The Hilarious Life of "Bob" Chapter 4

Many ask how Bob got the nickname "Swampy", and this is a closely guarded secret I am about to reveal!

A number of years ago Bob used to lodge with a friend of his called "Snelly". Snelly had been chasing a certain "hard to get" young lady for a very long time and was by now desperate to get her into bed. After much effort Snelly was now making a little bit of progress and the girl was at last quite interested.

Bob in the meantime had gone on holiday and was having a great time elsewhere.

Upon Bob's return to the flat after his holiday he was, as usual "slightly the worse for wear", and consequently headed straight for the downstairs bathroom to relieve himself. Now when Bob had gone away this downstairs room had been a bathroom, but what he didn't notice was that whilst he had been away Snelly had converted the room into a "snug" for him and any girlfriends Snelly wanted to bring home, consequently what had been the toilet was now a brand new room with a luxury cream leather sofa for snuggling up with a partner on!!!!

Having relieved himself Bob headed for bed none the wiser and crashed out for the night without telling the other flatmates he was back on the island again. In the meantime Snelly had finally managed to persuade this desirable girl to come back to his flat for the night.

Upon Snelly's arrival home he took the young lady to his "snug" and proceeded to get her undressed. As she laid back on the sofa she noticed it felt slightly "wet", and commented as much. Snelly told her this was not possible as it was brand new and told her to relax.

As she laid back she insisted that the sofa was definitely wet, and then smelling the nature of the moisture she was horrified and went crazy, accusing Snelly of being some kind of pervert who liked to pee on women. In spite of his protests of innocence she would not believe him and threw on her clothes and stormed out leaving Snelly bemused as to where the moisture had come from.

The following morning Bob appeared downstairs and the mystery came to light. When Snelly asked Bob about his return Bob explained he had returned home late, and had used the downstairs bathroom. Once Snelly explained this was no longer a downstairs bathroom everything became clear, the trouble was the girl in question would never believe it, so Snelly never ever got the chance to sleep with her and she went on to meet someone else.

In the meantime Bob had to pay to have the brand new sofa taken away and cleaned, and even the dry cleaners commented on what a mess it was when they picked it up to take away!

I don't think Snelly ever quite forgave Bob for that mistake!!!

Bob once made the serious mistake of "throwing a sickie" from work so he could go to the Isle of Wight for a holiday. Knowing his boss had said he was going away to an island for a holiday with his family at the same time Bob knew he was pretty safe.

Arriving on the Isle of Wight Bob was having a great time and enjoying the local bars, that was up until he got a tap on the shoulder one afternoon, turned around, only to find his "not too amused" boss standing there. What Bob has not guessed was that the Island his boss was going to with his family was not some tropical paradise as he had imagined, but the Isle of Wight, in other words, the same island as Bob was now on.

The boss promptly agreed not to mention Bob's indiscretion upon their return, so long as Bob helped to pay for his children's ice-creams etc. So began a bit of a nightmare for Bob, wherever he went he kept on bumping into his boss and his family, and each time Bob's boss would order ice-creams and other treats for his family and children and simply announce that "Bob was paying".

Upon their return to work back in the UK, all of Bob's female co-workers were voicing concerns for Bob's health and hoping Bob now "felt better". Bob's boss was clearly struggling with this, and made noises about how easy it would be for him to tell them all the truth. Being no fool, Bob then pointed out to his boss that he had, in effect, accepted "gifts" from Bob in return for keeping quiet, therefore he could not say anything without also landing himself in trouble, and so Bob got away with throwing his sickie to get paid sick leave so he could have a holiday.