It's been several years ago... so I don't entirely remember what made my wife and I book a vacation to Las Vegas. I do remember that it was chiefly my fault... and that my wife initially looked at me a if I had grown a couple of extra heads. Whatever it was that compelled me to visit Sin City, I can only say that my wife had no idea what she was doing when she smiled, nodded, and agreed to this little excursion.

At the time, she was pretty far into Egyptian mythology... so the Luxor was the obvious choice. I mean, how can you go wrong staying in a hotel/casino shaped like a pyramid, with a blinding bolt of light shooting out from the top?

Being from hilljack Ohio, we were duly stunned by the sight of the Strip as our plane descended. Actually, the Luxor was the first thing we saw... and we were convinced we had found our own Shangri-La. Neon, comped cocktails, and 24-hour everything... you don't get this sort of silliness in a Red State.

A less-than-quick shuttle ride later (we hadn't yet figured out that taxis are much faster), we were in the lobby of the Luxor. I had seen pictures of it, but it's really hard to capture the sheer ridiculousness of 50-foot tall statues of Egyptian gods in a picture.

The first night went pretty well... we learned that casino layouts are really danged confusing (though we didn't yet realize that this was on purpose), that slot machines love to eat money, and that anyplace where you can drink 24 hours a day is an excellent incubation ground for a fat hangover.

The next morning, we decided to head out and explore the Strip. After 15 minutes of trying to find our way out of the casino, and another 20 minutes of trying to find our way out of Excalibur, the adjacent hotel/casino, we finally saw the light of day. We also immediately realized that "but it's a dry heat" is a bunch of bullplop when you're in Vegas in July. Being of fair complexion, I skipped the whole "sunburn" thing altogether, and immediately burst into flames.

If you've ever walked the Strip, you know that appearances can be quite deceiving. The hotels are so insanely large that going from one to the next looks like a quick hop. Once you head off, though, you quickly realize that it's roughly the equivalent of walking across Montana.

Case in point: You can easily see The Venetian from The Luxor (which is on the south end of the Strip. You can only walk to it, though, if you bring along several jugs of water and an experienced cardiologist.

Anyway, the next stop was the Tropicana, where we took in the Titanic exhibit. Why, I don't know. Oh, wait... yes I do... it's because my wife loved that 3 hour turd of a movie from a decade or so ago. Looking at hunks of unearthed wreckage from a sunken shipwasn't my idea of a good time in Vegas - not that it was bad, it just didn't fit the Vegas vibe. You'd think at least there would have been topless dancers cavorting among the artifacts, but alas... 

The rest of the day was pretty much consumed with trekking from casino to casino, looking around, having a cocktail, and doing it all over again. Frankly, by the end of the day, we were a bit bored with the whole thing.

That night, though, we took in Zumanity, Cirque du Soleil's "risque" show. Good stuff. A bit bewildering, but good stuff. Acrobats, transvestites, and toplessness - it doesn't get much more "Vegas" than that.

After the show, I was energized, and was no longer counting down the hours until we went back to the airport. I had caught the Vegas bug full force, and headed back to the Trop to celebrate my newly discovered addiction by sidling up to the blackjack table for the very first time.

That's when I met Bernard...

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Las Vegas Trilogy, coming soon to a hub near you!