Etiquette is a lost art and in my opinion should stay lost, preferably up north in the tundra where the chances of finding it again are next to nill. I have a distant Swedish cousin named 'Nill' and he deserves to live next to etiquette. But that's another story.

Now, since  etiquette has been around for many thousands of years and doesn't look like it's going anywhere, I may as well pass on some tidbits of tips for those of you in need of tidbits or tips on etiquette.

1. When a lady leaves the room stand up. When she comes back into the room, stand up. If she sits down, you sit down (in your chair, not in hers.) If she puts her feet on the table, put your feet on the table. If she falls backwards off her chair, you fall backwards off your chair. Get the idea?

2. Never do anything until your hostess does it first. For example, no matter how much you feel the need to sneeze, wait until your hostess sneezes first. This applies to twitching,coughing and giggling.

3.Unfold your napkin by giving it a quick snap and then lay it on your right leg. If you inadvertently snap your napkin in Mrs. Cockily's face,sitting next to you, apologize immediately. Otherwise you may be guilty of a faux pas.

If you get more than three faux pas in one evening you will be banned from polite society for one year. Four faux pas and you will loose your right to insult servants. Five faux pas and you will be forced into exile.

4. Always butter your bread with your bread knife. Don't lick it afterwards. Cut your meat left to right, west to east at a 33 degree angle, Greenwich Mean Time.

5. The fork furthest from your plate and nearest to the setting sun is used when eating vegetables that begin with the letter 'T'.

6. Posture: Don't slouch no matter how much you have had to drink and if you drop some food on the floor pick it up but don't eat it. Wrap it up in your napkin and using a stamp you have in your pocket, post it off to a deserving third world country.

7. Eat your soup with the large soup spoon, filling it only 1/2 each time and don't slurp. If Mrs. Cockily slurps it is permitted to use your soup spoon to rap her knuckles...but lightly!

Subtlety is everything in etiquette, don't you know.