Old Rover, your great-great granddog, slept on a pile of straw in the barn, and earned his keep by chasing varmints from the farmyard, retrieving hunted game, and annoying the rancher's flocks into submission.

He didn't have a dog igloo, a couture-inspired hand-crafted doggie sweater, or a reversible padded polyester hypo-allergenic washable dog bed. His squeaky chew toys were gophers. He was entertained, exercised, and kept alert by fleas. No one even thought of feeding him vegetarian dog food.

Tabby farmcat had similar accommodations. Her practical chores included eating small quadruped rodents before they could devour seeds and grain or scare the bejeebers out of the farmer's wife. This was only a few generations ago. Pets of today have few responsibilities and far too many indulgences.

There are now suppliers specializing in pet health food with "all natural ingredients". Like, mice aren't all natural? One line of food advertises itself as "The thinking person's pet food". But WHAT are these persons thinking?

Your dog really wants table scraps or perhaps a gopher. Another recipe claims to replicate your pet's natural diet by including meat, connective tissue, organs, and bones.

Gophers already include all of those ingredients without the packaging. There is also a concentrated dog food which is reconstituted with water into a "nutritious gruel". Mention "gruel" to your dog and see what happens. He will hide under the armoire.

There is even a vegan recipe, which seems cruel and unusual for natural carnivores. Still other pet foods are specially formulated to prevent your "companion animal" from generating alkaline urine. (Note that they are no longer called dogs and cats.

"Companion" seem to be just a step away from getting power of attorney and voting rights.) How do you know if your pet, er... companion animal, has alkaline urine? Never mind. I don't really want to know that.

Some of the websites selling pet paraphernalia also offer functional counsel such as: "If your dog seems to be overweight, he may need to eat less and exercise more."

Even those of us who are not veterinary scientists could have guessed this. It goes on to suggest walking, and running as exercise. Who comes up with these bits of wisdom? Why does no one suggest getting him a herd of sheep.

One supplier recommends aromatherapy for nervous or anxious dogs, but reminds owners that dogs are very sensitive to smells. One thing they have not considered is that animals have different opinions about what is an attractive aroma.

The scents which appeal to my dog seem to be of the more disgusting variety. He is especially attracted to old road kill, recently visited hydrants, and decomposed shrimp shells. I don't think they make aromatherapy candles and oils in those flavors, but I could be wrong.

Dog clothing is available in a befuddling variety of styles. Befuddling, because who would really dress their Great Dane as a fairy princess? Have we nothing better to do than to think of ways to embarrass our pets ?

Neck ruffs are touted as a resplendent alternative to the prosaic bandana. I personally find ruffs a bit ostentatious, especially for mixed breeds. One designer specializes in hats for small dogs. Civilization has probably reached an unsurpassable zenith, when people can make a living selling dog hats.

In the United Kingdom, where absurdity is often unequaled, they have come up with an item called a "Kitten Mitten" designed to amuse cats.

Each of the extra long striped fingers on the mitten (which is technically a glove, because of the fingers) has a pom pon at the end which must make the cat think that it is being attacked by a cheerleading octopus. It is not clear if these mittens are meant to be worn by the pet owner or the cat itself. Cats probably would resist such an indignity.

There are even colognes for pets. Designer fragrances are sure to emerge next. Eau du Hydrant, Eau du Toilette , Old Spot, TabbyBu. Gopher Obsession, Brute, and one called Foie Gout Parfum (French for Liver Flavor Fragrance) may soon be available.

Fancy leashes and bowls have long been available, but now it is even possible to get little strobe lights to strap on your dog for night walks, water beds for pets, and aviator style goggles for dogs who like to put their heads out of car windows. You can buy a customized coat for your dachshund called a "Wiener Wrap," as well as "Pawsibilities " canine and feline footwear.

What is the future of pet product lines? Laptops for lap dogs? Puppy pagers? Video games for dogs with themes of frisbee competitions and dogfights?

As pet indulgences increase, will our retrievers become irretrievably spoiled? Will dot deficient Dalmatians want doggie makeup to create and enhance spots? Will there be whisker mascara for pale dogs, or blusher for those hairless types? Will shar-peis who are losing their wrinkles demand reverse face lifts? Will fat cats insist on liposuction?

Will there be "Just for Dogs Hair color" for your older pooch who is turning a little gray around the muzzle, or pedicures with artificial acrylic fashion nails for the declawed cat?

With all this luxury and leisure, will our animal companions expect more and more? Someone must end this madness. I, for one, refuse to get my dog a cell phone. I call my dog the old fashioned way.