Part 3 of my middle-aged-man-meets-government-thinking-first-hand scenario.

Time for my 6 week "Back-to-Work" meeting.

Now don't get me wrong. It's frankly impossible for all the staff at my Job Centre to be as I've portrayed them in my earlier blogs (isn't it?). Let's just say I'm, er, unlucky?

Now the first one I was in fact 5 minutes late and was told that the meeting had started.

So I go straight into the sign-on process where I'm told that they are taking away one week's payment due to my tardiness!!!

"Er (stupefied) excuse me?"

"Well you didn't attend your back to work meeting" (she's eyeing me warily at this point as I'm 6'4" tall, heavy set and I'm starting to bristle like hog's hair on a spit)

"OK, so let me get this straight. You pay me £116-00 every two weeks - after I've paid into the government coffers for 20-odd years and your deducting half of it for 5 minutes?" (my mental infantry were descending the hill at this point followed by the cavalry all intent on attacking a a classic pincer-movement!)

"Well you can appeal" (she offers this as a solution)

"How?" (this is gonna be good and I'm starting to laugh now as crying was the only other option)

"Well, you'll receive a letter in about 5 days and you can reply to it detailing your reason for absence, then we'll assess it and see if your claim is valid" (she regained some footing here as she was detailing policy - always a final refuge for the unaware)

"OK then, get me the letter now and I'll write it here" (I would've bet my house on the response but here it is anyway)

"No we can't do that as it's sent from another department" (bingo!)

"Fine, let's get this over with - where do I sign? (What am I 12?)

Thankfully, when I recount this exchange to people - who have an IQ above their shoe size - there is universal laughter. The type of laughter when your conscious mind hears the words but your subconscious mind is waiting for the punchline - surely this is a joke!

At least I'm not going mad, so let's accentuate the positive.

Oh, the letter still has not arrived (Mmmm more than 5 days have passed, can I counter-claim?)

I'd been honing up a few reasons for my 5 minute slip-up;

1. As the earth is spinning anti-clockwise and I have to walk in an easterly direction, I was in fact on time by the clocks in my house!
2. I've been looking into Einstein's General Theory of Relativity and it appears that I just seemed to be late. It's all down to your perception upon my arrival.
3. Due to the reason in number 1 above, the Job Centre was actually moving farther away than when I left my house, therefore I was approaching it more slowly than I thought.
4. A school bully stole my lunch money.
5. The dog ate my homework.
6. I was walking into a strong south-westerly wind and became unwittingly waylaid.
7. I haven't learned to tell the time yet.
8. I wet myself!

See you anon for the Back to Work Meeting in it's unbridled glory...