With Dedication to Lisa Dawson for reaching out to me in friendship:

I love the south especially Georgia. I enjoy the life style and the warmth of the people here.. I like everything about the south except a couple of things. I am not overly fond of the heat in our long summers but know that is why God invented air conditioners and fans. I am good with the heat because of the promise of autumn. There is one thing I took an instant dislike to when first I made Georgia my home five years ago, and have grown increasingly to despise. I am referring to the gnat.

For those unfamiliar with gnats be very grateful! To acquaint those fortunate to have never seen or heard of a gnat, this is the best ever description of this miserable flying atrocity. A gnat is the approximate size of a period at the end of a sentence. If one has a chance to look closely at a gnat before either breathing one in or having one fly to it’s death in one’s mouth, it would look a lot like a fly except it’s considerably smaller. What it loses in size it makes up for in overpopulation, though I am of the opinion that even one of these miserable miscreant is an act of overpopulation by itself.

There are an uncountable number of these things. To make matters worse they are among the best fliers in the insect kingdom. If the air force could train their pilots to fly like these intolerable insects there would be no air force in the world that could beat them. In addition they seem to welcome committing suicide. They seem to jump at a chance to give their lives by flying up your nose, mouth ears or near enough to be slapped out of existence. If this wasn’t bad enough, when they are flying in formation near ones ear they give a sound that could be mistaken for a B52 bomber or at the very least the sound of mosquitoes.

A native Georgian told me that gnats have given Georgia a couple of things. Gnats have given us the Georgian wave. This is a sort of limp wristed wave from left to right which at first glance looks like a weak wave to your friends, when in fact it’s sort of a human windshield wiper effect. The purpose of the wave is to clear enough gnats to see long enough to get inside the house away from the gnats as quickly as possible. There has been an expression coined just for the gnats called “dog days of summer.” Gnats are an equal opportunity annoyer, not being particularly fussy over who or what they annoy. Dogs are easy victims of these awful annoyers and seem to count the days until the dog days are over. The other day I came out of my house and could swear I saw my dog scratch out a line in the dirt under what appeared to be words that read “Dog Days” though I can’t be sure. As soon as he saw me he quickly sat down on top of these words and couldn’t be persuaded to get up. He did however give me a Georgia wave. This is pretty remarkable when you consider dogs don’t have wrists.

The other day just after I ran inside my house barely ahead of an air force of gnats, I considered the lessons God has taught us through insects. For example Ants teach us to work hard and if someone threatens you in any way the best thing to do is to bite them. Cockroaches teach us that there is food value in anything and if you hide long enough no matter how badly you stink you never have to take a bath. I could not think of one lesson God has taught us with the nasty gnats. Then it hit me, God invented gnats to show us that he has a sense of humor. The lesson would be a little better if the gnat season was a little shorter but there is no way I am going to question this one.

It doesn’t appear that there are any real uses for gnats so out of the kindness of my heart I have made a list. I believe that there is room for more uses but for the interest of time I have kept the list relatively short.

1. Diet food- a dieter can eat as many of these babies (I encourage them to eat a lot of them) without gaining a pound. Of course there is no taste and no flavor in them but that’s better than a lot of diet foods.
2. All-purpose distracter (can be used in the military as well)- to be used when being yelled at, cornered and in trouble. Just release a box or bottle of the gnats and watch them distract your tormentors. It will give you enough time to get way unharmed more or less.
3. Boredom reliever- for those times a little amusement is needed like an over long meeting, concert or ballet. Just release a box or a bottle of these ignoble gnats and watch the place come alive.
4. Detective/little brother, little sister helper- for those who need to get in the room of their sibling or home of someone they don’t have permission to do so. Just release a bottle or box of these tiny terrors and the coast will be clear but a warning to the user; keep an extra bottle or box with you just in case your victim gets away from the just released gnats and the door knob starts turning, a quick release of these troublesome troubadours will give you enough time to get out of wherever you are.

I am not an expert of gnatology but feel reasonably certain that to the best of my gnowlege the gnotes on gnats that I have shared here is all a person gneeds to gnow. Oh one more thing it has never been clear as to why gnats are called gnats rather than nats but it could have something to do with the first man who discovered them. His name is Gnorman Gneedham but I am gnot all that sure if this is totally true.