The Legend Of B.T. Easterpants, Or I Was A Teenage Easter Jackalope
73The Ugly Truth Finally Comes Out
It was bound to come out sooner or later, so I may as well come clean right here and now. I wasn't always the evil genius that you see before you. Well, maybe I was, but there was a time when evildoing was just not profitable. Nobody was hiring villains. You couldn't find an evil sidekick gig, or even a position as a lowly minion. It just wasn't a good time to be openly evil, and a guy had to do what a guy had to do; you know?
If it sounds like I'm making excuses, I probably am. No self respecting diabolical genius would be caught dead parading around with baskets of colored eggs and candy. But that's exactly what I was reduced to during the Reagan years. I was a teenage Easter jackalope.
While it may be true that B.T. Easterpants was a living legend, it's a time in my life that is difficult to talk about. You can't even believe the ribbing I took from my so-called friends. Oh sure, they're there for you when the evil business is going great guns. But you take one Easter Bunny gig, and all bets are off. Honor among thieves my furry butt!
The Boogey Man, for instance, had taken to hiding under my bed and singing "In your Easter Bonnet", in very disturbing muted tones. For variety, he would sometimes sing that damned Peter Cottontail song, but he only knew the first two lines, which made it all the more disturbing.
The Grim Reaper was leaving messages on my answering machine. Things like "This message is for B.T. Evilpants's self respect. I'll be along to pick you up next week." One day, I came home to find 147 messages, and they were all from him! That guy always had a way of taking a joke too far.
The only evil friend that I still had, was the Tooth Fairy. What? You didn't think she was evil? If I told you what she does with all of those teeth, you wouldn't be able to sleep for weeks! Given her line of work, she was absolutely thrilled that I was handing out candy to millions of children. In fact, she had started stalking me, and sending me little gifts. Creepy gifts, like bouquets of discolored molars, rusty dental drills, you get the picture.
Under Pressure
Ok, so even an evil jackalope is subject to peer pressure. I had my reputation to think about. I am, afterall, an Evilpants. In short, I caved. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is for an highly respected mythical beast to be hopping around on the Bunny Trail with colorful eggs, and cavorting with giggling children?
I had to do something to redeem myself in the eyes of my former associates. Something evil...no...something Evilpants! I thought about delivering Easter baskets filled with brussels sprouts and asparagus. That would be pretty evil, alright, but it just didn't have that special Evilpants touch. No, I needed something with a little more style.
As I was thinking, there came a knock at my door. A delivery. Oh goody. Another gag gift from one of my "friends". The card simply read: "Enjoy!", and was signed Anonymous.
I carefully inspected the box, turning it over in my paws a few times. I gently shook it. I held it to my ear to see if it was ticking. Then, with some trepidation, I opened the mystery package. The object inside was bulky, and wrapped in tissue. Exercising great caution, I used the tip of a fountain pen to pull aside the wrapping. Little by little, it began to come into view.
I took it out of the box, to get a look at the whole thing, and I was appalled. I had in my paw, leering at me, mocking me, really; a perfect reproduction of myself. Rendered entirely in chocolate and in amazing detail. A chocolate Easter Jackalope! Ha-ha! That's just too funn...
The idea came in a flash. I threw the chocolate to the floor, and sprinted to the kitchen. I had a lot to do, and not much time to get it all done.
Redemption!
Racing the clock, I concocted my own line of Easter confections. Chocolate Jackalopes, chocolate Jackalope eggs, Jackalope peeps, the whole shebang. But I put my own twist on each and every one of them. I felt like a regular B.T. Wonkapants. I was now ready for my Easter journey. Truth be told, I was even a little bit excited!
I hopped from one house to the next, leaving my devilish goodies as I went. I made the whole trip in record time. All that remained, was to sit back and watch the events unfold.
Paydirt!
It did not take long for my efforts to bear fruit. The first cry came just after 6:30 AM. "ALLLG!!" The 4 year old's mom and dad came running to see what was wrong.
"Dis chockit bunny tastes wike onions!"
The same thing was happening all over town. Broccoli flavored peeps, okra jelly beans, and lima bean filled peanut butter cups were being discovered in baskets everywhere. Needless to say, my job was history, but I wasn't done yet. There was still the matter of my so called friends.
In a casual conversation with madame Tooth Fairy, I may have mentioned that I was behind the whole flouride in the drinking water controversy. She ran away screaming, and I haven't seen her since.
As for the Boogey Man, all I had to do was post his picture on the internet. Oh sure, he's plenty scary when he's hiding under your bed, or in a dark closet; but in the light of day, he's a middle-aged bald guy named Melvin, who has a fondness for bowling shirts, and wears black socks with sandals. Few children have feared him since that day.
And the Grim Reaper? Well, you can't cheat death for very long. But I did seem to regain his respect, as he has more or less left me to my own devices. But when he does finally come to call, I have a very lifelike chocolate jackalope set aside. He's not very bright, you know.
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Comments
Trust me, it was not perfectly good chocolate. If you knew my friends, you would understand!
You Mean!!--?? the little brown nuggets are not chocolate?
That is perfectly evil.
Nope. They're just...nuggets.
epitamy of evil you should be ashamed
"Broccoli flavored peeps, okra jelly beans, and lima bean filled peanut butter cups"......oh.......you are evil! (Smile)
Good to see all that evil flowing again BT - we missed this!
BT Easterpants ROFL!!!!
Thanks for the comments, guys. I'm a little rusty, but I hope to be back in full swing soon! And C.C., I've never been the epitome of anythung, to my knowlrdge. So thanks for the compliment!
Wow, I didn't realize that you'd done a stint as the Easter Bunny! Did you cover a local region, or were you international? Did you hop across the river for some butter tarts while gracing a trail of Canadian children with your evilpants doings? How was the pay? Do you have pockets to put your money in?
This is a very entertaining hub, BT! We are learning more about your life all the time.
Hey, welcome back evil creature :)
Thanks Misha, it's good to see you again!
Shirley, I was indeed international. And I think you already know I had my share of butter tarts! I had some pockets installed on my last visit to the vet. Unfortunately, they're very deep and my arms are pretty short. Thanks for coming by!
I have the same pockets! And arms.
By the way, judging by that pic of you using the daffodil facilities, you were a handsome teen.
Aw shucks...thanks!
Hey! I got one of those aspargus easter eggs when I was a wee lad. I was frightened and confused. To this day I cannot eat chocolate (but I love asparagus for some reason.) And you, Evilpants, you are to blame!
i thought the delicious brussel sprout chocolate Jackalope eggs totally delicious - thank you for your generosity and for dropping it in .. I don't wish to disrespect you in anyway - you evil panted personage but next time do you think you could leave the brussels sprouts out!? just a thought....
OH I shouldn't love evil this much...but I do! I DO! :D
Your diabolical mind becomes you, and, in this light which is terribly bright, I would have never guessed you had to do an Easter Bunny gig. But it's clear that experience only served to enhance your evilness. :)
Hysterical B.T.! :D I was laughing from beginning to end. :D
" I had in my paw, leering at me, mocking me, really; a perfect reproduction of myself. Rendered entirely in chocolate and in amazing detail. A chocolate Easter Jackalope!"
Amazing detail - do tell after all Jackalopes Don't wear clothes! I bet that those chocky Jackalope eggs are collectors items! Chocolate wiener sounds interesting.
Christoph, I do apologize if I traumatized you in any way. I'll try to direct my agression elsewhere in the future. To that end, I probably shouldn't tell you about the chocolate covered peanuts I left with that asparagus egg. And I definitely shouldn't tell you they came from the Daffodil patch.
aj! Fortunately, I'm out of the Easter egg business. But I do have a warning for you. Last I heard, Melvin, the former Boogey Man, was interviewing for the position!
Pam, what can I say but thanks! You are too kind. I wasn't really happy with this one, but time is a harsh mistress. She ran out on me, as she is known to sometimes do. Thanks for coming by. You are always welcome, here!
Sixty, I haven't seen you for a while. I'm glad you came by! A word about those two chocolate items you mentioned: Keep them separated at all costs! If they get together, you'll be overrun with lopes! Thanks for coming back into the fold, sixty. Don't be such a stranger!
Hi Bt I am around but can only spend so much time on hubs. Also I spread myself fairly widely and my timing is generally off due to time zones so I don't get to particiapte in those near real time debates. I miss Shades, Misty and Spryte as well. But I think the WII monster has claimed Spryte.
I suspect you are right about Spryte. Shades pops in once in a while, but only briefly. I sure do miss that witty banter. We should hubjack the excrement inc hub some time, and see if we can lure him in!
Great idea!
I agree with sixtyorso! We need even more fun.
In other news, I adore the idea of savory chocolates as a surprise to the unsuspecting! I roll on the floor with laughter about this. In junior high, I did something like this with a Russian pastry roll that some adults in authority insisted I make for one of their sons. Let us just say that salt and baking soda can look a lot like sugar in a filling and as an attactive glaze.
Of course I did not do it on purpose - my glasses needed changing. I was a teenage slave, as it were.
ROFLMAO!!!
Just be careful with your lifelike chocolate jackalope. You would not want to let that item melt so that you have nothing for the man when he comes around.
Kinda reminds me of when I was a kid and lived on the farm. I gave my brother a Easter treat I made for him ...it really did look like a fudgesickle and I know thats why I will spend an eternity in HELL! And I hope he never ever remembers that.
Hey, I really dig the hat. Thats money.
BT , to quote John Wayne "a lopes gotta do what a lopes gotta do", Hmm maybe that was Mae West?
You did not happen to fill in at the Golden Arches by any chance?
BT ,Thumbs up on this one.
Hi Patty! Apparently, it took an unsavory character to create savory chocolate. I hope you tried it! As always, thanks for stopping to read and comment!
BDaz, that's the greatest compliment you can give a guy like me! Thanks!!
Erick, perish the thought! He's been preserved, and airbrushed for added effect. I keep it near me at all times.
Hey alien, I guess that explains a lot! Like why you always seem to be looking over your shoulder! It also gives new meaning to the phrase SH*T eating grin, doesn't it!
Good to see you again, ag! To answer your question, I'm only part time at Mickey Dee's. Why do you ask (he queried, knowingly)? Thanks for the thumb. It beats the Hell out of the finger that most people give me!
once again, legendary.
I just had to read it. It is very creative actually. Good job. Love the plot and story line.
"It beats the Hell out of the finger that most people give me!"
Sorry mate it must be my age it was supposed to be the finger! LOL
What about using the chocolate constructively. Do the 007 goldfinger trick with chocolate. Paint the bond girl with chocolate and present her as a easter gift. Yummy!
Sixty, that is a gift that every growing lad dreams of finding in his Easter basket! It's also a gift that could get a married jackalope in a LOT of trouble!!
ag, somehow I thought it was just an oversight on your part. Thumbs are ok, but you can say so much more with a finger!
Glad you enjoyed it, SirDent. I'd love to stick around and chat, but I have a wedding to get to.
Thanks GT. I hope you're feeling better today! Come back anytime.
The cleverest yet! :)
Thanks Suzanne!
good
Chocolate delights...ummmm...Great as always...Thanks G-Ma :O) Hugs & Peace
OMG this is funny. Wonkapants, LOL! Do you have any housecleaning pants in that closet of yours?
You really are evil evilpants! Very good fun.
Thanks for reading and commenting, gpetrou85. Much appreciated!
Glad you liked it G-Ma! Since I like you, I'll go ahead and warn you against trying the chocolates!
That's a question for the ages, Gwendymom. Or, at least it's a question my wife asks 2 or 3 times a week! Thanks so muc for reading and commenting!
Thanks earnestshub! agvulpes told me all about you! I have since joined your fanclub!
Fantasticly woven story! Evil and funny at the same time. I think this is the first one I've read from you. I'd better get on the ball. Thanks for the great chuckle. Verey entertaining.
Wonkapants or wonkanopants. I agree that present of mine could get a married hubber into lots of trouble, But it may be worth it?
Lucky that I don't like chocolate much, isn't it :)
Wow! Thanks for that awesome compliment, Freida! l didn't know that I knew how to weave!
You may be right, sixty. I don't think I'm brave enough to find out, though.
Patty, I'm working on a chocolate gravy recipe. Can I tempt you?
Really hilarious hub to come home to. Well done BT, although you have put me off chocolate for life now, never mind, it was worth it !! :)
Wow, Cindy! Worth being off chocolate for life? That's the ultimate compliment! Thanks! I hope you had fun while you were away.
Cheers, yes it was great thanks. Will write about it very soon :)
B.T.Easterpants...AKA Evilpants,
Nice story. I have to admit that you have the lines. Good ones, makes me smile.
I am making a surprise visit to the White House tomorrow. Am I really going to have tea with Obama, or the legendary and crafty B.T.? Vegas odds says its B.T. and to expect lots of ch*c#l~t$! I say, ...another good day in my life.
I think Sixtyorso has had enough chocalote already. I did bump into him at you know where, and he was chococolte from the waste down. What a mess! I am glad I don't have his money and time. The bouncers there, said it is a common occurrance for Sixtyorso and that he leaves all his money as tips, so they are happy as sh*t!
Anyway, Happy Easter Everybody...you too B.T.
Chocolate gravy...maybe....
Chocolate covered, garlic roasted sardines are a treat!
My alien friend, I can not tell you anything about the inhabitants of the Whitehouse, that I haven't already hubbed about! The fifth amendment and all, you know.
Patty! I thought the gravy might get your attention! I make it with dark chocolate, and home made chicken stock. Extra giblets!
Hi Pest! If you put all of that in a blender, it makes a fantastic dessert topping! Or you could squish it betwen a couple of nilla wafers. Yum!
Yeah, i had that back home in Michigan...i think my Grandfather called it "shit on a shingle". A michigan dish I am sure.
BT, you are truly evil, and I admire you.
Thanks Tom. The world always needs some place to lay blame, so I do what I can to help out.
yea, your hubs are fine indeed, they remind me of the joy of being a child and getting up early on saturday mornings to view cartoons...I think humor is the most difficult literary genre to attempt to engage..if I were a producer I would certainly offer u syndication...what a splendid character u have created...
keep up the fantastic episodes my man....the gods know we can always use a laugh to help us heal...and i gotta tell ya-B.T. makes me laugh...
many thanks 4 exposing that fraud, the boogey man...I am greatly relieved..
You are too kind, John! As much as I would love to be syndicated, I fear that would be the point at which this would become work! Glad I could help out with your Boogey Man problem.
I had to come back here for a reread. It's still as good as the first time around. LOL The tooth fairy was brilliant. haha
Hey now, you may interested in reading my Return of the Flying Walrus hub. Yer in it my man.
Hey, thanks! I'll be right over!
tee hee hee!!
Glad you had a chuckle, lmy! Thanks for reading!
Any relation to Dr. Evil? had to ask since you both had that world domination thing going for a while!
Hi LMY! Actually, Dr. Evil was kind of an amateur. I'm the real deal!
Proud Mom says:
9 months ago
Perfectly good chocolate--thrown to the floor!