The Role of the Stepmother in Today's Blended Family

Thanks to Walt Disney, the stepmother role has been made into a villain; a vile, evil person who only wishes to make the life of her stepchildren miserable.

While there are undoubtedly many stepmothers out there with less than good intentions, the majority are simply seeking to establish themselves in a child's life that is already filled with, in their opinion, one too many authority figures.

Frequently, the stepmother will make her first mistake before she even weds the father by allowing herself to be introduced to the child too quickly.

Unfortunately, men often believe that the sooner they introduce the potential stepmother to the child, the better the relationship will be; not to mention that many times Dad is just excited about this new person in his life and wants to share his good fortune with his child.

This is not a good idea. Often, for even many years following a divorce, a child will harbor wishes of his/her parents reuniting. The presence of a "new friend" completely crushes those dreams, causing a child to act out. Not wanting to hurt those s/he loves the most (the parents), the child will take the resentment out on the potential stepparent.

The best course of action in this situation is to first allow the relationship to flourish without the presence of the child. Once Dad and the soon-to-be stepmother know that the relationship is moving toward a more permanent arrangement, Dad should begin introducing the potential stepparent through conversation with the child during their times alone. Using such a method allows the child to become somewhat acquainted with Dad's friend and to become comfortable with who this person is before ever meeting them; therefore making an intial meeting much more comfortable for both child and future stepmom.

While a stepparent should be seen as authority figure in their stepchild's life, they should leave the "parenting stuff" to the parents.

For example, when two households combine, creating what is commonly referred to as the blended family, a stepmother frequently feels the need to object the rules she has exercised with her own children (or what she feels should be the rules if she has no children of her own) and the consequences for not adhering ot these rules.

Unfortunately, making the transition from one household to the next can be difficult for a child; and they may accordingly act out. Especially if there has been little disclipe in Mom's or Dad's house previously. If Stepmom is insistent on her rules, even if her intentions mean well, she will, most often, be seen as the "wicked stepmother"; in just a short while.

In this situation, it is best to let Dad handle the introduction of the new rules of the house. And it should also be Dad that manages the consequences of the breaking of rules. In using this method, a child learns that Dad is still in charge of his/her life, not the new gal (so to speak), and that he agrees with the rules of the new household.

In addition, stepmothers are often prone to immediately insert themselves into things such as education and participation in parent-teacher conferences or similar events. Until a well established relationship has been developed between the child and stepparent, doing such is not a good idea. This helps to avoid conflict with Dad's ex-wife (which is the most common result in new relationships) but that conflict can cause mental turmoil for the child; turmoil that will easily allow him/her to villianize the new stepparent. And many of my friends who are teachers have told me that dealing with a room full of exes and their new spouses always makes things uncomfortable. As a result, even teachers, at times, can villianize the stepparents and see them as being there only to spite the exes.

Any issues such as education, health, counseling, etc. should be handle by the parents. While a stepparent is free to provide input to their spouse in private, ultimately the choice should be that of the parents.

As stepmothers, there will be millions of things we greatly dislike about the ex-wife; but we have to keep those opinions to ourselves...especially when it comes to the children.

So often when visiting divorce forums, I see future stepmothers pop in with questions about visitations. Right away, the fiance (not even stepmom yet) wants to rework the visitation schedule, go to Court to help her future husband get more time with his kids, or something similar.

This is a crazy way to start off a relationship! Right away, this fiance is alienating the ex-wife and when that alienation turns into arguments between Mom and Dad, guess who is going to get the blame? That's right, the fiance soon to be stepmom.

If visitation in going well, Mom and Dad seem very accommodating to one another, then butt out. Just because your children are on a different visitation schedule doesn't mean that every one elses has to be rearranged. Or, just because Dad is currently getting only every other weekend and half of holidays but one of your friends gets his kids 50 percent of the time doesn't mean that you fiance needs to broach that subject right now.

It's all about baby steps. Settle in to the relationship with your new spouse, work on making the transition for everyone into the blended family a pleasant, successful one, and exhibit to the stepchild that you only have their best interest at heart.

When the dust has settled (and there will most likely be dust) from dating, meeting the child, arguments with the ex spouse, and learning to live under one roof, then its perfectly acceptable for Dad to broach the subject of more or the rearranging of visitation with Mom. A stepmother (nor a stepfather) does not have any role in this discussion.

Following any attempts to make changes, if a couple agrees that it is absolutely necessary to make changes to the current parenting time schedule, then you can proceed with Court....but don't go there first thing; otherwise, you'll sign, seal and deliver your fate as the evil stepmom.

The man that you love and promised to spend the rest of your life with brought another person(s) that they expect for you to love and cherish also.