Ok, this is the musings of a Gay guy in a straight marriage, I'm a Christian, 43 and I think it's time to write down some of my thoughts about the whole experience, how the Church treats me, how I deal with other people and where things go from here!

Scroll to the bottom of the page for the latest postings....

Most gay Christian people I guess stay in the closet, heck I would have as well, trust me it's just MUCH easier to pretend to be straight.

I came out really because I was pushed. I confessed something to someone who told my wife and before I knew what had happened my life fell apart, my wife left with the kids for 3 days and I was ready to commit suicide if she was not coming back.

I know you all have a lot of questions, well so do I. Was I made this way? Did God create me this way, am I the result of something someone did to me when I was young? It matters, it really matters. But I am what I am, I have tried to change, I thought getting married would fix me, but it didn't, I thought prayer and fasting would fix me, but it didn't I even hoped God would fix me, but he didn't.

I believe you see, that God's plan for us is a man and a woman in marriage, but because of the fall the gene pool is damaged, some people cannot function in a straight way, like some people are deaf and cannot hear. Some people become gay simply because of the environment. But I feel that you have to accept who you are, you can't love others if you don't love yourself. I speak to myself here because I still hate myself sometimes, when you've hated yourself all your life because you thought you were "wrong" it's hard to change.

Coming out for me actually lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders. I felt I was not lying any more and I could actually deal with my gayness with the support of people instead of battling it on my own.

As for church, since I came out I didn't take communion. You know internalised homophobia is a lot easier to deal with than thinkiing everyone hates you.

Thanks to websites like http://www.gaychristian101.com I was able to reconcile my evangelical faith with my gayness.

I do still feel slightly less of a human being than a straight person. I used to lead worship before all this happened and I was going to be a street angel, to be honest I really want to do those things again, but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I don't know if the church will allow me or if I can handle it myself.

Anyway you know, some of you Christians out there will hate me, some will love me and some will just want to pop me neatly back in the Closet where it's safe for you. But Christians outed me so now you're going to have to live with me being myself, before God and the community, if you don't like it, you shouldn't have outed me. (that was a bit "ranty" sorry about that).

I also want to come alongside Gay people in straight churches. Churches need to understand just how alienating they are to gay people. How it's like for us John 3:16 has been rewritten with "Except gays" added.

I'm not going into the scripture right now because I'd just be repeating http://www.gaychristian101.com and I think they do such a good job of explaining the scriptures and why, actually, gays may not be going straight to hell. (don't pass go, don't collect £200)

Only thing I would say is that gay people need a lot of love (doesn't everyone). Acceptance is simple but a hug from someone in the church who knows what you are is worth a million dollars (Joy, thank you). Because it means that I am still part of the family, still someone who can share communion with you. Still someone who can fight the good fight of faith.

Anyway more as we go along.... Praise the Lord!

Never sacrifice yourself by becoming someone you're not just to please those around you. Always remain the person you were meant to be.

Ok I've got like 2 hours to go till my next session with the Vicar Andrew.

Questions:-

a. Will I ever be allowed to play/lead worship in church again? Timescale please?
b. Will I be allowed to be a street angel? Timescale please?
c. What was the purpose behind me going to see someone who was fixed? (by the way my BSF (best straight freind), he said that the guy can't have been very gay.
d. Why doesn't the church actually put their hand up on controversial subjects? I mean, what's he going to do when a gay couple turn up?
e. What is his response to the stuff spoken at the Alpha course a few weeks ago when someone said they would stone gay people!!! (I don't think it was one of the Christians).

If you are gay I must recommend you get yourself hitched up to Second Life and come to Castaways Island. You'll find me and all the guys there (and a few girls). We just chat and hug a lot. (or even if you are struggling with your sexuality)

My avatar is pnc Blessed friend me and I'll Teleport you.

Today I'm meeting the Vicar for a "counselling" session. Quotes because really it's just a chance for me to chat.

I'm going to be talking about how my wife came home the other day and said that they wanted me and her to go see someone who God had "fixed". Look, I'm not being funny but I've been this way for as long as I can remember, I've asked God to fix me and he hasn't. Maybe because he wants me to help people in my situation. If God couldn't hack gay people he would fix them when they became Christians. But I think He is bigger than our wildest dreams and imaginations and actually he can handle it. It's a shame that some religious people can't.

One thing that annoys me is that it's only the ANTI-Christian Gay people that wave banners. "God Hates Gay's" is the message that the church seems to give out simply because those that don't insist on not saying anything at all.

Ok ok, I know this isn't completely true, but it's how I see things as a Gay guy in  a straight world.

It would be nice for once for someone to have a plackard saying "God loves Gay people and so does this Church, we won't try to change you because Jesus just wants you to be loved and valued as human beings". That's a bit wordy, would it fit on a plackard?

I don't need "gay rights". I just need to be loved as I am.

The title of this post is really something Andrew (The Vicar, now to be known as Andrew) came out with, there was something else earlier that was just as funny but neither of us could remember it for the blog. (Yes he found out everything would be taken and given in evidence).

Now. I know the two of you who read this are DYING to hear the answer to my questions a and b were both answered brilliantly. c, was fine it wasn't what I thought it was. d, well if it came to it actually I know Andrew would be on my side. e. He'll investigate it with someone who was actually there and actually I probably overreacted a bit (I come from a long line of overreactors, ask my wife!).

You know folks I think a lot of what I had in my head were lies. Sure there are people out there that hate me because I'm gay, but you know, there are also a whole load of WONDERFUL people who love me, starting with my own wife, who despite all this has become much closer to me (without wanting me to be fixed) and all the others, you know who you are (I started writing a list but I didn't want to leave anyone out, it started getting to be a long list which is kinda cool and very moving for someone who isolated themselves).

Tomorrow I'm going to have supper with my Mum and Dad.That will be very cool.

Anyway, as Andrew says, it's not a straight road. It's a hard road, I have more issues to deal with but I'm sure with God's help I will get through it.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Well at the moment I'm still strugging with things like:-

Men's breakfasts... perhaps they will think I'm on the pull WHICH I'M NOT!
Men's Meetings generally
CHURCH stuff generally
Communion - How can we be one in Christ and share the same cup when some of the bride of Christ hates me because of what I am
Eating
Sleeping
Loneliness - I would really really really like to have a boyfriend I really would but it's just not possible, I reckon the church would eat me alive (let alone my wife!).

Otherwise I'm fine.

Ok well firstly I suffer from internalised homophobia still a bit, hating yourself because you're gay. That's the fault of really being brought up in  a world that hated gays. Especially being a Christian and thinking that God hated me as well but strangely knowing inside it wansn't true because of the assurance of faith I had in Jesus, what was in my heart.

The trouble with it is that you can't escape it. It's there all the time and it will take time for me to move to a place where I accept myself as God does and actually as my wonderful wife and Christian friends who stand with me even thought they are straight. (and the Gay guys that stand with me as well) especially those at Castaways Island in Second life (my avatar is Pnc Blessed)

External stuff doesn't bother me really I'm too busy dealing with the insides of me. But I have found helping others who feel like I do really helps me. Because I know I am not alone.

Youtube has been a help here as well, some of the coming out videos are worth watching, I remember seeing one just with people saying "You are not alone" over and over, it made me cry (what a wuss!) because actually that's what I believed, that I was alone.

Thank God for being Gay.

I've never seen rain like this...don't think we'll be heading out today.

Anyway - I have a new guitar, going to try and find a band or someone to play with (MUSIC, I know what you're like). I don't really honestly think that the church committee will allow me to play in church let alone become a Street Angel. So I'm getting ready for a let down. But it's ok because you know there are other bands out there could do with someone who can play and sing and play whistles etc etc.

Just one thing. It's not like leading worship or worshipping God. But that's ok, they can't stop me worshipping God at home.

In some ways coming out is harding than staying in. But I'm still glad it's happened.

If you fancy doing it please read http://www.gaychristian101.com and prepare a detailed thesis. Because I'm tired of it.

No it means What would Jesus do?

You know I've been thinking about all this stuff. Ok I've been leading worship and involved for 30 years or so and it may be know that people know the truth about me playing or leading will not be an option for me. But I'm still allowed to work on the Church website and do the P.A. system and that's a great privilege in itself, I'm surprised I'm even allowed to do that.

So if I don't get to play or lead worship again, that's OK with me, I had the honor of doing it for a long time and now God is dealing with me in his mercy. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt as I long to be involved in worship leading, but my Jesus is bigger than that. it could be. His love for Gay people means it doesn't matter if you don't get to do the stuff straight people do. His love is enough.

Oh and I've been invited to join a duet with one member who is sick or off or something, so I'll be playing in bars probably Fridays and Saturdays. A bit of extra income and something to do. Excellent.

On another topic went to church this morning and you know I found out what real friends are. People are backing me up and supporting me and I'm so grateful.

Ok

I have decided to throw myself into the following things to help me deal with not being able to do anything like Street Angels or Worship

a. Family - Activities with the girls and wife
b. Music - Band stuff - Guitar Lessons
c. Work - Working 110% for my excellent bosses
d. Church - Finding ways of being part of the church even though I may not be accepted as a "normal person".

I think we need to stand up with each other.

Those who are straight to stand with us and acknowledge our humanity. I recently heard a TG person was attending the coffee bar at church, but stopped coming because someone sniggered at them.

Nobody chooses this stuff, you'd be mad to. Jesus would always stand with the weak and the oppressed, the outcasts and rejects of society and I think we need to do the same. Sit with the people no one wants to sit with, talk to those who are alone. That's what true Chrstianity is, it's not amazing worship or fantastic buildings but to give to the poor and come alongside the weak and the rejects and certainly not condemn them to hell.

Today is the day each week when the "real men" of the church (straight people) go to the pub. I asked my BSF (Best Straight Friend) if I could come but I could hear in his voice a kind of "PLEASE DON'T" and when I later said something else there as a kind of stoney silence.

It's ok I get the message! I'll stay at home and watch Merlin on tv instead. I'm not too bothered because last night I got through an audition to play in a really cool duet where one of the people has fallen ill. Extra cash for Christmas plus I get to use my talents which, the more I think about it, will probably not ever be used in church again.

The trouble is I can see myself drifting into pub culture where sinners are accepted and saints are frowned upon.

I'm not sure people are actively trying to push me away from church but it sure is starting to feel that way. Perhaps I'm being slightly over sensitive.

Hey maybe I'll get some really camp guy and go to the pub that the "Real Men" are going to. That'll wind them up. (oh I'm so bitter). Or maybe Jesus will come with me.

At least He accepts me as I am, without one plea. But that His blood was shed for me.

Ok ok...I overreacted as usual (I come from a long line of overreactors), I decided to confront BSF about the pub and he was fine and I went along and it was great.

However, walking through town we saw some friends from another church and I basically disappeared into the shopping centre because I was worried what they knew or didn't know.

I wonder actually if I was being judemental and I should have just talked to them because:-

a. What  does it have to do with them that I'm Gay
b. Chatting to people can't hurt

I think it's the way I was made to come out that has left me in this mess of trying to deal with my identity as a gay person in respect of the other people around me.

Ofcourse I am first and foremost a Christian and that is what is important.

I decided by the way NOT to tell the band I'm gay. I'm not there to be gay or straight just to play gigs. I mean, you don't go to work and say "Hey everyone I'm straight". It makes no difference what your sexuality is, simply that you have a job to do and it must be done 110%

I've been taken off the PA rota. Normally I get an email asking me to do it and it's normally the 3rd Sunday of the month.

Well, I didn't get an email so I didn't turn up to church so as not to cause a scene. But I'm still helping with the church website so that's cool.

I have to say I'm really getting annoyed hearing Street Angels moaning about the weather. If you knew how much I'd love to be a Street Angel whatever the weather and what a priviledge you have in serving God this way you would not moan but be thankfull.

/me stamps feet.

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28).

I do feel a bit like a second class Christian as far as the church is concerned. When the committee decides if I can play (or even lead worship!) in church in the new year I wonder how they will base their decisions.

To be honest I've pretty much lowered my expectations in regards to it. Although there is a guy that plays sometimes that has some strange views on the divinity of Christ. But he's not gay, so that's ok.

When we get to heaven (if I get to heaven according to some Christians) there won't be a gay section. In heaven there is no marriage and no one is given in marriage. I don't think it works the same.

I long for a Christianity where everyone is accepted as equals when they come to know the Lord Jesus, whatever their sexuality. Transgender, Transexual or any of them. Because each one is a person. Valued and loved by God, proven by the sacrifice of his Son.

Will the church rise to the challenge of being welcoming to all people or do we cling on to badly translated verses, traditions or cultural pressures?

Anyway I'll carry on the battle with those that will stand with me and I so value them. But I still feel a bit alone and scared.

There is going to be a meeting between 2 vicars me and my wife soon. I guess it will be 3 straight people vs the gay guy. I wish they knew how I really felt. I just want to support my wife and kids the best I can, it's not perfect because I am incapable of feeling passion for a woman. I've tried (even put it on quite well), but it's not me.

Well next week I have a meeting with 2 straight vicars and my wife. I'm told I'm going to be asked to renew my marriage vows. I don't think it will be 3 against one but tbh I'm pretty scared.

My wife wants to tell me how she feels. I think they want me to renew my marriage vows. In other words they are going to "make me straight"!

I hope not because I'm not sure how I can cope with it.