erupting over alcohol sales? Not since alcohol was illegal. Hmmm…

            So, that’s why I don’t like cops. They’re mostly unnecessary, mostly abusive, mostly ineffective, at times murderous, and damn near ALWAYS losers. They take out their pent-up frustrations on people who are usually expressing one of those freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution. Well, in the immortal words of N.W.A., I say, “FUCK THE POLICE.”

*This figure does not come from any sort of reputable research firm. As “dorkiness” cannot be measured, any statistics about it cannot be accurately drawn. More importantly, though, the author has no qualms about exaggerating statistics to support his claims.