I turned on the tv today while I was having a nice turkey sandwich, prepared to enjoy listening to a few nice voices and seeing a couple pretty faces - since that's basically all tv is anymore, am I right?  Okay, so I just watched The TV Set with David Duchovny (rent it!) and it's left me jaded about tv right now, so sue me.  Really, it just confirmed what I've always known: tv is for idiots.  Making it.  Watching it.  Looking at it for too long in the dark.  You get the idea.

Well, then a commercial came on that has never failed to leave me shocked and confused.  Have you heard of this thing that you put in your ear that magnifies your hearing, and they advertise it like you can eavesdrop on people talking all these wonderful things about you? 

The Sonic Ear's the name, tomfoolery's the game. 

At first you see old people using it to listen to their old records and hear kittens purr and puppies play.  Then it switches all of a sudden to a guy with an obnoxious smile, slightly sinister, standing in the corner of some sort of social gathering listening to a pretty girl talk to his boss about how MAHvelous he is! 

I'll tell you what's really going on with the Sonic Ear.  Snotty girls in high school are listening to each other's coversations across the cafeteria and it's like bitch! if you want to hear me talking shit about you so badly, you can come over here and I'll tell you how ugly your purse is to your mofo'in face! 

Okay, so yeah, maybe it has some other legitimately applicable capabilties for like, private investigators or whatever, but honestly, were the people who made the Sonic Ear commercials raised in a barn?  Didn't their mommas teach them some manners?  Who goes to a social function with a Sonic Ear other than Charles Manson? 

Get real, Sonic Ear public relations.  Get real. 

I'm aware the phrase "sex sells" has been around since I was but a sperm and an egg waiting to meet myself, but sometimes things on tv these days are taken a little too far. Don't get me wrong, who doesn't love sex? But is it old-fashioned of me to grow tired of the constant enuendos, references, and even literally explicity content shown in commercials? I mean, a tv show is one thing, you can decide what you're watching and dictate the channels. Commercials are different - they're random, paid for, and, most importantly, they're everywhere.

I might as well start with the obvious: the Axe ad campaign. Entire feminist encyclopedias could be filled with the bullshit they've pulled. In their defense, however, fragrance has always been linked to sex (did you see Perfume!), and Axe isn't doing anything Dior or Chanel haven't done in their racy perfume commercials. At least Dior and Chanel had some class about it! When I was a freshman in college living in the dorms, one day there were folders labeled Axe hung on every young man's door, and inside was a sleep mask, ear plugs, and a Girl Crossing sign (to hang on the door when you're banging some chick so your roommate doesn't walk in).

Maybe I really am old-fashioned, but doesn't that just seem a little bit depraved? You know they're not hanging that type of shit on girls' dorm room doors - instead there are probably pregnancy hotlines and birth control seminar flyers. Boys are encourage to romp and conquer, and girls are being trained to clean up after them. Hmph.

That's just the beginning! The whole sex topic becomes oh-so literal when those countless sex-improving drug commercials pop in. Yum yum. How I love watching tv with my parents when Enzyte's infamous whistled song finally comes to an end, only to be followed by a KY Jelly commercial. At least KY has stay power (and cleanliness factor - use it!), but the worst commercial of those is Extenze.

Apparently, sending mass e-mails about penis-enlarging supplements wasn't doing the trick, so they hired some old dude to stand in a gym and talk about how big his schlong has grown in order to encourage you to "hop on the wagon!" Sorry, old dude, if I wanted a bigger BMOC I'd just change my name to Austin Powers and hit Sweden for a pump. Again, call me old-fashioned.

The worst yet, however, is when sex has nothing to do with what they're advertising, and yet they still use it!  Just today I saw a Cottonelle commercial with the cute little dog romping through a testing facility for the softness of the toilet paper.  And what does he hoot and howl about but a diagram of a woman's tight little ass!  A puppy!  And not just any puppy, the Cottonelle puppy!  What is the world coming to! 

I'm glad to report that in my laymen's observation of tv commercials, not all hope is lost. Yes, morality and decency have definitely taken the backseat in today's culture, but what else is new? The sexual revolution was 50 years ago! But at least some advertisers are taking a step in the right direction. Not everything has to be sold using sexual imagery, in fact, being creative and having a sense of humor, I would argue, sell even better.

Below I've posted two such examples.  These commercials use no sex, aren't encouraging you to stalk people, and are actually quite entertaining.  They speak for themselves.