Tending Your RelationshipGarden

"True love is not measured in hugs and kisses, but in struggles and fears, and those who can work though those...they possess true love". Adam Murphy

An intimate relationship is like a garden; it needs daily care, attention, love and nourishment. Some days the weather is beautiful and conditions for growth are ideal. Other days the weather can be detrimental to the garden (picture a tornado roaring through the garden) destroys everything in its path.

Our relationships is like that garden; there are days when the weather is sunny, warm and inviting and other times it’s full of thunder, lightening and torrential rain. The life of a relationship is not dependent on what type of difficulties couples face but rather on the approach they take to confront these difficulties.

The Power of Romantic Love!

When couples first meet, the attraction can be so powerful and intoxicating that they aren’t even aware of each others differences. During this stage couples are looking at the positives in their partner and the negatives (if glimpsed) are dismissed as unimportant or insignificant. During this stage couples are open, vulnerable and supportive towards each other. They see their differences as enhancing each others lives. In the romantic stage partners will make statements such as:

• I feel like I found my other half!
• It’s as if I’ve known you all my life!
• Or as Jerry Maguire said to his wife “you complete me!”

During this phase we are planting a seed in the relationship garden; a seed that holds great potential. Couples usually make a commit to develop a life together based on the intense, passionate feelings they experienced with each other during this early stage; however as the rosy glow of romantic love fades and reality sets in, the relationship enters its toughest period.

The Disillusionment Phase

Couples enter relationships with high, often unrealistic expectations. When their hopes, wishes and dreams are not met they start to feel disappointed in each other. This is when the baggage they each brought into the relationship starts to show up. Each partner brings a bag full of defenses, past childhood hurts and unmet needs into the relationship. As these items creep out of the bag and move into the relationship space, the weather in this wonderful, sunny garden starts to turn unpredictable, stormy and disastrous. Soon tiny weeds begin to sprout and if partners aren’t careful they spread like wildfire filling the relationship with negativity which eventually destroys the couples connection.

Pulling the Weeds; Protecting the Sacred Garden of Your Relationship

In order for relationships to thrive couples must be aware of what they are placing in the relational space. Just as a gardener will look for and pull weeds out of a garden to maximize growth; it is important to become aware of the behaviors and actions that can pollute the space of our relationship.

Behaviors and Actions that Can Damage Your Relationship:

• Criticism, blaming, shaming, put downs, contempt
• Stonewalling; cold silence, ignoring partner, neglect
• Raging, temper tantrums, manipulation
• Resentment, secrets, lies, holding grudges
• Abuse, bullying, intimidation

If partners become defensive and use these tactics during conflict, it will just create more distance, hurt and resentment. If partners end up fighting against each other, they get stuck in a power struggle and the relationship loses. If this continues the couple starts drifting apart; eventually they find themselves sitting at opposite ends of the couch wondering "how could something so wonderful turn into such a nightmare!"

Being Intentional – Making Healthy Choices About What You Plant in Your Relationship Garden

Developing a healthy relationship takes a willingness to be aware and take responsibility for the contribution you each bring to the relationship. When conflict arises couples need to realize that the conflict is actually an opportunity for growth and healing to occur. However the growth can’t happen if partners are reactive and unwilling to hear, understand and have compassion towards each other. In order for true intimacy and growth to happen partners need to be vulnerable, open, and honest. So how do we do this when we are feeling attacked, blamed or hurt?

Steps Towards Connection

• Become aware of the physical, emotional and mental cues that signal you are feeling wounded and are preparing to lash out or run away.
• PICTURE A STOP SIGN
• Take some slow, deep breaths; take as many breaths as you need to in order to soothe yourself.
• If you are still reactive call a time out.
• Become aware of the story you are telling yourself (about your partner or the situation) and how that may be escalating your anxiety, anger, or hurt.
• Before buying “your story” give your partner the benefit of the doubt and ask them to tell you what was going on for them when this happened.
• During the time out look at your own actions (How did I contribute to the conflict? What is my wound that is being touched by my partner?)
• Come back, invite your partner to visit your world only bringing their heart, eyes and ears.
• Share what you have discovered about yourself, your triggers, your reactions with your partner.
• Share how you would like to be different, what needs healing, what in you needs to grow.
• Thank your partner for listening as this is truly a gift.
• Acknowledge and appreciate each others effort.

Taking these steps will help you learn to:

• Become a safe, healing and loving presence for each other
• Learn to connect through empathy and compassion instead of contempt and anger
• Take responsibility for your own feelings Understand how you each contribute to the conflict
• Approach conflict in a different way so that you will learn more about each other and develop deeper intimacy, passion and joy.

For more information please feel free to contact me at acaringcounselor@yahoo.com or call me at 954-793-6442.