Hello friends, do I have a story for you!  Over the past few weeks my wife had been complaining that her back hurting and would ask me to rub it over and over again day in and day out.  Finally she decided the best thing for her was to get a massage.  We are on a tight budget so dropping $125 on a massage wasn’t really in the cards. 

Desperate to get a massage to relieve her pain she turned to a reliable friend named Craig.  Craig immediately posted a want ad on his famous list for a masseuse to come to our house once a month.  Ok, so for those idiots who read this thinking I have an actual friend named Craig…no, I am talking about fucking craigslist.  Anyway, my wife had a few people email her about the opportunity and we decided to go with this 27 year old girl named Dana. 

Lauren emailed Dana directly and told her we wanted someone to come over once a month to give us both deep tissue massages.  She said she is used to making house calls and we settled on a day…that would be last Wednesday. 

So Wednesday came and she arrived at 6:00PM sharp just as planned.  She walked in the door and was a very very thin girl with long blonde hair, lip piercings, tattoos all over her body and kind…maybe…looked like she may have a crystal meth addiction.  Who am I to judge a book by its cover though…so away my wife went with her upstairs to get her massage while I handled the children. 

Since we have little ones, we have monitors in both the kids’ rooms.  My wife and the masseuse were in our bedroom with the door open so I could hear them through both the kids’ monitors.  I couldn’t hear exactly what was being said, just that there was talking going on.  Holy shit…there was talking, talking and more fucking talking. 

I am somewhat of a massage connoisseur and one thing I dislike in my massage therapists is a blabbermouth.  I don’t care what you have to say and I don’t want to talk…just massage me and shut the hell up.  I mean, when I go to a spa or whatever and I first meet the person who will be giving me the massage, I have to talk to them for a brief period of time just to be polite, but then usually I stop talking and they follow suit.  That is what a professional is supposed to do.

Anyway…where are we at in this story…oh yes.  So, after an hour my wife comes down and tells me it is my turn.  She gave me a look as if the massage sucked and said, “wow, she talks a lot.”  I told her I heard the yip yappin from the monitors and knew what I was in for. 

Here is where the story gets good; my massage.  So I enter my bedroom, Dana has her massage table prepped and tells me we can do this in a number of different ways.  She tells me I can disrobe to my underwear (boxers, tighty-whiteys or bikini bottoms) or I can just go nude and she will drape a sheet over me. 

I don’t know this girl and I figured I would opt for the underwear option.  I told her I would leave my underwear on and she said, “Ok, just take your clothes off and jump on the table.”  I said ok and waited for her to leave the room…and waited a little more…then…yeah…she didn’t leave.  She looked over at me with a look of like…”so why aren’t you getting undressed?”  I am not a shy man so I threw all caution to the wind and disrobed in front of her and lye on the massage table face down.

She went through some normal questions as to where my pain was and what I wanted her to focus on which I replied my neck and back.  I had been working at the office today and looking down at a bunch of forms for hours and my neck was killing me.

She slathered on some Bio-Freeze on my neck…which no other masseuse has ever done before (just kinda weird if you ask me) and started rubbing me down.  This girls wasn’t pushing too terribly hard and since it was a “deep tissue” massage, I lie there waiting for the deep tissue part to start…but it didn’t.

This girl was rambling on about every little thing that popped into her head.  She was asking me about the kids, my wife, what I did, the weather…holy shit…everything imaginable.   Oh and before I forget…she had the lights on full blast and no sort of spa music to help the relaxation portion; great! (Read that last line with a thick portion of sarcasm.)

So eventually we got to talking about her children; she has 2 boys and one girl.   The oldest son whom is 9 is named “Kevin,” which is a pretty normal name and whatever…it’s a boy’s name.  The next boy’s name was…get this…first name “Crash,” middle name “Danger.”  Are you serious?  The little girl’s name was “Sailor.”  She told me she decided for her two younger kids she wanted to name them something fun and weird because…”why not?”

I’ll tell you “Why Not,” because they have to live with those names for the rest of their life you fucking twat.  “Crash” has a limited number of career opportunities in front of him such as Crash test dummy, stuntman, rockstar…and…yeah that’s about it.  He can’t even be a racecar driver if he wanted to because…seriously…would you hire a driver named “Crash?”  The answer is NO!  With “Sailor,” well she needs to do some sort of profession that has to do with…uh…yep…sailing.  Good luck with that sailor.  Actually I guess she can swear up a storm and it would be acceptable to society wouldn’t it?  So., needless to say… I was signified pretty early that this woman giving me a massage was an idiot. 

Right after we talked about the kids she said my wife had told her that I needed to leave at 8:00PM and asked why?  I told her I was a musician and I had to meet with a bar owner about a handful of gigs I am performing at in the next few weeks.  She immediately said, wow you like to be in front of crowds, me too, that’s why I was a stripper. 

Ok, so this girl was a stripper at one time…big surprise.  Actually, I shouldn’t know this about her…I am just here to get a massage…not learn her life’s history.  She was telling me she got into stripping because her friend bet her $20 she wouldn’t go dance.  She said she took the bet and 4 years later was still stripping.  She said she stopped stripping when her son turned 7 because she was afraid someone might tell him about her mother being a stripper.  Oh…that is so nice of her…does anyone have the “mother of the year award” so I can present it to her? 

Pretty soon she was fidgeting with my boxer briefs and said “You know what, I am going to get oil all over your underwear so let’s just take them off.”  Before I could even respond, she pulled my underwear off and tossed them on the floor.  Now, as I am in shock…I am lying face down on her massage table completely naked with no towel or sheet over my bum bum and she is rubbing all over my ass.  She tells me that most spas don’t focus on the “ass massage,” and that she thinks it is one of the best parts of getting a massage.  I was a little tense at this point because I am feeling awkward and confused and a little taken off guard but…what am I going to do?  I just went with it. 

After a few minutes I was thinking that my little girls could walk up the steps at any point in time and didn’t want them to see me naked on a table.  I had conflicting thoughts about what to do.  I was wanting to close the door so my kids wouldn’t see, but then at the same time….I didn’t want to close my door and have my wife think something strange is going on.  But…yes something strange was definitely going down.  Eventually, I asked the woman to close the door and explained that the kids could come up at any time. 

This would be the part of the conversation where a normal, rational person would respond to me by saying “oh, why don’t I put a sheet over you” or, “let me cover you up a little.”  Nope, she just slammed the door shut and locked the door.  Weird.

After the door was shut she went back to talking about stripping and rubbing my ass and legs.  This tramp massage lady then started telling me that she has 75% male clients and she sometimes goes to office buildings to give massages on their lunch breaks to wealthy snobby asshole.  She said it is great money and even thought she thinks they are douchebags, she enjoys spending their money. While this conversation is taking place she is rubbing my legs and going in-between them crazing my ball bag with every pass.

I was so not enjoying my massage. I was so consumed with how weird things were going and how I was naked in front of her that I couldn’t focus on the actual sensation of the massage.  I was feeling more tense then when we started.

Pretty soon I was told…”Ok, roll over.”  Again, a normal and rational person would have a sheet to hold up as you roll over and place it over my package…but not this girl.  She just looked at me while I rolled over, dick swinging in the breeze.  I saw her look down at my cock immediately which made me somewhat suspicious of her motives. 

She could sense that I was a bit uncomfortable so she decided to ease the tension by telling me not to worry, she had seen it all and people get hard all the time in front of her; she takes an erect penis as a compliment.  Not helping bitch.

I wasn’t hard, but I felt it wouldn’t be long before I was because her hands seemed to explore everywhere on my body.  Sometimes you just can’t help growing a boner when you have a girl in your presence touching your body while you are naked.  Plus, it is even harder not to get hard when the girl is all in that region and was an ex-stripper. 

I didn’t want to be hard but I didn’t want to be completely soft either because…that would be embarrassing.  I was concentrating on the half-way point.  I was trying to keep my flag at half mass if you know what I mean.  I wanted to be impressive yet not standing at attention which would give off that I was not affected by her antics.  What makes this harder was she continued to talk about sex and stripping and tits and other girls.  I mean…really…stop it. 

I was so out of my comfort zone and in shock of my situation that I think it helped me keep for poppin a rod.  I was on to her though…I know she was trying to get me hard so she could offer what we in the know call a “happy ending.”  She is absolutely a hooker masquerading as a massage therapist.  She would purposely rub around my crotch area and even did a weird stomach massage.  I mean…who gives stomach massages?  No one gives or takes a fucking stomach massage because it is stupid. 

The thing that makes this extra weird and uncomfortable is that my wife and children are right down stairs.  This isn’t like I went to a 24hour massage parlor where we all know what goes on in there.  This was an innocent massage request for relaxation and pain management.  She had some nerve to try and get a little yanky-cranky action out of me.

On top of that…I am sure if I were the type of person who partakes in devious behavior as to get my dick sucked by a stranger in my house with my wife and kids present by a masquerading masseuse…I am sure it would have cost extra.  Imagine me coming downstairs and grabbing the money to pay her and then having to ask for an extra fifty or whatever it would have cost from my wife.  She would have been like…why is it more than what we agreed to via email?  Well, because “Happy Endings” are costly this day and age honey.  Yeah…that wouldn’t have worked out to well for me?  Nope, would have been pretty bad.

After a while I looked over at the clock and it was time for me to go.  I told her I had to leave and to wrap it up.  She looked down at my penis and then toward me and kind of shrugged and started packing up her stuff.  I jumped off the table, found my skivvies and quickly put them on.  I grabbed some jeans from my dresser, threw on a shirt and opened the door.

I helped her pack up some stuff and escorted the escort/hooker down stairs.  I gave her $80 for me and my wife’s massage and bid her ado.  As she opened the door she slid me her business card which read…”Affordable TLC and Massage.”  What was the TLC?  Was it blowjobs?  Was it Handjobs?  Was it fucking?  We may never know…but I know…if you know what I mean.  It was written all over her face and oozed out her actions.  She was a rub n tug.

After she left my wife asked me how it went and I told her…”I’m gonna be honest with you…it got a little weird.”   I explained the whole situation and she was like…”yeah that is weird.” 

At least I got a pretty good story out of it to share with everyone.  If anyone in the Chicago-land area is looking for a whore who pretends to massage you and will suck your dick…I got her number.