The New City Safety Car
73Breaking News
20 March 2009, New York: Flash Feature, USA Foreign Auto Industry News Weekly
Wolwo launched their US 2010 ad campaign today flooding television, print, and Internet media with high-end ads premiering the long-awaited city safety model. Said Velda Vargola, VP, Advertising and Public Relations for the Scandinavian-based automaker from her New York office, “Wolwo has long been the global leader in innovative auto safety technologies, and we believe our city safety model will secure our position in the universal auto consumer market.”
Low Impact Crash in the City
What the City Safety Model Does
The enthusiastically anticipated 2010 city safety model combines driver and passenger comfort with safety features until now only dreamed about by incompetent drivers. A radar sensor in the car’s windshield tracks the distance between the car and an object in front of the car, and slams on the brakes in case the driver fails to do so. According to Wolwo’s mission for this project, the aim is to reduce auto damage and human damage insurance claims, specifically, claims for front and rear-end damage to cars and whiplash occurrences in humans when cars are traveling at low speeds; the old adage, “You snooze, you lose” may become a welcomed anachronism, at least at low speeds.
When asked about the efficacy of the new safety feature while driving at speeds along roadways that allow travel at an excess of 80 km/hour, Ms. Vargola said, “We have utilized the visual sensing technology to the utmost at this point in time. We count on our customers to use their good sense.”
It's OK To Do this in the Wolwo
SNORE Endorses the City Safety Model
The first major auto industry association to place its stamp of approval on the innovative system is the association of Scandinavian National Operational Road Engineers (SNORE). In a statement accompanying the Wolwo announcement, Hans Johansen, SNORE Safety Director said, “It is likely Wolwo’s new safety standards will have an impact on SNORE’s objectives as our organization evolves in the next decade. After all, our prime concern is improving roadway operations. We envision enhancements to Wolwo’s technology that will allow embedded roadway sensors to provide protection at speeds in excess of 30 km/hour. The technology is not that far out of reach, and we will modify our objectives accordingly while we follow Wolwo’s progress.”
Wolwo’s Safety History
Wolwo has been a pioneer in auto industry consumer safety for the last two decades. Side impact amelioration structures were introduced in the early 1990s to protect against the Wolwo’s sides collapsing upon low-speed impact with another vehicle. A few years later, air bag technology was put into full-scale production, protecting Wolwo front-seat passengers from the devastating bodily harm caused by low-speed, head-on collisions. The statistical safety data, as well as the promotional messages from Wolwo, were clear: Drive a Wolwo and you’ll be safe, despite what you may do to others.
A Great Source of Free Cartoons
Royalty-Free Cartoons by Grea (Sydney, Australia). High quality royalty-free cartoons which you are free to use as long as you don't alter them without permission.
The US Has Its Opinions
Legislators in the US are following the introduction of the city safety model closely. Representative Daniel McGinty, Chairman, House Auto Safety and Sanctions Committee, had this to say, “We are investigating the design and promotion closely. We wouldn’t want American drivers to think this car would do the driving for them, exposing fellow road travelers to unexpected dangers.”
Senator Leslie B. Collins had this to say over cocktails at the Grey Goose Café in Washington, D.C., “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Despite repeated phone calls to the senator’s offices, Collins would not elaborate about to whom either the goose or the gander referred.
Perhaps most revealing concerning the safety of anyone who is not inside the new Wolwo model is this, from the US Department of Bureaus and Licenses spokesman Clyde Waller, “We are considering issuing drivers’ licenses specific to Wolwo owners. In other words, if you drive a Wolwo, then you may not, legally, in the US, drive any other car. It would be OK for you to fall asleep in the Wolwo, because of the safety features, but we can’t risk that mind-set when you are operating any other car.”
The Man on the Street
We sent our stringers onto the streets of New York City and Detroit. We wanted you to know what the man on the street had to say.
Selma Hingstrom, New York: I’m not a man, but thank you for asking what I think. I think this is the car of my dreams, because I will not get a whiplash if I fail to apply my brakes before I hit the taxi driver in front of me.
Jack Lee, Detroit: It’s nice to know that if I want to ram the sh**t out of the ahole driver who swerved left to make a right-hand turn, my car won’t let me.
Gina Colletti, New York: I’m only 8 years old. I can’t drive a car yet. So, when I get to be 18, I guess I can, like, put it on auto, right?
Late Breaking News
In a late-breaking development, this reporter learned that a competing auto industry giant is on the same path to auto safety.
Disclaimer
Any similarity to any auto manufacturer or its representatives, to any government official of any government, to any industry newsletter or industry association is purely coincidental.
Real Auto Safety News
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Who has banned cell phones? Find out which countries around the world, and which states here in the U.S. have a ban on cell phones while driving. Get some interesting facts on partial bans and the amounts of some fines enforced around the world if you are caught talking on your cell phone while driving. Driving is distracting enough without adding phone coverstations and texting into the equation. - 10 days ago
- Risky Driving Behaviors
Risky driving behaviors. We see other people engage in these risky driving behaviors everyday while we are traveling the roads. Do you engage in any of these dangerous driving practices? - 3 weeks ago
- Keeping Safe When Deer Take To The Road
Keeping safe when deer take to the road is something we should think about throughout the entire year, but even more so in the fall when deer activity increases. A collision with a deer can be very dangerous, both to your safety, and to your vehicle. Find out how to keep safe. - 2 months ago
- Replacing Your Child Safety Seat After a Crash
Replacing your child safety seat after a crash is a must! If your vehicle has been in a collision it can cause some hidden structural damage to your child's safety seat. - 2 months ago
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Comments
Teresa, I'm going to join you in snurkeling...however, my raisins have been soaked in gin.
It is frightening. Wolwo is taking the responsibility of the driver away and putting it into the hands of technology, government, society? Indeed, scary.
My daughter and I reminisced a few days ago about being children and driving those tracked cars in amusement parks...you can't go wrong. You can accelerate, steer wrongly, but have a whale of a good time, because the car goes on tracks that protect you.
TY for cool comments.
"the car’s windshield tracks the distance between the car and an object in front of the car, and slams on the brakes in case the driver fails to do so."
This hub is soo funny, I was wondering if the hear attack risk would rise when the auto slammed on the brakes. Can you imagine what would happen if the windshield got broken? Great Hub.
Wjikat, LOL! That's just the image, isn't it? God forbid the windshield cracks. Thanks so much for your comments.
You really had me going. I kept thinking, wow, these Scandinavians sure have a sense of humor (SNORE). Eventually, even the critically daft will get the joke. So expertly done it could have been real, up until we got to America, but then the Goose and the Gander got me laughing, and by the time we got to the people on the street I was rolling! Expert!
Remided me of the Poem my poetry teacher recited once (we've discussed my poetry experience, and this is the only thing I remember.) It went, "Love likes a gander, but adores a goose." You really "goosed" me on this one! I have got to get me one of those cars!
Christoph, I am delighted to have goosed you, if that makes you feel good. :)
More important, you engaged and you laughed. (Can hardly believe you got strung along for that long.)
How do I love thee, let me count the ways...and where the hell have you been? No need to answer, I'll take it as metaphorical question with a certain answer in the future.
Thanks so much for your awesome comments.
Where have I been? You're right. This hub was published a whole hour and 15 minutes ago and I'm just getting here. I promise to be more prompt in the future, Mrs. Trove. I brought this apple for you.
But what about the other Hubs I wrote that you didn't comment on. Huh? Huh? Huh? (Might only have been one renegade Hub.) And it's Ms. Thanks for the apple.
Christoph is thinking of Roethke's "I knew a woman, lovely in her bones." -- great poem, and very very funny, too.
After the second reference to Wolwo I started suspecting this might be an early April Fool's hub. What a hoot!
Not long ago, someone told me they thought that's what "cruise control" did -- you could set the CC and actually move to the back seat and the car would drive itself. What's next, the Beam me up, Scotty Sedan? LOL. Good fun!!! MM
Thanks, Teresa, I've always wanted to be appreciated for being lovely in my bones. :)...can't wait to hear what CR has to say about that.
MM, YES! Exactly. Wolwo is capitalizing on everyone's dream of CC to do their driving for them. ROTFLMAO! (Actually, I think their motive is not so altruistic, but it sure makes some happy.)
Thanks for your awesome comment.
Yes, I see now you have written another "hub improvement" article, titled very similarly to the previous article, so when I saw it in hubtivity, I mistakenly thought it was the hub I already had read (and was ridiculed on). Of course, in the very recent past, I wrote the hub that I am most proud of, ever. I waited and waited for you to comment, but alas, you never did. Anyway, I will remedy your missed hub tomorrow, when I'm fresh and alert. My apologies.
I don't think I'll touch "Lovely in your bones," except to say I love it, and will try to find it and read the whole thing. Thanks Teresa.
And thank you Sally. Your variety of talent never ceases to amaze.
Ay ay ay, Sally, I laughed my way pretty much through all this article, but had to take a break when I reached the good Senator's statement! The honorable Leslie B. Collins talks like a TRUE politician! Laugh! I completely lost the plot when I read the man on the street bit!
Aside from the fun, I'm always quite neutral when it comes to technology. I don't think advances are good or bad, it's the way they are used that makes them UGH. I think a far greater danger than technology is how it is applied and how it is presented to "remove" responsibility from human decisions. Like, my care made me! Yes, indeed! In the long run, if people are given an escape route in the sense that it wasn't their behavior that created an accident, they most certainly will use it, and that's when we have a problem, I think.
Oh well, that was a bit heavier than this hub called for, but it did make me think, besides laugh, aplenty! :-)
Christoph, it is now MY turn to say, "Oops, open mouth insert foot." That's why a special person in my life, when told I wanted to be a comedian, said, "Better keep your day job, Hon." Please forgive me for failing to comment on your Hub. I'll be happy to take my 20 lashes now.
Thank goodness I wasn't drinking milk - it would have come right out my nose. Brilliant hub! There is nothing wrong with your sense of comedy, and I'm sorry I made a face at you when we were discussing your ideas for this hub. O, me of little faith!
"Jack Lee, Detroit: It’s nice to know that if I want to ram the sh**t out of the ahole driver who swerved left to make a right-hand turn, my car won’t let me." LERV IT! I agree, sometimes that kind of help controlling violent impulses WOULD be a good idea. (But what kind of new and scathing curse word has TWO letters between the H and the T? Tell me! Tell me! I want to use it in a sentence!)
I totally need a Wolwo now. I would drive it with a fresh pedicure, with my feet up on the dashboard, and use the CC to go and the IdiotBrake to stop. Of course, if I bought a Wolwo, you'd surreptitiously slash my tires and never speak to me again. But I would be repaid with a new group of self-oblivious friends who blame other people for their problems. Hmmm... decisions!
Good job riffing on (and then including) the video. I can't believe TWO major auto manufacturers were working on the same groundbreakingly horrible idea! Stinks for Volvo that Wolwo got there first. *grin* Love you!
I accept your apology, annemaeve. You've completely redeemed yourself. Thanks to you, I can now reveal the secret curse word...that would be an "a" and an "r". :p and LOL.
Yes, I would slash your tires. But, since I raised you to make good decisions, I suspect you won't have to worry about said tires.
Thanks always for your awesome comments!
Hodey Ho Ho! But point is raised. This would make a great toonlet!
I got lost in the comments
Elena, please be as light or heavy about this as you want to be, need to be. In fact, I have very strong feelings about how this particular piece of technology is being marketed, and the only way I can keep from getting burned up about it is to poke fun at it. In fact, I've been burned up about this company for years, because it was years ago that their insidious marketing strategy was launched, and ever since then there's been a decline in defensive driving education and practice. I could go on, but I better quit now!
I agree wholeheartedly that technology in and of itself is neither good nor bad; it's what we do with it that's important.
Hey, I'm really happy when I can make someone both think and laugh, and I'm so glad you did.
HD, can't wait to see what tixrus does with it!
Issues, this comment trail did take a bit of a detour. But I think we're back on track. Thanks for reading and commenting.
That's funny! I want to see a model with auto-brights attached to the rear bumber that come on for the a-hole behind me with their brights on!!!!
HAHA Cathy! Me too. Wolwo should consider your suggestion. After all, it will make driving safer for the Wolwo owner, and to hell with the other guy. That's the spirit!
You had me too for a while, but then that isn't too hard to do hey? Hee hee LOL My question is why do the car mfg. need to make new cars every year? why not every say 3 years? if they are made to last, they wouldn't have so many left over's...and what do they do with them anyways???Thanks for the grins :O) G-Ma Hugs & Peace
Ah, G-Ma, the conspicuous consumption and planned obsolescence cycles are happily at work here. How else could we possibly explain such a stellar rise of the new economic growth sector called "green"? See? There's a reason for everything. :) So glad you got some grins.
I seen some weird beyond tomorrow episode where they trying to make these cars for kids... that will drive them to school. lol. no joke, theyre like mini cars.... weird... scary.... : ) nice hub!
MellasViews, that is so cool! I'm having this vision of a parent tucking its little kid into a plastic pod on wheels, zipping the top shut, pointing it toward the open kitchen door, and pushing the "go to school" button. Poor kid, not to be seen again until after the soccer practice, after the football practice, after the after-school program, when the pod rolls in the kitchen door and spits its little occupant into a kitchen chair, all ready for dinner, because the pod sprayed the kid's hands and face with antibiotic solution on the way home.
A lot of families are there already, having to have their kids cared for all day by someone else, but the little pod would make it so much easier, and it's so CUTE! ROTFLMAO. Funny but sad too, because it's do-able in the not so distant future. All it takes is a bunch of greedy investors and some smart engineers and marketing pros...to hell with the children, we're going to make money!
Fantastic! How insane! It's like when we were kids and made up all kinds of what ifs and they should's! Very enjoyable.
Frieda, it is a little like watching kids have fun, isn't it? But when we're kids, we're not responsible for the consequences of such fantasies, quite the opposite, we're supposed to have the fantasies to encourage creativity. The responsibility lessons come through the experiences we have growing up. When older people fail to embrace responsibility, well, this is the potential you get.
Glad you enjoyed!
Ok, so I've just been bamboozled? I was going to quote the same sentence about the slamming of breaks! Geeze.
Not to mention, you again roped me in. I saw what you commented on, and again, I thought, why would she read that? hahahaha! An early April Fool for sure, shame on me.
PS: and you didn't even hint to me about this yesterday :)
Trish, my friend, I like to think of myself as a woman of mystery, mysterious even to her best friend (snort). Glad I gotcha!
LOL, love the cartoon! :)
Grea's work is fantastic, isn't it?
Hello Sally, Thanks for an entertaining Hub. In the UK, Volvo almost always publishes a 'spoof' ad for April Fools Day. So espeically enjoyed your version.
Patricia, that's hysterical. I had no idea. I guess Volvo just got an American freebee. No, wait...I think I'll send them a bill, now that I've been informed of the British strategy. LOL.
The Wolwo doesn't sound very promising now you put it in that way?! LOL I'll avoid one if that ever comes across.
What a hoot Sally!! I know you have a sense of humor ... but this one is crazy .... a complete topper .... I couldn't stop laughing, right through till the very end.
You missed out the "man (including woman and child) on the street" in the disclaimer - hope you are well insured against legal liabilities!
mayhmong, so glad you found this and commented. Yes, best to avoid it and protect the lives of those you know and don't know!
Jaspal, the man, woman, or child on the street will have to fend for his, her, or itself. I have no liability for them. My lawyer assured me that if they sued, they'd get nothing because there's nothing to get!
So glad you got a chuckle out of this from start to finish. :)
Sally, well written and hilarious. You had me fooled til you injected phrases like - slam on the brakes -it created a picture in my mind of cars all over, jerking to a halt when the mechanism failed.
I really like what you said, Dolores...there is a picture there in the mind about all this, which you shared...it is hilarious. Just think of the possibilities!
If only the car could drive for us!!!! I could get caught up on my hubbing.
LOL RGraf, you are so right! One less thing to get in the way of what we have to do, day to day. Thanks so much for your comment.
The passion comes through so clearly ST. Have you tried writing to the powers that be at Wolwo? Great hub - lots of tongue-in-cheek humour
Indeed I have, Sabu, many times. The letters keep coming back stamped "Addressee Unknown"! ;)
Sally - you almost had me there LOL! Very funny but the thread of seriousness underneath can be sobering!
Shalini, yes it can. The company's marketing strategy has done more to absolve a driver from responsibility than not. Seriously, I keep my distance from WolWo drivers, have done so for years. It would be interesting to know, of the auto accidents involving this company's cars with cars of other manufacturers, which drivers are more frequently found to be the cause of an accident: the Wolwo driver or the driver of the other auto.
Thanks for the good words. Always so nice to see you!
You can't be too safe!
Right you are, nicomp. And safety begins in the mind, attitude, and experience of the driver, not the engineering of the car. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment!
I just found this hub, and would like to scare the hell out of you with this. The sensor tech already in use! I will look it up on google when time permits, I think the developer was Benz!
I admit, you did scare the hell out of me! Now I've got to put MB on my "no buy" list as well? What's the world coming to? Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
I got a kick out of that cartoon. Great hub. Keep up the good work!
Marshall, Grea is a talented cartoonist in so many ways. Go visit her site for an hour or two of laughs that won't quit. Thanks for reading and leaving the good words!
Sally, you had me for awhile there. I had my own cartoons going through my head as I read this. Totally grinning all the way through.
Thanks
LOL, Duchess...having your own cartoons going through your head. I had a sneaky suspicion that you are a quite visual person. I already know you have a great sense of humor. So glad I got your goat, if only for an instant.
If you would ever like to have a superb cartoonist illustrate your writings (I would and do, because although I may have the ideas, I don't have the talent to put them into visuals), please email Grea and tell her I sent you her way. Visit her site...it's a gold mine. She is awesome! A networking moment not to be missed.
Thanks, off to check it out now.
Hi Sally - hadn't noticed your name on Hubtivity for a while so just popped in to say Hello :)
Hi Shalini! So nice to hear from you. Will send you and email.
Teresa McGurk says:
8 months ago
Outright snurkeling (that's when you try to chuckle when you're eating chocolate-covered raisins). Clever, witty, and rather frightening, actually. At what point will there just be tracks in cities, onto which cars are automatically fixed and regulated at speed and distance from each other?