When I was growing up, I would lay in my bed and listen to my father play his old records on the record player when they would have friends over. My parents would make us kids go to bed and they would stay up laughing, listening to music and enjoying their friends' company.

What my parents didn't know was that I would sit up in my bed and listen to the Motown, Rock and comedy records that they would listen to. Most of the comedy records weren't in any way suitable for kids, hence the reason my parents would send us to bed.

One person always had me cracking up so hard that it would take my covering my mouth so my parents wouldn't hear me laughing. One person made me pee my pants. That person was George Carlin.

So in case you're from another planet and have never heard of George Carlin let me tell you a little about his career. He is the author of three bestsellers, "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops", Napalm & Silly Putty", and "Brain Droppings". He has released eighteen comedy albums, appeared in eleven feature films:written and performed twelve HBO comedy specials; received four Grammy awards; and has been nominated for four Emmy's. Not bad for a guy from "White Harlem" (Manhattan).

George Carlin's humor isn't for everyone. He managed to offend everyone from the Pope to the President. If your prone to enjoying humor based on the realities of human nature and the quirky side of humanity, you just might like him. If anyone has read my hubs, you can clearly see that this defination pretty much desribes me.

When Mr. Carlin passed away June 22, 2008, I cried. It was a sad day for comedy and a sadder day for his fans.

So this hub is dedicated to my father (a funny guy who introduced me to George Carlin without even knowing it) and to an even funnier guy who made me piss my pants...even to this day. George Carlin you will be missed.

 If they decide to cover Viagra under Medicare, we'll be paying for other people's boner's.

I think they ought to have black confetti: it would be great for funerals. Especially if the dead person wasn't too popular.

It's time to start slapping people.

You never see an elderly midget. Apparently their live spans are shorter too.

Why bother with the suicide watch when someone is on death row?

Watching television these days, I often wonder what happened to the "vertical hold" knob. I miss that.

Electricity is really just organized lightening.

Masterbation is not illegal, bit if it were, people would probably take the law into their own hands.

Whom does a male ladybug dance with?

I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition in life is to eat, drink and be Mary.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, it changed.

I don't have a fear of heights. However, I do have a fear of falling from heights.

In Los Angeles there's a hotline for people in denial. So far no one has called it.

So far this is the oldest I've been.

By and large language is a tool for concealing the truth.

 A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind, It just becomes something more entertaining.

Let's give credit where it is do. Scotch tape was a really great idea.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

In Maine in order to save energy, there are several lighthouses that close at night.

Why don't they have a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at?

Don't you think it's funny that all these tough guy boxers are fighting over a purse.

Most people don't know what their doing and a lot of them are really good at it.

I could never decide if "what's his name" should be capitalized.

A lot of guys stay in the closet because their interested in fashion.

I don't own any stocks and bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.

I think they should have a hot line that never answers, for people who don't follow advice in the first place.

True Fact: There is actually such a thing as the Paralyzed Veterans of America. And I wonder, who answers the phone?

The Golden Gate Bridge should have long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

No one ever knows whats next, but they always seem to do it.

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition. Then ask them if they have any ski masks.

No one who has ever had "Taps" played for them has never been able to hear it.

On Thanksgiving, most people give thanks for the things they have. Not me. I use Thanksgiving to ask for more stuff.

If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it for a real long time.

Nothing is more boring than listening to someone describe a dream.

"No comment" is a comment.

Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums are.

The best place to be during an earthquake would be a stationary store.

No one can ever be sure what a deserted area looks like.

A cemetery is a place where dead people live.

When are they gonna come up with new Christmas carols?

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.